Death Wish II

*There’s gonna be some spoilers for Death Wish I

In the immortal words of A-number-one badass John McClane: how can the same shit happen to the same guy twice?  After getting away scot-free on committing multiple homicides Paul Kersey (Charlie Bronson (Mr. Majestyk)) moves out to LA and is still working as an architect.  He transferred his daughter (Robin Sherwood (Blow Out)) too so they can be together.  She’s never gotten over the incident in NYC and remains silent and detached from the world.  But goddammit, some muggers randomly pick Kersey out of the clear blue to fuck with.  What are the odds?

If you can believe it the assault on Kersey’s housekeeper (Silvana Gallardo (Days of Our Lives)) and daughter is actually worse than what Jeff Goldblum and crew did in the original.  Not only do the home invaders gang rape and beat the housekeeper but they end up killing her too.  Then they kidnap the daughter, rape her and she ends up throwing herself out of a window and getting impaled by the metal fence below.  Jesus.

Where this picture departs from its predecessor is instead of taking his fury out on random criminals Kersey decides to track down the specific people who destroyed his family.  He leads a double life at night by renting a shitty room in a sleazy part of town and dressing down to blend in with his surroundings.  He doesn’t have any info to go on besides his memory of their faces but manages to find his targets in a matter of days simply by walking the streets.  However, there’s some collateral damage as he kills a bunch of dudes not on his list because they stand in the way of completing his mission.

Amazingly there’s some fallout from the cops letting Kersey go in NYC.  When the New York police get wind of vigilante activity that sounds similar to what they experienced they send the detective who was on the case out to check in on Kersey.  It’s only through tons of incredible luck (sorta too complicated to explain here) that the impending shitstorm doesn’t come crashing down on Kersey’s head.  Still, I’ll give credit for following through on this lose end.

Another callback from the first picture to let you know it’s the same universe is the amount of unexpected help Kersey gets.  The everyday folks that happen to cross paths with the sonuvabitch when he’s working think of him as a hero.  Witnesses to his crimes refuse to cooperate with the cops because they want him to continue.  Again, it’s ridiculous luck that so many people are willing to look the other way for this guy.

And with the inclusion of the east coast police we can tick off corrupt cops on the Death Wish essentials checklist.  That’s not to say the LA boys are entirely off the hook.  They’re total dicks to any victim who gets shot, innocent bystanders caught in the crossfire and genuine criminals.  They lean on them hard for info while they’re bleeding and in pain and refuse them medical care.  I get that they’re passionate and pissed off but that’s not cool.

Laurence Fishburne (The Matrix) picks up the series trend of showcasing a young actor in an early role as a gang member.  When he plays a bad guy he hams it up and looks like he’s having a good time.  In this and King of New York he has this undeniable swagger of “I’m the baddest, I’m the smoothest, what the fuck you gonna do about it?”

Ultimately this film is more satisfying than the original.  It follows a more typical revenge story outline with the protagonist taking down the particular people who smashed his life to bits.  There’s a clear arc and a better build up and release.  Plus the deaths hit pretty hard too with an amped up gunshot sound and violent convulsing of the victims.  These are absolutely horrible people that you want to see get annihilated.

With that said it’s also a dumber movie.  I mean Kersey goes to get ice cream and out of nowhere winds up in an alley knife fight with some guy.  What the fuck is happening?  How did we get here?  And in another scene he impersonates a doctor to break into a hospital so he can attack one of the rapists.  He’s using disguises now?  He made a fake ID badge and everything?  Wow.

Comparable to how the ending of the original kind of almost definitely ruins the movie they pull some shit here as well.  Now that Kersey has started killing again he can’t stop.  These five assholes who raped and slaughtered his housekeeper and daughter were just the beginning.  He needs to feed his bloodlust by continuing to roam the streets at night and murdering others he deems not worthy to live anymore.  Are you fucking kidding me Paul Kersey?  STOP DOING THAT!

Oh and the Jimmy Page score of bellowing, wallowing, effects heavy guitar and clicking glass bottles is terrible.

Death Wish

Death Wish is a conflicting movie for me.  I sorta like it overall but I have serious issues with Paul Kersey, how vigilantism is portrayed and the very tidy ending.

First things first though, that title is one of the best ever in cinema history.  It evokes so much mystery.  Who has a death wish?  Why?  What happened to get to this point?  However, I contend Kersey doesn’t really have a death wish.  He’s bereft but not to the point where he doesn’t care if he lives or dies.  If that’s not the case the filmmakers should’ve been more overtly explicit.  Maybe he was more depressed and on the edge in the book this was based on.

