One Shot

If you still had doubts that Scott Adkins (The Debt Collector) is the reigning champ of action cinema right now take a gander at One Shot and then get back to me.  Holy shit what a fun and exciting film.

At first I was worried because the beginning has a cheap amateur feel.  The setup of Navy SEALS and a CIA operative butting heads with other secretive US government spooks to transfer a terrorist prisoner isn’t particularly interesting.  It’s generic military crap that a zillion other movies use as a baseline for tension.  However, when a large force of insurgents armed to the teeth breaks into the compound it’s all out war.  They want the prisoner in question and it’s up to Adkins and co. to prevent that from happening by both fighting the enemy head on in firefights, sneaking around covertly dispatching victims and desperately trying to get the antenna up and running again so they can call for backup.

The main gimmick of this sucker is that it all appears to be done in one long shot.  It wasn’t but it becomes so engrossing it doesn’t matter (plus these motherfuckers ain’t crazy like those who made Russian Ark).  The closest equivalent that I (and I think most people) have seen is 1917, a seemingly single take war picture.  One Shot is sort of like a much rougher version.  The camera doesn’t glide nearly as elegantly so you definitely notice the movements more.  This is particularly obvious in the non-action scenes where the filmmakers don’t know what to do with the camera so they end up swiveling in a circle around the actors or swinging back and forth between whoever has the next line of dialogue.  They never lock the camera down.  For three quarters of the film this works though because there’s so much chaos with constant scrapes and shouting matches that you do get successfully emersed in the dire situation.  The rawness and limitation of committing to a one shot approach works incredibly well here.

And with the combination of a continuous shot and little relief from the onslaught certain deaths hit hard.  Most are your usual stormtrooper type with faceless guys being gunned or knifed down and you don’t really think about it.  But there are a couple of non-military administrative folks that work at the black site who get executed and it’s kinda disturbing.  And earlier one of Adkins’ team lies severely injured on a table after the initial attack slowly dying with his brothers in arms unable to help him.  They can only do their best to comfort him during his last moments.  The camera doesn’t cut away because it can’t making this scene especially heart wrenching.

One curious thing is the acting.  At the start it’s not very good adding to the preliminary shitty production feel.  But then, like every other aspect of this picture, it turns a corner when the attack begins.  Everyone switches on pro mode and gives it their all showing determination, frustration, agony, madness, fear, desperation, etc.  Even Adkins sports a much more successful American accent here than the trashy quasi southern one he did in Ip Man 4.  Although out of everyone the stand out is Waleed Elgadi (The 355) who plays the prisoner being transferred.  He does an amazing job all the way through as someone who’s been tortured, at the end of his rope and has been jerked around so much he doesn’t know who or what to believe anymore.  I would love to see Elgadi in bigger films and get more recognition.

This is a smartly made film.  They knew to keep the location in one contained area (a secret US black site somewhere), the scenario is simple (protect the prisoner), they plotted out the action and non-action scenes well so there would be proper breaks, good people were hired to pull this shit off and there’s a clever twist towards the end.  It’s just so impressive what these guys were able to accomplish on a tiny ass budget (compared to a major Hollywood flick).

You do have to accept certain views the movie throws at you however.  There’s an acknowledgment that these black sites are, maybe not good, but at least necessary.  The title has a double meaning beyond the technical standpoint that this target prisoner is our one shot at preventing a possible imminent terrorist attack on DC.  If he dies potentially hundreds or thousands of innocent people will as well.  Even though the movie makes an argument against torturing people for information the water gets muddied when whoops!  That’s a spoiler.  Look, I’d be lying if I said this ruined the film for me.  The rest of what’s presented is so enjoyable that I was able to compartmentalize this stuff.

