John Wick Chapter 3: Parabellum

Instead of Parabellum the subtitle to John Wick: Chapter 3 should be We May Have Taken This Shit a Little Too Far.  The action scenes are too long, the violence is too gruesome, the universe is too disproportionate and Wick is too indestructible.

To start with some positives the filmmakers put together some badass innovative fight sequences.  The one with Wick battling a group of guys in a room filled with dozens of knives on display and they all break the glass to get at the daggers to throw at each other is inspired.  It’s gotta be my favorite scene in the film.  The library fight right before it and the horse vs motorcycle chase (reminiscent of True Lies) after it are both very well done too.

And having the finale take place in a multi level complex where the walls, floors, ceilings and stairs are all made of clear glass is a stroke of genius.  I don’t think I’ve ever seen that before.  It’s like the filmmakers thought “what’s the opposite of that maze of mirrors gag we did at the end of Chapter 2?  I got it!  A room where everything’s see through!”  What makes this gimmick work so well is that while you’d think it would be better for your surroundings to be totally clear it turns out to be just as disorienting as trying to tell a real person apart from a reflection.  You never know if someone is standing right in front of you or if there’s a glass wall there.  Boundaries are difficult to determine hindering your sight and movements.  Plus it’s a perfect setup for a lot of folks to get kicked and thrown through all the glass.

However, this end fight along with almost every other fight in the movie are twice as long as they need to be.  I hate to say this but during several scenes I started to get bored.  And that’s a shame because these guys put a ton of effort into all the stunts and choreography.  They got overzealous though by including it all and not making strategic trims.

Within the action the blood and harshness of the violence is amped up from the last installment.  Like you see a knife slowly penetrate a guy’s eye, there’s a shotgun blast to the head (albeit with a full helmet covering the entire head but it’s still rough to witness), people getting stabbed through the top of the head and someone basically gets curb stomped with a book.  Not to mention a shitload of CGI blood splatter and innumerous crotch shots (especially with dogs going for that region).  I don’t know if they really had to get this nasty.  The body count alone is stratospheric so to make a lot of the deaths extra grisly is, well, let’s say unpleasant.

Moving on, I can appreciate the effort to continue to expand the John Wick universe (that part in the first film seems quaint now) but it became so large in this one that I eventually giving up on trying to make sense of it.  Having villains and organizations ever so higher up the command chain is fine but I think overall there are too many people that are part of this assassin realm.  Every single person Wick runs into is involved, even a goddamn cab driver.  I thought this was supposed to be a shadowy underworld that had all these rules not only to maintain order amongst themselves but also to prevent the sugar coated topping normal world from discovering them.  But here they’re killing people in the open in packed Grand Central Station and the New York Public Library for crying out loud.  Either no one cares, no can see this or every individual is an assassin.  With this kinda shit it sorta feels like discreetness it out the fucking window and that in turn makes all the secret handshaking look really silly.

Shit, how's John boy gonna get out of this one?

Lastly, the beating Wick endures here is ridiculous.  Of course there’s a suspension of disbelief with any action hero’s health and pain threshold but they made Wick downright superhuman.  I won’t go into details for spoiler reasons but the filmmakers made this guy durable to the point where I stopped worrying about him.  This also deflated some tension in the fight sequences and part of the reason why my mind would wander a touch after a while.

I know I pointed out a lot of negatives but Chapter 3 really is a decent film and generally speaking the type we need more of.  I mean Keanu is at the top of his fucking game and he still moves great and with this movie he’s done nothing but backup his rep as one of the best action stars of all time.  And it’s excellent that Chad Stahelski and co are making these financially successful and well received modern action pictures that showcase amazing stunt work and let us hang out with cool as shit characters.  I hope he and his team continue to do so.

This piece probably ranks third in the series though with Chapter 2 in the lead (that car chase and hand to hand fight opener has yet to be outdone).  They may have pushed it too far with Chapter 3 in some areas for my tastes.  Maybe scale it back for Chapter 4?  You don’t have to answer right now.  Think it over.