With that out of the way let’s dive into the man himself.  Kersey suffers tremendous hardship when his wife and daughter are beaten and raped.  His wife eventually dies from her injuries while his daughter breaks from reality remaining in a catatonic state.  The cops have virtually nothing to go on so finding the perps is next to impossible.  Kersey’s conclusion is if the cops won’t do their job he’ll do it for them.  So with immense pain in his back pocket Kersey turns rogue and dishes out his own brand of justice to any mugger he comes across.  He’s confused, blinded by rage and naturally thinks he’s doing the right thing.  The world isn’t safe so he’ll make it safe one dead body at a time.  A co-worker in the beginning of the film calls him a bleeding heart liberal and we find out he was a conscientious objector during the Korean War which is setup to make his turn towards violence seem all the more disturbing.  The agonizing evolution this character goes through is fascinating and terrifying.

If this series wasn’t inextricably linked to Charlie Bronson (Hard Times) you might think it would be hard for him to pull off being such a mild mannered person who gets pushed into berserker mode because he was known for playing tough as nails characters.  He definitely has that strong stoic presence here but he exudes a softness that I don’t think I’ve seen from him in some of his other films.  He’s believable as someone who initially wouldn’t hurt a fly but then a switch is flipped in him to where he views human life as something less than precious.

You could say Bronson is emotionless for most of the run except for a couple of scenes and I wouldn’t necessarily disagree.  I like his performance though because it reminds me of Steven Segal’s cool under pressure poker face.  He has little dialogue but he makes it count when he has to.  Underplaying the character like this makes him more enigmatic in a good way in my opinion.  We don’t really know what he’s thinking so you can interpret his actions for yourself leading to endless debate.

It’s a marvel how efficient the storytelling and editing is.  The longest scene probably only lasts about two minutes.  For a movie with such a simple plot, but complicated protagonist, it’s smart filmmaking.  I appreciate that they keep shit rolling and tell as much as they can through the visuals.  Like when Kersey paints his apartment a new color to establish he’s started a new part of his life or when he looks through his recent vacation pictures that show his dead wife smiling on the beach it’s the tipping point when his emotions boil over.

Paul Kersey is sort of what a real life superhero would be like.  No ridiculous costume, no fancy gadgets, no network of helpers, just a guy with a gun weeding out crime on his beat.  He’s like Batman if you stripped away all the trappings.  They’re both wealthy white dudes who appear amiable and gentle during the day but at night they say “fuck the law” and write their own justice.  Of course the key difference is Batman either turns the criminals over to the cops or intimidates the shit out of them so they’ll think twice before committing any nefarious activity.  Kersey straight up massacres them.

Besides being an iconic role for Charlie Bronson this movie is also famous for featuring a young Jeff Goldblum (Nine Months) in his first feature (that’ll be a recurring theme with the sequels).  He plays one of the home invaders who calls Mrs. Kersey the c-word and rapes her daughter.  Interesting debut.  Additionally, Christopher Guest (Best in Show) has one brief scene towards the end as a rookie cop who actually has a pivotal role in the wrap up.

Before we get to more serious matters I want to mention Herbie Hancock’s really cool score.  It’s a great mix of jazz and classical that stirs up the energy in some scenes and remains beautifully subdued in others.  It’s definitely one of the strongest elements of the picture.

Ok, things get dicey when you start to dig into the racial and class aspects of the movie.  Kersey is a rich white guy going around killing people because his wife and daughter were beaten and raped and he feels it’s his duty to rid the world of the type of low level scum that violated his family.  Nothing gives him the right to do this but his actions are condoned when (spoilers) the cops let him fucking walk.  That’s right, they let this asshole go! 

Bronson said he doesn’t think the film promotes taking the law into your own hands but that seems kinda crazy to me considering Kersey was successful in his mission of slaying as many thieves as possible and the cops decide to look the other way.  It’s sorta clear the movie’s saying vigilantism works or at least isn’t that bad.  And even if you’re caught the most you’ll get is a slap on the wrist.  I don’t think the police would’ve been so gracious towards someone else with darker skin.  Being rich and white gives you a lot of leeway.

It’s also fucked up that aside from one cop black folks are exclusively portrayed as crooks.  For instance, while Kersey usually uses himself as bait to lure out attackers there’s one time that he flashes a wallet full of cash in front of two black dudes in a restaurant.  He knows they won’t be able to resist.  Would these guys have committed a crime if Kersey hadn’t come along?  We’ll never know.

This is a tough one.  I mean on a technical level it’s a pretty well made movie.  But I certainly feel like I shouldn’t like it because in terms of the story and the character of Paul Kersey it’s problematic as fuck.  A rich white guy gunning down muggers in the street and essentially getting endorsed by the police in the end is a pretty big middle finger to, well, everyone but especially anyone who isn’t rich and white.

