We still have a little while to go but what the hell, Merry
Christmas! May all ye blessed and joyful
blah blah blah. Alright enough of that.
I thought it would be fun to check out the only full length
picture Arnold Schwarzenegger ever directed, a TV movie remake of Christmas in Connecticut done in 1992. But to better understand where Arnie’s coming
from I figured I ought to see the original first. So here a goes.
The plot for the 1945 one is a goddamn disaster. I tried over and over to explain it in
writing but I just couldn’t do it. I
started to confuse even myself. I then
tried to draw a diagram but that didn’t work out either. So I’ll make it overly simplistic for you
guys. Elizabeth Lane (Barbara Stanwyck (Double Indemnity)) is a food writer that
pretends to know how to cook and lies about having a family and a farm in
Connecticut. The trick is she must manifest
this deception in real life in order to save the job of her editor. I left out so much shit but that’s the main
idea.
And it’s a pretty bad movie.
There are so many plot holes and just weird behavior. I mean it’s like I just said, Elizabeth and
company pretend to have the farm, the family and all that stuff to help rescue
some poor bastard’s job. The guy’s only
in the movie for maybe five minutes too so you don’t build a strong connection
with him. But I’ll tell ya, he’s got
some damn good friends that are willing to stick their necks out for him. What’s bizarrely missing from the plot is
that Elizabeth’s job isn’t on the line. Remember,
she’s the main character here. She’s just
willing to take the hit. Almost immediately
when she’s put in this tough spot she’s ready to give it all up and marry some
dude that she doesn’t love. What the
fuck?
Then there’s the Alexander Yardley character (Sydney
Greenstreet (Casablanca)). He’s the owner of the magazine that runs Elizabeth’s
articles and he’s such a fucking asshole.
He doesn’t know she’s a fake and invites himself over to spend Christmas
with her made up family in Connecticut.
That’s kinda rude right there, but later Yardley tells Elizabeth’s bogus
husband that if they have a baby it will boost circulation. How horrible is that? This guy wants these two to have a kid so he
can make some more money. And not only
that but Yardley insists that Elizabeth cook Christmas dinner even though
Elizabeth came up with the, actually pretty good, excuse that it’s fucking
Christmas and she wants a day off. I
mean the whole idea is that she can’t cook in the first place but who the fuck
would tell their host “no, you’re gonna cook my meals because I want it that
way”. This guy is terrible.
Also I think the fake husband character, Sloan (who is also
the person Elizabeth agrees to marry for real), is made out to be a bad guy but
I don’t really see it. He doesn’t treat
her that badly. Like he doesn’t beat her
or fuckin’ yell at her all the time or some shit. Sloan’s a bit stiff and a penny pincher but a
bad person? I don’t think so.
Although it’s really strange that Sloan feels the need to
marry Elizabeth as soon as humanly possible.
He and Elizabeth sneak around trying to get it done during the whole
deception in Connecticut scheme. Why? What’s the fucking rush? Just do it the day after Christmas or
something when the guests you’re trying to scam have left and you don’t have to
worry about them.
This was a very frustrating movie to watch. As of this writing it has a 7.2 on IMDB. I don’t get it. It’s not that fun or entertaining. The whole thing is so convoluted and
contrived. The filmmakers tried so
fucking hard to create a wacky situation but there’s no reason for any of
it. Elizabeth’s articles are incredibly
popular so I don’t think Yardley is gonna have a problem with it all being made
up. In fact at the end of the picture when
the sham is revealed he totally doesn’t give a fuck. He’s even willing to double her salary.
There’s also this war hero character, Jones (doubling as the
true love interest), that Elizabeth also needs to fool for some very forced
reason. But just like Yardley he doesn’t
seem to care when the truth is exposed. Jones
is actually happy because it means Elizabeth isn’t really married and he can
shack up with her.
So in the end it turned out all of this shit had no consequences. Fuck this movie.
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