There are a lot of Christmas action movie lists out there
and they all contain the usual suspects.
You got Die Hard 1 & 2, Batman
Returns, The Long Kiss Goodnight, Reindeer Games, Lethal Weapon and Kiss Kiss Bang Bang. They’re all fine films (well, except Reindeer Games which is not very good) but
there are a couple others that don’t get very much recognition. So if you’re in the mood for some explosions
or kicks to the face to go along with your holiday season then you can’t go
wrong with these gems. Oh, and uh…Merry
Christmas, I guess.
Invasion U.S.A.
Cubans decide to invade the ol’ U.S. during Christmas. They bust their way in via Florida and
destroy suburban residential areas ‘n’ shit.
Ex-CIA agent, Matt Hunter (Chuck Norris), ain’t gonna let these fuckers
take over or ruin the holiday season though.
He lives in the Everglades and doesn’t take too kindly to the Cubans
blowin’ up his homely shack. Hunter fights
back with some street tactics and almost single handedly stops the invasion.
If you guys didn’t know already, I’m not a big Chuck Norris
fan. He’s kinda bland and doesn’t have a
lot of charisma. His martial arting is
fine but you get the sense that there’s nothing below the surface like you do
with his peers. In my opinion he
deservedly sits on the B action star tier and it seems obvious to me why he was
never able to break through onto the A list.
However, this is probably my favorite movie of his (that
I’ve seen so far anyway). It has a great
and ridiculous concept, some really awesome action/stunt work (the jeep driving
through a crowded mall scene is fucking tremendous) and it’s all executed
clearly and pretty well overall. It may
be a lot dumber than I like my action films to be, a lot dumber, but dammit this a helluva good time.
Of course, this all didn’t need to take place during
Christmas but it’s a nice touch. Best
big-dumb-action-movie of all time? I dunno
but it’s certainly on the short list.
‘R Xmas
Ok, this one isn’t an action movie but when the hell am I
ever gonna get to talk about Abel Ferrara’s (Bad Lieutenant, King of New York) take on Christmas?
So it starts out with a glimpse into the life of this rich
Manhattan couple (Drea de Matteo (The
Sopranos) and Lillo Brancato (A Bronx
Tale)). They go see their daughter
in a grammar school Christmas play, they go shopping at a toy store and ride a
horse drawn carriage down 5th Avenue. They seem like your average corny
family. But then the husband and wife (we
never learn their names) start mixing and bagging some heroin (I think it’s
that and not coke but can’t say for sure).
It’s a great setup and a decent payoff.
Shit gets real when the husband gets kidnaped and held for
ransom though. The wife has to scramble and
scrape together cash and dope to save him.
The thing is the kidnapper (Ice-T) wants more than that. He wants the husband to stop pushing drugs
and straighten up. It’s kinda weird but
I don’t want to spoil anything so you’ll have to watch it to see what that’s
all about.
‘R Xmas may not be
really great but it has enough tension to keep things rolling. And I dig that the film doesn’t judge the
couple for dealing drugs. Ferrara
manages to stay fairly neutral on that part of it. It’s the other end of the spectrum, the law,
that Ferrara is saying something. I’m
not sure what that is but he does seem to have an opinion there (that was some sarcasm
by the way).
It’s a slow burn but not bad. Ferrara’s definitely done better and certainly
done worse. Plus the Christmas theme is
probably the most prominent of the three I discuss here.
Cobra
A cult wreaks havoc and goes on a killing spree in L.A. They say it’s “the way of the new
world.” The Cobra (Stallone) is on the
case though. He needs to protect Ingrid
(Brigitte Nielsen (Rocky IV, Beverly
Hills Cop II)) who witnessed one of these cult murders. Can he keep her alive long enough to put
these scumbags away…or brutally murder them all? Oh yeah and it’s Christmas time.
There’s not much I can say that hasn’t already been said
about this one. It’s somewhat notorious
in the realm of action for not only including every single action movie cliché
known to man but for also being incredibly nonsensical. Some examples are: we never learn why the
cult kills people or what they believe in exactly, the cops bring in Cobra to
deal with extreme situations but then disapprove of his methods and one of Cobra’s
strange idiosyncrasies is the guy sucks on a matchstick throughout the whole
movie. Some folks sport a toothpick but
not Cobra, a matchstick is more, uh, dangerous?
I dunno.
(trademark guns not shown here) |
Aside from just the image of Cobra, with his trademark guns,
matchstick and aviator shades, the opening sequence is probably the most famous
part of the film where a cult member takes some people in a supermarket hostage.
This also makes little sense because of,
well, a lot of things. The amount of
ridiculous shit that occurs in this one scene is so voluminous that it’s easier
if you just watch it for yourself. I promise
you’ll know what I’m talking about.
Another thing I want to point out is that Pepsi must’ve put
up big bucks ‘cause it’s everywhere in this fuckin’ thing. And I mean in your face too, not just subtly
in the background or some shit. It’s
just something I noticed and now I hope you won’t be able to not see it too
(yikes, sorry about that double negative there).
Let me say though that I absolutely love this picture. Now I know what you’re thinking, “why do you
like this one so much but call Invasion
U.S.A. dumb?” First of all Cobra is sorta dumb, but the difference
is Cobra has more heart I think. It feels more well-intentioned and like they genuinely
believed in the material and took it very seriously. Invasion
U.S.A. seems more removed, like those filmmakers were more aware of the
type of movie they were making. This in
turn gives Invasion U.S.A. a slightly
playful attitude, as opposed to the down and dirty solemn tone of Cobra (but be warned that Cobra does have its cringe inducing
comic relief).
Cobra is something
special guys. Like a-woman-modeling-with-a-robot-that’s-wearing-a-fur-coat
special. It has a bit of an offbeat
slant to it that I really dig. The
action is pretty goddamn spectacular too, the car chase in particular. Plus it’s only 83 minutes long which is
rarely a bad thing.
It may not be Die Hard
or Lethal Weapon (especially when it
comes to emphasizing the Christmas theme) but it means well. I highly recommend it.
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