Now, Kersey does wait for someone to actually attempt to rob him before he pulls the trigger.  We never see him preemptively blow someone away.  That still doesn’t give him the right to end people’s lives though.  He seeks out trouble by setting traps which doesn’t feel fair.  I wish the film was a bit more nuanced and there were consequences to Kersey’s actions.  It makes you think about how vigilantism is done in movies and why we’re ok with it when it’s a superhero but it’s messed up when Kersey’s on the prowl.  I think it’s safe to say this is how NOT to do vigilantism.

It’s the fact that the cops let him go that I have the biggest issue with.  This decision robs the film of being a more legitimately challenging picture.

I love the way this poster looks.  The awkward firing over the shoulder pose,
the leaf-less stark trees, the eerie cold feel of the rust, white and black coloring. 
It's more like something out of a horror movie.  Just magnificent.

Prime Cut

Let’s take a walk on the wilder side of 70’s action thrillers.  And that’s mainly due to the story involving young women trapped in white slavery who are harvested for meat.  I’ll let that sink in for a min.

Mary Ann (Gene Hackman (Narrow Margin)) runs this operation out of his legit meat plant (where he apparently also manufactures dope) on the farmlands outside Kansas City.  He stiffed the Chicago Irish mob for half a mill which by itself is a big no no.  But then on top of that he kills some low level goons who try to collect even turning one poor bastard into sausage.  Yuck!  I’d say the message he’s sending is loud and clear.  So now it’s up to enforcer Nick (Lee Marvin (Emperor of the North)) to set this asshole straight and get the money.

The whole atmosphere of this movie is strange.  The concept of gangsters butting heads is as old as time but the added angle of human meat production definitely makes things unsettling.  It’s almost like we took a wrong turn and somehow wound up in a very peculiar corner of the Texas Chainsaw universe where they do things a little different.

We’re introduced to the meat plant first in the opening credits that takes you through the whole process, from cattle off the truck to packaging preformed hamburger patties.  They make sure to let you know this isn’t your ordinary factory by quickly flashing a human mixed in with the other carcasses going off to the grinder.  I could see this part alone making some folks feel a touch squeamish.

Later on we meet Mary Ann and his boys during what seems like either an auction or a dinner party (or both).  They’re in a barn full of guests with a banquet laid out and all these streamers and there are girls locked in enclosures laying on bales of hay naked all drugged up to the point where they look dead.  People gawk at them like they’re livestock.  Maybe they’re bidding on them or maybe Mary Ann is showing off his inventory but either way the sight is absolutely fucked up.

Hackman plays such an amazing asshole too where he smiles almost constantly while insulting the shit out of everyone.  I do kinda love that we’re introduced to him while he’s shoveling an enormous plate of nasty greasy brown meat into his mouth.  He’s basically arrogance incarnate with no intention of stopping his operation or handing over a penny to Nick.

Mary Ann’s brother, Weenie (Gregory Walcott (The Sugarland Express)), is another piece of crap that Nick has to deal with.  He runs the plant, is always grimy, smirks at everything and is constantly eating some piece of meat, usually hot dogs (hence his name).  He’s portrayed as a dummy for sure being the muscle of the outfit.  And there’s a part where we’re led to think he likes to wear women’s clothes but maybe that isn’t really the case.  Plus the villains names are Mary Ann and Weenie (both are dudes) which could point to gay undertones.  I dunno.  It’s pretty blurry.

Marvin’s badassery is cranked all the way up as usual here with his take-no-shit attitude, few words spoken, menacing glare and suave way with the ladies.  Marvin telegraphs so much with his body language, eyes and simple gestures.  He’s without a doubt the coolest motherfucker in the room. 

Anyway, what’s kinda funny is Nick doesn’t seem to care about the meat harvesting or the dope dealing.  He’s there because Mary Ann owes a ton of mullah and offed a few of his boss’/partner’s guys.  Order needs to be restored.  And of course he’s up to the task.

Nick damn near kills himself to complete his mission when it’s clear Mary Ann won’t fork over the dough.  He works his way through several shootouts, gets chased by one of those monstrous combine harvesters with spinning blades on the front and there’s a great sequence where he hijacks an eighteen-wheeler and crashes it right into the meat plant’s huge greenhouse.  He doesn’t give a fuck.

Perhaps Nick’s motivations change a bit after he steals a girl named Poppy (Sissy Spacek (The Ring Two) in her first movie) who’s destined for the chopping block.  She tells him about the “orphanage” where the girls come from (really just a prison to raise and keep future victims) and how scared they get.  Once Nick’s face to face with the reality of the situation I think he recognizes he can’t let this shit go on.

This was directed by Michael Ritchie who had a long career doing mostly comedies like The Bad News Bears and Fletch.  Robert Dillon had also been around a while writing for TV but he would eventually pen The French Connection II and Flight of the Intruder. 

