Lone Wolf McQuade

Do you guys remember that whole Chuck Norris phenomenon that happened a bunch of years back?  People thought he was the toughest motherfucker who ever lived and he was a big thing on the webbernet and in pop culture.  It was ironic to like him because he was a B action star from the 80’s (mostly).  Is that over now?  I think it is.  Anyway, I hated that shit and not just because it was extremely overdone.  It goes deeper than that.  I know this is gonna sound really snobby but that Chuck Norris thing showed the level of ignorance most folks have about action movies and the actors that star in them. 

I’ve only seen eight of Norris’ films but I think it’s enough to make the call that generally he doesn’t make good ones.  They’re not so bad they’re good either.  They’re just bad most of the time.  He’s not someone who deserved better.  He didn’t make a groundbreaking action picture or was better than the movies he starred in.  The man has virtually no charisma.  So to bring Norris back and shower him with praises of unparalleled toughness and awesomeness is unfounded. 

But I guess that’s what’s at the heart of the joke, right?  That it’s cool to like someone or something that’s actually kind of uncool?  Seems kinda fucked up to me.  You see, the worst part of this craze isn’t Chuck himself because he’s an innocent bystander in this mess.  I think someone like Dolph Lundgren could’ve just as easily been plucked out of relative obscurity and have his onscreen personas blown out of proportion too.  Nah, what bothers me is the attitude towards action as a whole.  Whenever someone tells you they love Chuck Norris because he can put his fist clean through your head while drinking a beer and grooming his beard or some wacky shit like that there’s an unspoken part that’s implied.  Underneath the comment they’re saying “Actually, Chuck Norris is kinda stupid and action movies are silly, aren’t they?”  It’s a slight to the action genre and not a genuine praise. 

Now of course I know not everyone feels this way.  Some people really do dig Chuck Norris and that’s fine.  But there are a lot of way better action stars and films out there.  Check out any Seagal film pre-1996 or The Running Man and hopefully you’ll see what I’m talking about.

And I know I rambled on for a while but this leads me to Lone Wolf McQuade.  This is a dumb fuckin’ movie.  And even though it’s not what most people think of when they think action film it has all the clichés and bad shit that make folks think it’s ironic to like action as opposed to being a sincere fan.

No one is good in this.  Norris is as wooden and uninteresting as ever and David Carradine (Death Race 2000, Kill Bills) isn’t threatening at all.  He looks and sounds like just some fuckin’ average guy that grins and squints a lot.  The fact that he dresses in slacks and argyle sweaters doesn’t help either.

Carradine's wardrobe isn't really workin' here

Most of what happens is confusing and a bunch of it doesn’t get explained at all.  Like the Falcon character (Daniel Frishman (Return of the Jedi, Night Court)) seems to only exist so that he can tell McQuade where the bad guy is located at the end.  Or there’s the love interest that’s maybe playing both sides but not really, she says she was forced…I couldn’t figure it out.  I don’t get Carradine’s character at all.  Who is he?  Why is he smuggling guns?  Why did he need the compliance of the love interest in order to carry out his scheme?

Some of the usual clichés include McQuade being a loner cop, he gets teamed up with an inexperienced cop, has an old cop friend that’s jolly and seems to love life, he gets in trouble with his superiors, he heals almost overnight, gets trapped inside a vehicle with seemingly no way out, he and the bad guy throw down their guns so they can fight hand to hand, etc.  The only cliché they didn’t go for is McQuade feuding with his ex-wife.  Instead they get along really well.

Some bad stuff includes McQuade rolling around and doing a quick draw during target practice, at the end McQuade has to decide between a hostage situation in progress or his family and chooses the hostage crisis, and the henchmen are really bad shots.  Usually the bad guys hit the things that the good guys are hiding behind or the surrounding area.  There were a couple of times in this picture when someone is out in the open and there are shots fired that clearly should’ve been hits but nothing happens.  This is like stormtrooper accuracy. 

However, I can’t deny it’s sort of an entertaining movie.  Things move along at a decent pace and there are a bunch of ok action sequences.  But the groaning moments are plentiful.  Sometimes in action pictures there are just too many clichés and it becomes overwhelming.  It doesn’t help when the filmmakers don’t try to do anything clever at all.  And that might be the real reason why this isn’t that great.  It’s very by the numbers and that makes things pretty dull.  It’s the kind of movie that doesn’t think and doesn’t want you to think either.  That’s insulting.  The thing was made competently but it feels like they didn’t try that hard.  I said it earlier and I’ll say it again: this is a dumb fuckin’ movie.      

I think this is Norris’ most popular feature and I can see why.  It’s easier to watch than a lot of his others but more notably it feeds into that fad that may or may not be still around.  If you haven’t seen a Norris flick before then this is going to support all of your preconceived notions about him and his repertoire.  If you think the action genre is mindless and made up of nothing but platitudes Lone Wolf McQuade will unfortunately cement that in your mind. 

This doesn’t mean that I despise Norris’ films or look down on them, not at all.  I just think they’re subpar action movies.  There’s nothing wrong with that.  The thing is I know what I’m getting with him but a lot of people don’t.  My advice would be to check out the A list stars first.  Chuck Norris is the totally wrong thing to kick off your lifelong journey into action.  He comes later when you’ve run out of better material.

For the Chuck fans out there you guys obviously get more out of his shit than I do.  All I’m sayin’ is, have you seen Hard Boiled?

A little addendum: for me this ranks third in the Norris ones I’ve seen so far.  Missing in Action is a little less dumb and more fun and Invasion U.S.A. is so dumb that it’s very fun to watch.