End of Days

If you look at Schwarzenegger’s career leading up to End of Days he had battled various types of enemies like robots, aliens, plain ol’ humans and even cinema itself.  But he hadn’t done ghosts or anything spiritual so to go up against Satan was new territory for him.  And curiously this didn’t take some fantasy/sword and sorcery kinda path which Arnie had tackled with the Conans or a more exaggerated/cartoonish reality like Batman & Robin.  Instead they went for the gritty boiler plate cop action movie angle.  Think about how crazy that approach is.  How is the devil supposed to fit in to a setup like that?

Well sorry to burst your bubble right off the bat but unfortunately the concept doesn’t play out nearly as ludicrous as what you’re imagining.  This is largely due to the movie treating Lucifer (Gabriel Byrne (Cool World, Hereditary)) like any run of the mill villain.  His goal is to procreate with human woman Christine (Robin Tunney (Vertical Limit, The Craft)) on the eve of the year 2000 (eastern standard time of course) which will bring about the end of the world.  But instead of having a laser beam focus like the T-1000 he takes his time visiting his worshipers and killing skateboarders.  He just bullshits around like many action movie bad guys.

This behavior makes Satan kind of incompetent here.  I mean when you look at the guy’s extensive powers you realize there’s no excuse why he can’t get the job done in a few hours at most.  He can cause explosions, hallucinations, murder people instantly, has superhuman strength, can resurrect the dead and make them his foot soldiers, weaken people’s minds to do his bidding and his piss is as flammable as gasoline.  That last one is by far the strangest attribute.  In any case no one stands a chance against this dude.  And with all these powers it somehow still takes him a day or two to find Christine making him look extra clumsy.

On top of that Satan has a whole lot of trouble fighting Schwarzenegger.  These two go toe to toe twice and it’s no question Schwarzenegger kicks the devil’s ass both times.  Arnie definitely works for it though and takes a beating in the process.  He should’ve died during one scene when a group of worshipers overwhelm him in sheer numbers but amazingly even the all powerful Satan pulls one of the biggest cliché moves of all time by letting the hero live so he can witness the villain’s grand scheme play out.

There are a few positives I wanna bring up though.  Schwarzenegger plays suicidal alcoholic cop Jericho Cane (damn, that’s ballsy to go for the double bible reference in a single name) whose wife and daughter were murdered in some sort of retaliation plot.  This is probably the darkest most grim character he had played up to that point.  Since then he’s done this type a few times like in Collateral Damage and Aftermath but back in the 90’s it was a little depressing to see him like this.  However, I think he pulls it off.  He carries the grief with him throughout the piece.  You can see it in his face and he doesn’t joke around quite as much as usual.  He’s also understandably dumbstruck when he finds out the devil actually exists.  I like Arnie as Jericho.  It stands out in his repertoire because he takes it a little more seriously.

Everyone else is fine.  Byrne is serviceable as Beelzebub who goes a somewhat sophisticated quiet rage route.  I wonder if it was a conscious choice to make this character an affluent white man in NYC.  It’s doubtful the filmmakers were going for any sort of message but I thought I’d ask that out loud.

Robin Tunney does as good a job as you can with a character like Christine.  This is supposed to be the most important person on the planet yet she’s simply a damsel in distress.  She doesn’t do a thing to help defeat Satan or aid Schwarzenegger.  That’s shitty.

The strongest aspect of the film is the cinematography (my man Peter fuckin’ Hyams (Sudden Death, The Relic) also directs).  Everything looks pretty great.  The lighting is especially moody with almost every scene being a bit underlit.  There’s also a bunch of smoke billowing up from beneath surfaces and a griminess to everything as if to say “is this world really worth saving anyway?”  And it’s cool when they’re stringing up Schwarzenegger on a makeshift cross while it’s raining but Satan is the only one who magically isn’t getting wet.

Overall this one has a strange vibe.  The script is too generic for the wacky baseline idea and the execution is a good deal better than it should be with some nice photography and quick cuts in an effort to make the story more exciting.

One thing’s for sure, this isn’t as bad as its reputation.  I remember when it came out and everyone shat on it hard.  There are some neat sequences like when Schwarzenegger is pursuing a mad gunman on a high rise roof while dangling from a helicopter and the subway train scene where you never know which part of the car Satan is gonna pop out from next.  Also, the scene where the devil tries to convince Schwarzenegger to join him is well done and enjoyable.  There’s certainly some good stuff to be had.

This is what you think the entire movie will be but
it's only a few seconds out of two hours

But it’s still a tough recommendation.  Maybe the biggest strike against it is it comes off a bit too much like a Se7en knock off.  There was this awkward trend in the second half of the 90’s where some folks tried to cash in on the huge success of that picture and before you knew it an entire slew of unbearably gloomy vaguely religious crime thrillers popped up.  You had The Glimmer Man, Kiss the Girls, The Bone Collector, Fallen and etc.  That was weird man.

Anyway, if the stars align this new year’s for Satan to come to NYC and start a merciless reign of doom let’s all hope Schwarzenegger will be there to stop the sonuvabitch cold.  Have a happy and a healthy and I’ll see you next decade!  Byeee!