The Net

Computer expert Angela Bennett (Sandra Bullock (Speed)) stumbles upon a piece of software that appears innocent on the surface but is really a backdoor that can be used to access high level government websites and databases like medical records, police records and the FBI.  The bad guys don’t want anyone to know about this so they do the sensible thing and rub out Angela.  Well, they try anyway.  And when that fails they steal her identity which puts her on the run and makes her look like a crazy conspiracy theorist to whoever she encounters.  The only way to get her life back is to fight these cyber terrorists.  Oh and by stopping them she’ll make the world safe again as a bonus.

The initial botched op to kill Angela is partly due to the villain’s incompetence but even more so with Angela’s amazing luck.  And this continues to be the case throughout the picture.  When it appears the bad guys are closing in they always fuck it up and/or Angela gets exactly what she needs to escape the situation.  For example Angela is riding in a car with an FBI agent and she’s getting him up to speed on what’s been happening.  During the conversation the agent slips up unintentionally revealing he’s a baddie.  Angela picks up on this right away, grabs the wheel causing the car to crash into another bad guy’s car purely by accident and then runs from the wreck uninjured.  She jumps over a draw bridge conveniently separating so neither bad guy in their banged up car can pursue her.  She gets away completely unscathed.  I know it sucks that this lady had her life taken away but at the same time shit like this constantly rolls her way.

As improbable as a lot of the stuff in the movie tends to be the hardest to swallow is probably the specific set of circumstances that needs to occur for the story to play out.  So first of all the bad guy must attain a certain 3.5 inch floppy disk that’s in Angela’s possession because it has the powerful software on it.  But once the dude retrieves it (after pretending to fight off a hired mugger) he doesn’t kill Angela on the spot.  Instead this scumbag decides to ride the wave of phony heroism and has sex with her first, seriously.

But even putting this incident aside the identity theft (remember this is really plan B because plan A went sideways due to a boner calling) is successful because not a single person knows who the fuck Angela Bennett is.  She has no friends, her only relative is a mother with Alzheimer’s, her neighbors have only seen brief glimpses, her giant computer corporation employer has never met her (she works out of her house) and I guess she’s never been to a doctor, the post office, grocery store or anywhere ever.  The only person who can vouch for her is her ex-psychiatrist/boyfriend (Dennis Miller (Murder at 1600)) but he gets offed.  And no one gets suspicious when an imposter Angela Bennett starts showing up for work in person at her company’s office building when in at least six years she’s never stepped foot in there once.

There’s also this blind faith that everyone has towards computers in this film.  They don’t think beyond what the screen tells them which helps the villains get away with more than they probably should.  The broad message the filmmakers are laying out is that our entire existence is so wrapped up in computer data, networks and everything being interconnected that if one thing goes wrong or if someone decides to mess with our info then we’re all fucked.  It’s a cautionary tale proclaiming that what happens to Angela could happen to any one of us.

While the movie’s example is extreme to say the least it’s not total bullshit either.  Identity theft certainly happens every day and people’s info located in many databases and systems does get screwed up all the time with something as simple as a typo.  The part that’s more unbelievable is everyone taking the info presented at face value.  Most folks know when shit doesn’t look right.  A little research is done, a phone call is made or an online chat is executed or an override is performed and the issue is corrected.  And just about every single person has someone to vouch for them even if it’s just the mailman or a relative you don’t see very often.

Now, I’m sure you’re all eager for me to point out how poorly the computer technology is represented here but after this last viewing I honestly don’t know how off it is.  The movie was actually ahead of its time on ordering food and booking an airline online and with how prevalent online record keeping would become.  And pretty much everything that’s accomplished with computers in this is because government institutions are buying what they think is legit software but really it grants the bad guys access to their system.  So by abusing this power the villains aren’t hacking exactly and that’s an interesting workaround to make the computer shit seem more plausible.