So I mean this isn’t an amazing picture but it’s sort of a fun time even though the subject matter is dark as hell.  The film comes across like a horrible dream set to an eclectic score by Lalo Shiffrin that includes easy listening, country and fuzzed out guitar driven jazz.

Ironically I don’t know if I’d call this a prime cut since everyone involved has done better work, but it’s engaging and well, just kinda fuckin’ weird.

Mish Mash 24 (Rookie of the Year Loves Ass, Peggy Sue Got Married (and Slit Her Throat), Fear City Slice and Dice, Mystic Pizza Subverts)

Rookie of the Year Loves Ass

In Daniel Stern’s family baseball freak show movie Rookie of the Year a kid (Thomas Ian Nicholas (Halloween: Resurrection)) injures his arm and suddenly has the ability to throw a baseball over a hundred miles an hour.  Of course the Chicago Cubs want him immediately because, well, they suck and are willing to try anything.  Ignoring all logic is an artform in this picture but a child being exploited by a large organization while also letting him live his dream is what we’re here to see.  If I want reality I’ll watch Weekend at Bernie’s.

Anyway, the part I wanted to bring up is when the doctor examines the golden arm after the cast is removed.  He asks to move the arm around some to check how it healed.  However, he gets slapped in the fucking face by the kid accidentally at an enormous speed smashing his nose.  The doctor’s reaction is to yell out “FUNKY BUTT LOVIN’!!!”  I gotta hand it to Stern on this one, that’s a good sneak on a PG film.

 

Peggy Sue Got Married (and Slit Her Throat)

A woman named Peggy Sue (Kathleen Turner (Romancing the Stone)) goes back in time to 1960 and relives her high school life for a week hoping to avoid the same mistakes she made the first time.  Chiefly she doesn’t want to fall in love with her sweetheart Charlie (Nicolas Cage (Moonstruck)) again because in the present they’re going through a divorce.  It’s a lighthearted comedy meant to make you think about your own life choices and what you might’ve done differently given the chance.

If the plot sounds familiar that’s because it’s essentially Back to the Future with a few changes.  But boy it’s amazing what those tweaks do.  I found this film to be mostly very depressing and that’s for two reasons.  Peggy Sue is reliving her own life instead of examining her parent’s youth.  Seeing what your folks were like in high school stirs up some curiosity and removes yourself from the situation by a step.  Reliving your own past sounds like a nightmare because you know everything that’s going to happen and the horrors that lie ahead.  Suddenly you’re living at home again and have all the restrictions of a teenager.  Plus Peggy Sue spends some time with her sister that she lost contact with over the years and visits her grandparents who’ve been long dead.  How the hell can anyone process all this shit?

The second reason the situation is worse is Peggy Sue doesn’t know if she’s dreaming or crazy.  In Back to the Future Marty knows for sure he time traveled and works with Doc Brown to find a way to get him to his proper time.  There’s a goal that’s worked toward.  In this picture Peggy Sue has no idea how long she’s stuck in 1960.  It could be a day, a week, a year, eternity, whatever.  And who knows, maybe when she finally reaches the present the cycle will start all over again.

So with these seemingly small changes the impact is huge.  I mean if I were Peggy Sue I would probably blow my fucking brains out after two days.  The emotional strain would be overwhelming with no end in sight.  Damn dude, what a cruel fate.

 

Fear City Slice and Dice

Abel Ferrara’s Fear City is not a good movie.  He’s done killer-runs-amok-on-the-streets-of-NYC better with Ms .45 and to a lesser extent The Driller Killer except this one is a lot sleazier.  Some asshole is murdering strippers and it’s up to the seedy heads of the talent agencies who supply the dancing girls to flush him out.

The killer (Neil Clifford (Class of 1984) in an uncredited role) has a manifesto, called “Fear City”, about ridding the world of filth.  Naturally his approach is to do martial arts training in an empty warehouse and strike strippers on their way home from work.  Most of the time it’s knife attacks but for one he uses nunchucks which comes across pretty silly.

But the real reason I’m bringing this picture up is the murderer dispatches one of his victims with a samurai sword.  The setup is so fuckin’ ridiculous with the dude standing on a street corner with his back to the building waiting for the poor woman to walk right into his blade.  We’re talking New York fuckin’ City here where there’s no one around and someone can flash a katana in public, hold out for a min and slice a broad in half right on the street.  Who does that?

 

Mystic Pizza Subverts

(Warning: this is gonna be all spoilers)

So I checked out Mystic Pizza and didn’t think too much about it going in.  The plot involves three ladies played by Annabeth Gish (SLC Punk!), Lili Taylor (Leatherface) and Julia Roberts (Mary Reilly) who just finished high school and don’t know where their lives are headed next.  Each gets in a relationship and you feel pretty smart about where this shit is going ‘cause you’ve seen a dramedy or two like this before.  But in a bold move the filmmakers flip the tables on you and subvert your expectations.

