Monday, February 18, 2013

Batman & Robin


Well it looks like forever really only lasted for one more movie.  Hell, Val Kilmer as Batman was temporary which I’m pretty sure is the opposite of forever.  Anyway, this is the big dump that everyone loves to pile on to.  You often hear things like “worst film ever made” and “unwatchable” associated with this flick.  But not here.  If you want to read how this thing is worse than the holocaust then you’ll have to look elsewhere.  I really like this fuckin’ movie.

It’s such a whore though.  We all know about the Bat credit card blah blah shameless blah.  Fine internet, I got it.  Who Schumacher states as being major factors in the development of the script and the production design are the toy companies.  The film needed to be as “toyetic” as possible.  In other words they demanded that there be a lot of shit in here that they could turn into toys and sell to children (and adults).  That’s partly why there are unnecessary characters like Bane and Batgirl.  And also why there are a bunch of costume changes and a heavy emphasis on vehicular action.  I wonder how much the toy companies influence today’s comic book movies.

But that’s just one component in this perfect storm. 

The script, especially the dialogue, is trite and hacky.  However, it does feel like one person wrote it.  The tone and badness is consistent and spread throughout.

The cinematography and production design are totally wacked out.  There are tons of crazy angles, the lighting is even brighter and more neon-y than Forever, a lot of the sets and props look cheap and like they’re made of plastic, the vehicles and costumes are even tackier than in Forever, and unfortunately there’s a heavier usage of CGI this time.  The whole picture is like a surreal live action cartoon and I’m on board.  They pushed the look of Forever pretty much to the breaking point.  Everything is so exaggerated and made so flamboyant that you wouldn’t believe this shit could exist in the real world.  And this is part of the reason why I really dig this movie.  Just like how Forever is a visually beautiful film B&R is maybe even prettier.  The images are so vivid and flashy that they sear into your brain.

Now while the previous couple of items I listed are vital for any production perhaps the most important choice is who you stick in front of the camera.  Because man oh man, every actor was miscast in this.  First off Schwarzenegger can definitely play a bad guy.  He was excellent in The Terminator.  He not being a good guy isn’t the issue.  The things wrong with Arnold are his size and his approach to the role.  Schwarzenegger is a bulky guy by himself but to put that gigantic awkward suit on him is just too much.  He looks like he’s having a real hard time moving around in that thing.  It’s the most un-sleek superhero outfit I’ve ever seen.  Arnie looks like a body builder or a robot and not a scientist turned criminal.  And I don’t know if Schwarzenegger was the one that pushed for all the puns (it certainly is his kind of cheesy humor) or if it really was in the script.  This movie competes with Tango & Cash in the pun department.  Jesus are there a lot of them.  Schwarzenegger plays it too self-aware.  There’s so much “I’m the bad guy maw haw haw” shit that you forget this character is supposed to be a person who went through a life changing experience.  Schwarzenegger’s portrayal was grown in a lab and possesses few human qualities.  It’s different from Tommy Lee Jones’ Two-Face who focused on his villainous duties and didn’t wink at the audience.  Schwarzenegger comes off like he’s never acted before and he tries to emulate Nicholson’s Joker and Carrey’s Riddler too much with all the fuckin’ corny comedy.  The main problem is he basically plays himself.  Schwarzenegger didn’t try and it shows.

A lot of the same shit could be said of Uma Thurman too, very cartoony, very self-aware, it’s like she’s never been in a movie before.  She may give a worse performance than Schwarzenegger though.

You already know I think Robin stinks and Chris O’Donnell isn’t a great actor so let’s skip to Alicia Silverstone.  I’m not sure if she can really act or not because she’s terrible in this (surprise, surprise) but she was very good in Clueless.  I haven’t seen The Crush or The Babysitter yet so that one’s still up in the air.  Anyway, Batgirl is a superfluous character and perhaps the only real element in the movie that’s bad and stays bad.  She doesn’t make the full journey from bad to good.

Finally there’s Clooney.  I don’t think this was automatically a mistake.  Back in the mid 90’s, just thinking about all the possibles, he could’ve conceivably been a good Batman.  He’s kinda stiff, withdrawn, moody, mature and has a dominant stare.  It was totally worth looking into.  Now, I don’t know if they made him audition for the part but they should’ve because it would’ve been evident pretty quick that he doesn’t work.  They probably didn’t.  Clooney got it because was huge on ER at the time.  Maybe he was good on that show (never saw it) but every line that comes out of his mouth falls flat to the floor, and his would-be stoic presence comes off as someone who looks either kinda irritated or completely indifferent to the events happening around him.  I’ve come to realize that George Clooney is not a good actor.  He can only play one character: a smug, smooth, wise-ass dude.  It hit me about a year ago when I finally saw The Thin Red Line.  Clooney is only in it for like two minutes but he was so out of place that it struck me hard.  The only time I’ve seen him pull off a performance that wasn’t the usual guy he does was in From Dusk Till Dawn.  Ok, it was more like an exaggerated version but it was different enough.  This apparently isn’t what got him the role of Batman though.  Schumacher said that on a hunch he drew the Batman cowl on Clooney in a From Dusk Till Dawn ad in the newspaper but he doesn’t mention seeing the movie.  The point is Clooney was wrong for the part.