The technology showcased however is dated as hell.  This is where we as a society almost twenty five years later can sit back and laugh.  I already mentioned 3.5 inch floppy disks, but there are also giant CRT computer monitors, chat rooms, car phones and etc.  It’s all funny to see now.  But this shit became dated in only a few short years after the film’s release.  The title itself, referring to an early nickname for the internet, didn’t last long in our vocabulary either.

Before I wrap up I wanna point out how the movie plays both into and attempts to subvert computer nerd stereotypes of the time.  On one hand Angela is socially awkward, hasn’t had many intimate relationships, is a hermit who locks herself in her house and in her free time doles out her fantasy of the perfect man to strangers in a chat room.  On the other hand it seems the filmmakers didn’t want Sandra Bullock to physically look like the epitome of a nerd.  She doesn’t wear thick glasses or frumpy or grungy clothing or have a wacky hair color or anything like that.  In fact they sex her up by having her lounge on a beach in a bikini, wear only a towel while watching the news after a shower and giving her several outfits that show off her midriff.  It feels exploitative and kinda gross the way the filmmakers approached that.

So anyway, how does this shit measure up?  Well surprisingly some of the ideas in here are still relevant like identity theft and assault from viruses and hackers with malicious intent.  That’s a real ongoing problem that can have serious consequences.  I think it’s much more difficult to wipe someone completely off the digital map than the movie makes it out to be though.  There are too many backups, redundancies and good old paperwork for that to occur overnight.

The thriller aspect of the picture is the dumber part actually and has a very trashy dime store novel feel.  Angela outwits and out-lucks the bad guys over and over to a comical point.  She should’ve been dead within the first fifteen minutes.

At the time it was a hit doing well at the box office.  And there was enough interest in the concept that a TV show (1998) and a DTV sequel, The Net 2.0 (2006), got made.  Although the sequel apparently dumps the Angela Bennett character for someone new.

I still enjoy watching this one but that’s out of nostalgia more than anything else.  It does stay focused on the main plot with almost no sidetracking so that’s nice.  I don’t know if I can really recommend it in good faith though.  These techno thrillers have a short shelf life which makes them harder to appreciate as time goes on and this is no exception.

Creed II

I’ll make this short and sweet, Creed II is a sequel’s sequel and I don’t mean that in a good way.  It doesn’t build off the last installment, further explore the characters we’ve come to know and love, go in a new direction or repeat what we’ve already seen but do it even better this time around.  Creed I was a fine solid movie and it was great to spend time with good ol’ Rocky again.  It didn’t break any ground though and wasn’t particularly memorable if I’m being honest.  But it was fun while it lasted.  Creed II on the other hand is a bland rehash of the Rocky formula.

The script is the main issue.  It’s so goddamn predictable and uninteresting.  I know all the Rockys/Creeds are basically the same but this time felt the most contrived.  All the usual beats are hit like Adonis Creed (Michael B. Jordan (Fruitvale Station)) learning to not rest on his laurels and get the hunger back, weighing family obligations with a desire to box in a potentially deadly match, dealing with the pros and cons of notoriety, balancing friendships, partnerships, relationships with the constant need to fight other dudes and etc.  It all feels tired and too robotic here.  Plus the countless nods to parts III and IV are distracting (I laughed out loud when they announced the final bout would have to take place in Russia, you know, just like in Rocky IV!).

I’m pretty sure I saw several places pitch the idea that a film about Ivan Drago’s son, Viktor (Florian Munteanu (real life boxing shit)), would’ve been way more fascinating.  There’s a lot more there to dig into and you could approach this tried and true story with a fresh perspective and introduce all new characters and locations and maybe sports is totally corrupt in Russia with boxers taking performance enhancing drugs but Viktor doesn’t do that and has to battle these behemoths clean and some of the refs are paid off and it could be really fuckin’ cool.  

Hell, even an Ivan picture would’ve been better.  It could be like Rocky Balboa but with Drago making a comeback.  And if they did that in 2018 Dolph Lundgren would’ve been only a year older than when Stallone did Rocky Balboa so the timing would’ve been perfect.

Ah well.  Aside from part V this has got to be the weakest in the series.