So while I wouldn’t say this is the best action picture of the last however many years it’s a helluva good one.  And I don’t normally go for technical gimmickry or heavy military set pieces like this so that’s saying something.  There’s a ferocity to the experience that’s undeniably gripping.  I haven’t even mentioned the scene where the main villain summons one of his foot soldiers over and they both seem to know what’s up but we don’t yet.  They take a walk together in silence with some other members joining until finally someone pulls out a suicide vest.  They form a circle and do a ritual chant before continuing to walk towards their intended target.  The bomber is visibly upset and can barely hold it together but is also determined because he knows what he has to do and jeezy creezy.  Such an intense fucking scene.

Definitely not for everyone.  But if it sounds like it’s in your wheelhouse take the plunge, it’s exhilarating.

Strays

Recently I checked out Vin Diesel’s (A Man Apart) short, Multi-Facial, that he made back in the mid 90’s that he wrote, directed, produced AND starred in.  It’s a clever concept about an actor going on auditions in NYC but due to his ambiguous ethnicity he keeps getting rejected for not being quite right for any role (Diesel himself has said he’s unsure of his own heritage, partially stemming from never knowing his biological father).  Anyway, a good effort that shows promising acting and storytelling chops.  You should check it out.

What I do not recommend though is his follow up feature length debut Strays which came out a couple of years after.  Diesel takes on the same responsibilities of writing, directing, etc.  It’s the only time he’s done that on this scale (as of this Talkin’) so it’s his baby.  The story focuses on weed dealer Rick (Diesel) hangin’ in NYC going out to bars every night, boozin’, gettin’ high and havin’ tons of casual sex.  But he’s tired of this lifestyle and wants a real meaningful relationship.  One day he catches a glimpse of his neighbor down the street and decides to pursue her.  She’s a classy mild mannered mid-westerner (i.e. the opposite of who Rick normally sees) named Heather (Suzanne Lanza (The Night We Never Met)).  How will it go?

Well on their first meeting (like probably minutes in) Rick tells her to close her eyes and he starts to sing:

When a man's an empty kettle
He should be on his mettle
And yet I'm torn apart
Just because I'm presumin'
That I could be kind of human
If I only had a heart

Yea, fucking “If I Only Had a Heart” from The Wizard of Oz.  And he sings THE ENTIRE GODDAMN SONG!  He’s also gently caressing her hair during this by the way.  Heather goofily smiles at the conclusion and then Rick continues with their conversation as if that shit didn’t just happen (later Heather tells her friend it was wonderful *gag*).  This is one of the most awkward fucking things I’ve ever seen in a movie and I’m really not kidding.  It was a huge roll of the dice if that scene would work but holy shit, that sucker crashed and burned and took out several dozen innocent bystanders in the process.  I can’t stress enough how Weird this part is.  And of course Diesel and Lanza have no chemistry whatsoever adding yet another layer to this shit sandwich.

The movie has lots of problems but no other moment fails as hard as tough guy/baller/stud/drug dealer/hot headed Rick softly crooning a tune from The Wizard of Oz on the street to the girl he likes a lot.  Rick must’ve had this “ace” in his back pocket ready to go completely confident in its undeniable dazzling charm because otherwise I have no explanation for it.  And naturally this move does end up wooing the lady because hey, it’s Vin Diesel’s movie.

Interestingly when Rick and Heather have more of a real date the next night (dinner, etc.) they’re walking down the street and these two guys pass by and Rick thinks they’re giving his lady the eye so he starts in with them.  He turns on the macho bullshit promptly dishing out insults and dropping N bombs.  Heather is disgusted and immediately ditches his ass on the street corner.  Good for her.  Now, they eventually reconcile but in another scene later on she overhears Rick threatening to beat up a dude who owes him money.  Once again, Heather bolts instantly because this is a scary side to Rick that she doesn’t know how to deal with or want to tolerate.  So Diesel knew the right way to play out those scenes.  Too bad he didn’t have such good sense with the rest of the film.