Taylor is engaged to Vincent D’Onofrio (Rings) but is having second thoughts.  She wants to fool around some more before jumping right into marriage.  When Taylor tries to have sex with D’Onofrio he can’t do it and is offended that all she wants is his penis.  This is the opposite of every guy in every movie ever.  He wants a long term commitment and not only sex.  Sensitive dude.

Roberts gets tangled up with a rich law school kid (Adam Storke (Death Becomes Her)) who drives a Porsche and lives in a mansion and the whole bit.  So he’s got to eventually reveal himself to be a major asshole, right?  Turns out sure, he does a couple of jerky things but in the end he apologizes for his stupid behavior and at no point does he really treat Roberts badly.  He shows he can grow as a person and better himself and Roberts recognizes that.  So again, another guy that doesn’t go down a path you expect.

The real kicker though is Gish’s relationship with her employer (William Moses (lots of crime solving TV shit)).  She gets hired as a babysitter and develops a crush on the father flirting with him.  The wife is overseas on a business trip so she’s not around.  This sonuvabitch picks up on the googly eyes and makes his move on Gish.  The fact that they have sex is terrible not necessarily because of the age difference but more because this fella’s willing to risk his marriage and the wellbeing of his child for a fling with a teenager.  They don’t seem like they have a lot in common or much chemistry either.  The entire relationship is creepy.  And when the wife returns of course Gish is devastated.  It’s a very shitty situation that I could see the film advancing towards but refused to believe they would actually go through with it until it happened.

Mystic Pizza, not exactly what I thought I was gonna get but in a good way.  I guess I like the movie overall and appreciate that it tries different ideas.

This was written by Amy Holden Jones who also wrote Beethoven and Indecent Proposal and wrote and directed The Slumber Party Massacre.  Interesting career.

Mortal Kombat (2021)

The new Mortal Kombat movie is surprisingly confusing.  It starts off in 1600’s Japan with the guy who would eventually become Sub-Zero (Joe Taslim (The Raid: Redemption)) invading the home of the guy who would eventually become Scorpion (Hiroyuki Sanada (Ringu)).  We’re thrown into this situation where guards and baddies are being picked off left and right and one dude can form icicles out of his hand and another guy’s body disappears in flames and we don’t know why they’re fighting and it’s supposed to be very emotional and this doesn’t look too much like the video game and I don’t know what’s going on.

Skip to modern day where washed up MMA fighter Cole Young (Lewis Tan (Deadpool 2)) scrapes by on $200 matches he never wins.  Jax (Mehcad Brooks (Glory Road)) pays a visit because they both share a dragon shaped marking on their bodies.  We find out this means they’ve been chosen to fight in a mystical otherworldly competition for the fate of Earthrealm (Earth) and must travel to Raiden’s (Tadanobu Asano (Thors)) temple to train.  Now we’re getting into more familiar territory.  I can follow this part.

But what’s really kinda weird about this film is (and spoiler) there’s no tournament.  Instead villain Shang Tsung (Chin Han (2012)) decides to cheat and kill off his opponents before the official bouts.  Not a cool move.  So I get the filmmakers wanted to do their own thing instead of replicating the 1995 picture which followed a classic kumite structure but ditching the tournament altogether definitely comes off as a sequel idea.  I kept waiting for the contest to formally start and was disappointed when that never happened.

Another strange mix up is creating an original character for the lead.  I thought maybe Cole Young was from one of the later games because I didn’t recognize him (I’ve only played the first two entries) but read afterward he was made up just for this movie.  Why?  You’re telling me there isn’t a character from any of the games that could be a suitable main hero?  Why not give it to Sonya (Jessica McNamee (The Meg))?  The only change you would need is to have her be less knowledgeable about the tourney from the get go so she can learn with the audience about what’s happening.

It’s not only Cole Young that’s an issue though.  All the characters are pretty bland except for Sonya who’s alright and Kano (Josh Lawson (Bombshell)) who steals the show.  Literally every one of his lines is a smarmy joke and normally that would get real fuckin’ old real fuckin’ fast but I didn’t mind it here.  I think because most of the stuff he says I actually found funny.  This was probably one of those situations where he had a smaller role initially but then the filmmakers realized they had struck gold and gave him more lines during production.

Can we touch on the special powers for a minute?  Each fighter has some sort of unique ability and the movie attempts to explain this by saying every contender has it in them already and they need to unlock it through pain/will/aggression, something like that.  The powers are ridiculously random though like throwing fireballs, a magic hat that can act as a deadly frisbee or sawblade, a laser eye and there’s a human sized lizard that can spit acid and turn invisible.  Anything goes.  Yes, these are the characters from the games.  I know.  It’s just silly that they felt like they needed to give some reason for their abilities like it’s a metaphor for tapping into one’s inner strength/confidence.

