Christmas in Connecticut (1992)

Alright, let’s talk about the remake now.  They actually changed up the story quite a bit.  The Elizabeth character (Dyan Cannon (Deathtrap, Heaven Can Wait)) is updated to a celebrity TV chef.  And of course she also has to pretend to have a family and farm in Connecticut in order to deceive some people.  In reality she can’t cook, she’s a city girl, single, etc.  For this one they combined the fake husband and editor characters into one person, Alex (Tony Curtis (The Great Race, Some Like It Hot)).  He’s the producer of the cooking show that Elizabeth is on.  The owner of the network, who doesn’t know Elizabeth can’t cook, really only comes in at the end and he’s played by Richard “Shaft” Roundtree.  Interesting choice.  Lastly, the war hero character this time is some mountain man type guy, Jones (Kris Kristofferson (Blade, Fire Down Below)), that goes to rescue a boy in a snowstorm but gets caught in it himself.  They get stranded for like a week or something and when they’re finally found Jones is the country’s biggest sensation.  There are also a couple of other new insignificant characters thrown in for good measure.

I think they made the plot a little less confusing for the remake but it’s still a goddamn mess.  And they actually made the whole deception thing have even less consequences than in the original.  For instance, for 90% of the movie Jones is the only one that thinks Elizabeth is a real cook and has a family ‘n shit.  I kept forgetting that he didn’t know too because practically everyone is in on the joke this time.  It’s only at the end when we find out that the head of the network doesn’t know either.  Oh, and I guess the rest of the world is in the dark too.

But seriously folks, the film sets up that Jones doesn’t even know who the fuck Elizabeth is.  He’s only going to meet her and make a guest appearance on her show because he’s getting paid.  When Jones went out to rescue the boy his cabin burned down.  He needs the money to rebuild it.  He couldn’t give a shit if Elizabeth is a real cook or not.  This plot is overly complicated and weak to begin with but if the one character that’s supposed to care doesn’t care then you’ve got a real problem on your hands.  At least in the original the war hero is a fan of Elizabeth’s and has read all of her articles.  

And is it really that shocking that a TV chef gets help from folks behind the scenes to make their shit look good and tasty?  I mean, you can’t cook a whole turkey in a half hour.  Just use common sense.  I’m not saying all celebrity chefs don’t know how to cook.  In fact if that kinda complete fake bullshit was going on I think it’s over by now and the people you see on TV are the real deal.  However, what I’m trying to say is that it’s not all them preparing the food.  For TV purposes they’re more the presenters and explainers.  I think these TV chefs can actually cook in real life though.  Again, I don’t think anyone’s an outright fraud like Elizabeth. 

So just like the original the entire plot to deceive didn’t need to happen at all.  Jones doesn’t give a shit when everything’s revealed and the head of the network should definitely know better about TV cooking shows (and also just like the original in the end he doesn’t care that Elizabeth can’t cook and offers to double her salary). 

The bottom line is: why go through all of this trouble to convince one stranger you’re the real deal?  Just tell him you really can’t cook, that you make it up for TV and then shoot the fucking show.  I think the man can handle it.  He was trapped outside in a fucking snowstorm for a week.

Moving on, in the trailer for this one the narrator says “from director Arnold Schwarzenegger”.  Now, the obvious first thought is “he’s not really a director”.  Right.  But it goes further than that.  It’s not like he even produces either (Last Action Hero and The 6^th Day are his only credits in that area).  He’s almost exclusively an actor.  Most people don’t seem to get that excited when an actor, even a well-known actor, tries their hand at directing.  So the fact that Schwarzenegger is in the director’s chair isn’t a big selling point I don’t think (I’m not counting someone like myself though because not only was I not the target audience for this thing but also because I wouldn’t be able to pass up anything Arnie directed).  The trailer should’ve just gone with “from Arnold Schwarzenegger”.  That makes a little more sense to me.

The second thing you’re thinking is “why would Arnie helm a romantic comedy Christmas movie?  He should’ve directed an action picture.”  You know what though?  I think Christmas in Connecticut fits perfectly.  Arnie is a very corny guy in real life.  He’s always cracking jokes and acting pretty smug.  I think he genuinely likes doing action movies but I also think it was something he kinda fell into.  It’s because of the way he looks, sounds and carries himself that made him so perfect for playing macho motherfuckers with attitude and style.  I have a theory that Arnie’s résumé would be mostly filled with films like Kindergarten Cop, Junior and Jingle All the Way if he looked like an average Joe type guy.  But he was smart enough to realize that beating up scumbags, killing dudes and rattling off one liners suited him extremely well on screen.  I’m not saying he wanted to be a comedian at any point in his career.  Like I said, he knew better.  But what I’m getting at is that Arnie really treasures cornball shit like Christmas in Connecticut (1945).  It influences his sense of humor and what he thinks makes for a good story.  I mean, Twins.

So in turn the remake is even cheesier and probably worse overall than the original.  The whole thing is louder and snappier.  I guess that’s how Arnie likes his shit.  Every once in a while there’ll be an awkward edit, scene transition or camera angle.  Also, there’s at least one really bad instance of slapstick humor.  And the snowy outdoor set is just too fake looking to ignore.  I guess it’s worth mentioning that they recreated some scenes from the original like the flapjack flipping scene, the baby bathing scene and the sleigh ride scene towards the end…if you care. 

Now I know this is going to sound contradictory but the weird thing is I found the remake easier to sit through.  It moves quicker and Tony Curtis steals the show.  He’s really fucking brash and obnoxious but he’s also pretty funny as the soulless TV producer.  The only other standout character was the guy who directs the TV show at the end.  He goes ballistic because absolutely everything goes wrong.  Everyone else is so bland and forgettable.  

And I guess that’s about it.  Both of the Christmases in Connecticuts movies are pretty terrible.  I wouldn’t see either of them if I were you.  If you’re looking for an old fashioned type of Christmas flick check out Holiday Inn or even Miracle on 34^th Street (1947) is pretty good if you haven’t seen it.  If you want something different to spice up the holiday season The Last Temptation of Christ is awesome and the old standby Silent Night, DeadlyNight is great too.  Merry fucking Christmas.