Texas Chainsaw Massacre (2022)

Essentially the filmmakers said “people really liked the 2018 Halloween, let’s do that”.  And they’re shameless about it.  This one is a direct sequel to the 1974 film ignoring everything else, it’s set in modern day, features the original (now older) Leatherface, they bring back sole survivor Sally (although played by Olwen Fouere (Mandy) as Marilyn Burns had died a few years before production began) who’s turned into a take-no-shit hard boiled badass who’s been waiting for the day when Leatherface would resurface so she can have a winner-take-all showdown, the title is (frustratingly) almost precisely the same as the movie it’s a sequel to and you get the idea.

The setup is mostly routine except with an odd angle.  A group of young people buy an entire deserted town in the middle of nowhere Texas and plan to auction the majority of it off to investors to turn the place into a thriving cutesy hipster community, I think?  These folks look like they’re in their early 20’s making me wonder where the hell they got the money for this.  They appear to be chefs with a social media presence and they drive a fancy ass Tesla so I guess that equals big bucks.  Whatever, it doesn’t really matter.  Leatherface lives in the run down orphanage off of the main drag being taken care of by an old lady acting as his guardian (I don’t think she’s supposed to be his mother but I could be wrong).  The spry entrepreneurs confront the woman (whos’ sickly and on oxygen) about how she’s not supposed to be there, she has a heart attack, Leatherface goes apeshit and slaughters everyone.  Typical stuff, victims trapped in an isolated spot with no help on the way.  However, you must overlook that the movie very clearly establishes there’s an internet connection for the entire duration yet no one takes advantage of it to call in the cavalry.  Thanks.

Ok, so it’s primarily Leatherface going around gutting people like there’s no tomorrow.  Naturally the gore is amped way the fuck up making just about every kill damn brutal.  A good handful are particularly vicious that involve either head smashing, complete chain sawing in half with internal organs spilling out, decapitation and so forth.  This isn’t exactly my cup of tea with how much they show but they were successful in creating some startling moments that curled my face.  Mission accomplished guys.

Easily the best sequence is when Leatherface boards a bus full of young smug investors.  They have no place to escape so Leatherface has no problem mowing through the crowd.  There are so many targets he’ll chop off a limb and toss it aside or maim someone and let them bleed out ‘cause he doesn’t have time to finish.  It’s a frenzy.  I can’t recall seeing this specific idea done before and it’s great and simple and would be truly terrifying if you ran into that in real life.

When Leatherface initially steps on the bus everyone whips out their phone and starts taking video and live streaming not knowing who they’re dealing with.  One asshole threatens to cancel him if he gets any closer and this type of social commentary is something the film leans into hard.  Towards the beginning our main group of victims meet a local Texan who was hired to help fix up the town for the auction and there’s friction immediately.  They criticize him for openly carrying a handgun, pumping thick black exhaust from his truck and they act generally antagonistic towards one another.  Plus there’s an entire scene involving removing a confederate flag hanging on a building, a run in with local cops who are suspicious of the kids because they’re young, from out of town and one of them is black and you get the idea.  Look, I know everyone loved Get Out but that was constructed from the ground up to address racism and other social issues.  This ain’t that.  This is technically sequel number eight in a horror franchise with statements shoehorned in desperately trying to connect to today’s youth.  I’m not saying you can’t do this successfully in a Texas Chainsaw but from what I gather this sloppy shoving of topical shit in your face has turned a lot of fans off (including myself).  The filmmakers needed to put in a good deal more thought than they did here.

Now the movie isn’t all bad.  They got Leatherface right which is important.  Yes he’s a treacherous beast but he also has tender moments like when his…caretaker (?)…is dying and he rides with her in the police van cradling her in his arms.  He loves her and is a wreck over what’s happening.  Later he goes back to the orphanage, finds her dress in the closet and hugs and smells it as a way to remember and connect.  This is what sets Leatherface apart from Michael Myers, Jason Voorhees and Freddy Krueger.  They don’t have the capacity to be nearly as emotionally open and actually weep and mourn in a way we can relate to (as opposed to stealing your deceased mother’s tombstone or corpse to create a makeshift alter).