Ok, let’s move on to the fighting.  While a lot of it is fairly choppy in the editing, overall it’s fine.  Nothing really crazy or impressive to marvel at but solid martial arts mixed with fantasy elements like teleporting or forming an ice sword in mid combat or summoning a gargantuan fire dragon to…set someone on fire.  It’s the video game inspired maneuvers that make these scenes stand out and one of the coolest moments in the whole piece (which was in the trailer so you’ve seen it already) is when Sub-Zero freezes Scorpion’s blood that’s shooting out of his body to form an instant ice spike to stab him with.

From that last statement you can probably guess they don’t shy away from the gore either.  Although, they wait until towards the end to amp it way up.  You got shit like folks getting sawed in half vertically, intestines spilling out and heads getting crushed.  The filmmakers stayed faithful to the source material in this area so I have to at least give them credit for that.

However, the catchphrases like “flawless victory”, “Kano wins” and the infamous “get over here!” all feel extremely shoehorned in.  Like they sound sorta stupid in the context of everything else in the movie which is mostly serious.  It’s more like what a little kid would say rather than something truly badass.

Unfortunately the dialogue and acting in general is not very good.  Lots of tropes you’ve heard before and delivered flatly.

Even though this review came out pretty damn negative this isn’t a horrible picture.  Some of the fights and Kano are enjoyable enough.  Everything else is either forgettable (the characters) or doesn’t exactly seem Mortal Kombat-y (the opening, the plot).  And there’s unnecessary confusion sprinkled throughout concerning special abilities and how they work, the fact that they constantly talk about this incredibly important fate-of-humanity-hangs-in-the-balance tournament yet they never actually deliver on it, etc.

Look, the 1995 version is a dumb fuckin’ movie but there’s a charm in how campy it is and it feels more like the video game come to life.  I can appreciate they went in a different direction this time but there were a bunch of questionable choices made.  I’m not sure if I’ll end up revisiting this.

Father Hood

Strap in ‘cause this one’s gonna get weird.  Tone, the circumstances during filming and the possible inspiration for the plot are all questionable decisions.

Let’s start with the last part first.  Jack Charles (Patrick Swayze (Dirty Dancing)) is a small time thief who’s about to take down the biggest score of his life.  His wife died leaving him with two kids, eighteen year old Kelly (Sabrina Lloyd (Sliders)) and ten year old Eddie (Brian Bonsall (Blank Check)).  He stuck them in foster care though because they cramp his style.  Kelly escapes and goes to Jack for help telling him the kids at the center are being beaten and sexually abused.  Jack isn’t interested at first but when he looks into her accusations he sees that they’re true.  He breaks Eddie out and now the three of them are on the run from the cops.  The bulk of the film is a road adventure from LA to New Orleans with Jack and co. dodging trouble at every turn.

Now according to IMDb some of these events (or maybe just one) were based on a guy named Mike Hardy who was a con that also kidnapped his daughter from foster care and he’s listed as a technical consultant on the film.  And this shit seems to line up because I found an LA Times article from 1990 about a Mike Hardy who was being charged for murdering his wife and it mentions the kidnapping incident.  He rammed into a van and held folks at gun point while in the movie Jack Charles pulls over a school bus and shoves a gun in people’s faces.  When Hardy was convicted a second article talks about Nicholas Pileggi testifying in the case. Pileggi produced Father Hood (and Goodfellas).  Fuckin’ out there, right?

OK, let’s talk about the tone.  It’s erratic as a sonuvabitch.  A lot of what the movie deals with like child abuse, child abandonment, child endangerment, juvenile centers being run like prisons, sexual abuse, trauma, etc. are pretty heavy topics.  And the picture is mostly shot and edited in a serious manner.  What I can’t fucking understand are the music choices.  They smack a rockabilly Stray Cats sorta thing on there every once in a while and it instantly makes the scenes ridiculously silly.  Either the filmmakers hedged their bet and hoped to appeal to a broader audience by lightening up the mood or they had no goddamn clue what they were doing.

The relationship Jack has with his kids is supposed to be humorous at times as well but I don’t find that to be nearly as big of a problem as the soundtrack.  Jack is a larger than life figure, Elvis wannabe, wears gaudy silk shirts with ugly ass designs, gold rimmed sunglasses, rings, sports a 50’s greaser hairdo, drives a 70’s Cadillac, you know exactly who this guy is.  He’s too cool for school so I can see the comedy in pairing him with kids aged eighteen and ten who argue and call him out on his bullshit.

This is a movie so odd matchups can be charming.  In real life though Jack would be a total piece of shit who pawned his kids off on the system long ago.  This is another tonal issue.  Jack lets it be known he’s not into his children, even yelling at them that he’s not their father (untrue), yet he never fails to rescue them from danger or put his own life at risk to save them.  I know humans are complicated but bouncing back and forth the opposite ends of the spectrum of love and hate wears on you.  It feels more like he learns to love his kids because the film needs him to rather than the progression happening naturally.