But as I said before, everything is wrong.  Nothing really works.  Freeze is such an uncool and unthreatening villain.  Like he’s a fuckin’ dork that’s annoying and makes lame ass jokes all the time.  Who the fuck would be scared of him or want to work for him?  Poison Ivy for all her talk of bringing shit back to the way Mother Nature intended acts so unnaturally.  Why would she wear synthetic tights, tons of makeup and partner up with someone like Bane whose existence is based on man-made chemicals?  Why does Poison Ivy need Freeze anyway?  Is she such a weak bad guy that she can’t handle an evil scheme all by herself?  She should’ve left his ass in jail.  Why are Batman and Robin in the public eye so much?  Wouldn’t it be beneficial to hang back so it’s harder for folks to figure out who these two are?  Working with the police is one thing but to be the centerpiece of a charity event makes no sense.  And I could go on with a million more questions.  Just about every aspect of this film is fucking baffling.  Like when Freeze turns Robin into an ice cube towards the beginning he could’ve zapped Batman too who was standing right there but doesn’t for absolutely no reason.

Schumacher gets all the blame for this and I guess in the end it does fall at his feet.  He’s the captain of the ship.  But instead of attempting to hang this albatross around other people’s necks he wants the public to aim their anger at him and away from everyone else who worked on this.  He’s acknowledged that no one forced him to make the movie and that it was all of his own accord.  Joel’s a standup guy that’s willing to take the hit for the entire cast and crew.  The vibe I get from him is that this wasn’t really the film he wanted to make but went along with it because of pressure from the studio and others who had influence.  He also must’ve been presented with the biggest paycheck he’d ever seen and he couldn’t pass it up.  But Schumacher wasn’t a mere hired hand.  He chose the cast, the crew and the villains were suggested to him by his godson who was like ten at the time.  This was still Schumacher’s show.  He just went a little crazy.

If you still think Schumacher is evil then maybe this will help.  First of all Schumacher said that he wouldn’t take over the Batman series without Tim Burton’s consent.  So to an extent (albeit a small one) Burton signed off on this.  Don’t forget, he produced Forever guys.  Second, Schumacher’s very honest and humble about his directing ability.  He’s admitted that (and I quote) “I’m not a great director”.  He’s said he likes some of his movies and doesn’t like others.  The man knows when he fucked up.  His advice that he tells people (that was handed down to him from Woody Allen) is “if I can do this, you can do this and you can do it better”.  A lot of people dismiss Schumacher but he’s a smart guy and he really loves making movies.  His heart is in the right place and I think he really is a great director (watch Falling Down).  It’s a little rash to toss him aside based on this one film.      

It’s interesting that the Burton sequel and the latter Schumacher sequel are the extremes of these four Batmans.  You have the darkest with Returns and the lightest with B&R.  It’s like a second Batman picture screws you up and makes you do strange things.  I’d say that’s even true for The Dark Knight.  I’m not a Christopher Nolan fan but The Dark Knight was fantastic.  I think he made a movie that even non Nolan fans enjoyed.  Speaking of the Nolan Batman trilogy The Dark Knight Rises is kind of like the B&R of that series.  It’s puzzlingly atrocious.  You know, in the grand scheme of things B&R is not the worst Batman film between its four and the new trilogy.  I think The Dark Knight Rises is (with Batman Begins finishing next to last).  At the very least B&R is nice to look at and stuff happens fairly frequently.  Rises is long, boring, has a pretty dull production design, ok cinematography and raises just as many questions about plot and character as B&R does.  (If you haven’t been doing so already I’m sure you’re yelling at the screen by now.  Well if you have something to say please leave a comment.  I look forward to reading them.)   

I can see why the public liked Forever but rejected B&R.  It does ask a lot of the audience.  But in my opinion Returns to Forever is a bigger leap.  It’s a totally different equation.  From Forever to B&R is an exponential increase but we’re still using the same set of numbers.  Sure, it’s a stupid movie but holy shit is it entertaining.  There’s always something weird to look at or some facet of production so inexplicably bad that makes this an amazing watch.  It’s awe-inspiring how awful yet fun this thing is.  It’s another anywhere anytime film for me.  I really do love this picture.

Fun facts: U.S. Senator Patrick Leahy (D-VT) is a huge Batman fan and made an appearance in this as well as The Dark Knight and The Dark Knight Rises.


Gossip Gerty, the reporter woman that talks in an annoying way with the 60’s glasses, is Elizabeth Sanders Kane, Bob Kane’s (the creator of Batman) wife.  She appears in Returns and Forever too.

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