And the corny as shit courtroom speech at the end (without a doubt the worst part of the film) about how his children were ripped from his arms and he only wanted the best for them and you gotta be a responsible parent rings utterly hollow.  The head of the juvenile center protests “the man kidnaped his children, doesn’t that mean anything to anyone here?!”  Earlier in the movie this guy is shown to be a scumbag of the highest order but he’s not wrong right there!  The whole proceeding then devolves into a farce with arguments flying up and down unrelated to the current trial, death threats and assault.  No real judge would ever allow this crap.  At least there’s some correction of events with Jack getting fifteen months.

So we have a disreputable anti-hero guy, intense themes being vaguely explored, a terrible choogling slap bass soundtrack and a clash of personalities for comic relief.  What else does this need?  You guessed it, ACTION!  This crew goes on several car chases, a speedboat chase, commits attempted armed robbery and Jack jumps from the hood of a fuckin’ truck onto a fuckin’ boat being towed by a fuckin’ trailer.  Somehow, amazingly, these parts are done really well.  It’s crystal clear, has satisfying hits and is nicely choreographed.  And this is where I’m conflicted.  The more adventure-y aspects of this thing are kinda great because there’s a drive to them.  Jack needs to be in New Orleans by a certain day and has to keep moving if he’s gonna make his mark.  Ducking the police along the way adds to the sense of danger and urgency.

Another highlight are the performances.  Sabrina Lloyd is definitely the best.  She’s acting her ass off trying to convince Jack that foster is a hell hole and demands a better life for her and her brother.  She’s tough as nails and is careful to not let her guard down because she’s had a real rough upbringing and been through a lot of shit.  Lloyd gives the character some breathing room too like she gets a little giddy when Jack asks her to take over driving for a while so he can sleep.  She’s never driven before and with a smile exclaims “this is cool!”

Patrick Swayze is fun too and he looks like he’s having an awesome time but then I read he was hitting rock bottom with his alcoholism during the shoot.  Makes me view his performance a bit differently.  I mean he still brings joy to the movie but it’s really sad to know he wasn’t in a good place.  He checked into rehab the same year this film came out so he finally got the help he needed (until his relapse ten years later).

This was written by Scott Spencer (Endless Love) who’s more of a novelist.  It’s difficult to tell his original intent but I wanna say he meant for this to be taken seriously and the studio then tried to fill it with jokes and a boogie woogie soundtrack.  Who knows?

South African director Darrell Roodt (Sarafina!) got the call and as far as the actual shooting and performances go he does a fine job.  On certain technical levels it’s totally competent.  Like Spencer I’m not sure how much of the messy end result is his fault.  Disney made the movie (through Hollywood Pictures) so that makes me think they did some enormous meddling to shave the hard edges off.  Of course that raises the question of why they would greenlight the film in the first place considering the subject matter and their brand.

Jeez guys, I was all set to say maybe check this one out if sudden tonal changes don’t bother you but I dunno if I can do that anymore.  The really weighty shit like a pregnant teen being torn away from the woman who raised her and being dragged back to foster is heart wrenching.  But then Swayze’s kinda funny with his cocksure performance.  And then there’s that speedboat helicopter chase that’s really neat.  It needs to pick a lane badly.

The more I found out about this movie the creepier I felt about liking it even a little.  Between apparently basing the lead character on a shady crook (and later convicted murderer), knowing about Swayze’s alcohol addiction during filming and the bizarre choices in tone puts a damper on the enjoyment.  I mean how does this shit sound to you?  Do you wanna hang out with a hood who’s also a father and watch him grow into the idea of fatherhood while the rest of the picture comments on how fucked up a whole bunch of kids are treated both in foster care and by their parents?  It’s a lot.  It’s too much for a movie pushing a somewhat family friendly spin on a story about a criminal with a heart of gold who falls in love with his abandoned kids during a road trip (crime spree). 

Dragonslayer

This one’s refreshingly straightforward with just enough nuttiness for a thoroughly enjoyable watch.  What’s it called?  Dragonslayer.  What’s it about?  A group of medieval villagers recruit a wizard to murder a motherfuckin’ dragon.  Bam.  Right to the point.

What’s kinda interesting is the story around the task at hand.  For instance the dragon is holding the town hostage.  Unless she (you bet your boots it’s a strong independent woman dragon) gets her human female virgin sacrifice once every five years she’ll burn the place down.  Oh and the dragon’s name is Vermithrax Pejorative.  Wow, cool.  Although I had to look it up, I don’t remember anyone actually saying it in the movie but whatever.

Another odd tidbit is there’s this one local virgin named Valerian (Caitlin Clarke (Blown Away)) who pretends to be a boy to get out of the death lottery.  She knows her days are still numbered though, plus she’s had enough of this bullshit, so she spearheads the plan for help.  Problem is the sorcerer (Ralph Richardson (Tales from the Crypt (1972))) gets killed before he sets out on the journey (sorta complicated to explain) leaving his apprentice, Galen (Peter MacNicol (Heat (1986))), to take the job.

At first Galen seems personality-less but he grew on me.  What’s different about this character is despite his youth and inexperience he’s actually very brave.  He never backs down from a fight and doesn’t think twice about hunting down the dragon.  Ok, he displays some mild arrogance here and there.  But at the same time he’s devoid of macho man bluster that was incredibly popular at the time.  In appearance he’s basically the opposite of Conan the Barbarian, short and lanky with soft features.  I think that’s ultimately what makes him appealing though.  He’s a seemingly average dude that’s definitely in over his head but he wants to help these people and admirably sees his task through.  Well, he’s also in love with Valerian but his heroism doesn’t come off as showboating either.

While the story could’ve been adjusted a bit (the finale is unfortunately anticlimactic) and there are several superfluous characters the main draw is that dragon and the showdown with Galen.  Leading up to this we only catch brief glimpses of the creature’s claws, tail, back of the head, fire breath and her swooping by in the sky quickly.  It’s the usual mix of building suspense, keeping you hungry for more, smart filmmaking and trying to keep the budget down.

When Galen’s ready to duke it out mano a draco he gets ahold of a super sharp spear from the local blacksmith and a shield made of dragon scales woven by Valerian.  The shield idea is particularly clever because if a monster can breath fire then wouldn’t its outer skin be somewhat flameproof to help protect itself?

Anyway, there’s some silly business outside the beast’s lair with Galen having to first fend off the film’s human antagonist (John Hallam (The Wicker Man)).  This asshole is absolutely unnecessary.  Not only does he want Galen to fail in his mission but he wants to actively kill him just because.  There’s no real reason.

So once we’re through with that dipshit we go deep inside the ominously lit rocky cave where Galen encounters dragon babies.  They’re nasty demons that look like grotesque mutated bats the size of a large dog.  They’re gnawing on a virgin sacrifice with one biting her foot clean off (did I mention this is rated PG?).  This sequence reminds me a little of the rodents of unusual size part of The Princess Bride.  The movie may have come out after Dragonslayer but the book was released well before.

After all that fooling around Galen finally makes his way into a colossal cavern with a lake…that’s on fire!  Vermithrax sneaks up out of the water from behind and we get our big reveal and holy fucking shit this thing is fuckin’ awesome looking!  It was such a dramatic build up to this confrontation and it delivers in spades.  A bunch of filmmakers (nerds) have said this is their favorite dragon on film and you know what?  I agree.  It has the perfect shape with a sharp snout, beady eyes, a serpent neck, horns, spikes, pointed wings, razor talons, etc.  Alright fine, that sounds like every dragon ever.  I’m not doing this thing justice.  Look up pictures.

And the ensuing bout is badass as hell.  Galen uses the shield to protect himself against massive streams of fire and tries his best to get stabs in whenever he can.  They figured out how to not make the fight feel completely one sided like the dragon should obliterate him in a second.  Galen works with what he’s got and gives the bitch a run for her money.

Now of course this achievement is largely due to the phenomenal effects.  The good folks at ILM put forth an amazing bonanza of practical gags.  They use every trick in the book including new ones for the time like go motion, an offshoot of stop motion that attempts to incorporate motion blur making the movement seem more realistic.  They were also using this technique in The Empire Strikes Back and ET.  And at least in Dragonslayer it does look better than stop motion.

One minus is Vermithrax doesn’t look so hot while flying which appears jerky, stiff and sorta blurry.  Part of the reason why the finale falls flat is an overreliance on having the dragon fly.  And I totally get it on paper that it sounds tremendous but it doesn’t look nearly as nice as when she’s slithering around in her cave.

This is your typical boys adventure film that was made immensely popular by folks like Lucas and Spielberg from the 70’s to the 90’s.  And that makes sense since collaborator Matthew Robbins wrote this (with his buddy Hal Barwood) and directed.  He also wrote The Sugarland Express, did some additional writing on Close Encounters of the Third Kind and even the THX short.  His biggest claim to fame directing wise is probably *batteries not included which was produced by Spielberg.

While it’s got its fair share of issues the positives are real strong.  Aside from the kick ass effects the production design (Elliott Scott (Indian Jones, Roger Rabbit)) and score (Alex North who apparently recycled his unused music from 2001) are also top notch.  The characters aren’t the strongest but they’re likeable and the story throws in a few curious details to keep your interest.  It’s worth checking out for that lady dragon alone.