And hey, the picture delivers on people getting massacred via chainsaw.  That happens like kind of a lot so I gotta hand it to ‘em.  In the ’74 and ’03 Chainsaws only one poor bastard gets taken down by that method.  Hell, TCM: The Next Generation possesses none such deaths!

Most of the rest of the film I’m not that into.  Leatherface’s skin mask is too droopy (almost melted in appearance), the little story that’s here isn’t very good, the characters aren’t interesting, the acting isn’t anything special except for Mark Burnham (Lowlife) who plays Leatherface and Alice Krige (Gretel & Hansel) who plays his keeper, it’s a touch extreme on the gore and the social statements are unwelcome.  There’s plenty of flat out stupid shit too like the fact that Leatherface must be in his 70’s at this point and can still run around like a vibrant youngster and take many blows without losing a step.  His chainsaw was bricked up behind a wall in the orphanage for some reason and it works fine after sitting for like fifty years.  Sally has the opportunity to blast Leatherface dead at point blank range but decides not to because she’s hurt he doesn’t remember her.  And you get the idea.

In the end it’s just another tired sequel to add to the fire.  I’ll admit I like it more after sitting with it for a few days to ponder over.  But still, the same beats are followed more or less with the surprising change of having Leatherface go solo this time around and ditching the other insane family members.  They tried that before with Texas Chainsaw 3D and it simply doesn’t work as well.  With the small number of positives I wanna say it’s better than Leatherface but I can’t be sure about the other installments.  Nothing’s gonna beat TCM 2 which truly is a worthy successor to the original and only gets better with each viewing.  And despite not being officially labeled as a TCM sequel I’ll give a shoutout to Butcher Boys for displaying the same spirited chaotic attitude.

Mish Mash 26 (All the Right Moves, Attica, Miracle Mile, Say Anything)

All the Right Moves

High school and football, a classic combo.  The thing that sets this one apart is the gray area that each character winds up in.  Tom Cruise (Legend) isn’t the star of the team but he’s first string and is devoted to putting in the hard work to win.  When his squad suffers a particularly devastating loss the coach (Craig T. Nelson (Action Jackson)) brutally berates one of his players prompting Cruise to step in and defend his teammate while also hurling some insults.  The coach immediately kicks Cruise off the team.  Oh shit!  Now he can’t get a football scholarship and go to college.  He’s doomed to spend the rest of his life in a small western PA mill town.

The movie doesn’t hold your hand (for the most part) in telling you who’s right and who’s wrong or what degrees may exist in between.  You can understand the justifications for each character’s actions but at the same time you can also see how they might not be totally right either.  Cruise sticks up for his teammate but maybe he takes it too far by calling the coach out on his bullshit and dumping trash on his lawn.  And even though the coach may have been too hard on his players after such a crushing defeat he can’t have his guys run roughshod over him.  However, what the coach fails to realize is he’s holding the future of some teenagers in his hands.  They’re kids that he knows and works with every day yet respect and honor are real things that can’t be ignored when shit gets real emotional.  I dunno, maybe I took this thing deeper than the film intended.

Unfortunately in the end the film does pick a side instead of leaving it up to you to decide where these folks land on your moral compass.  But for ninety five percent of it there’s plenty to think about here and I appreciate that.

 

Attica

The prison riot at Attica I think is one of those things most people know of but don’t really know much about.  This excellent documentary goes through the conditions the prisoners were rebelling against, the mindset of all people involved including, crucially, the families of the hostages, the tense, negotiations and the horrible ending to the whole fiasco.

It was a heartbreaking incident that never should’ve happened because the prisoners shouldn’t have been treated so horribly to begin with.  All freedoms have already been taken away from them for whatever crime they committed so why subject them to further torture through beatings, detestable food, overuse of solitary confinement, etc.

It’s an illuminating film that’s edited very well.  They make sure to highlight that while the inmates’ grievances were legitimate they were also hurting others to get their point across so there’s some balance there.  It’s a heavy watch but I would definitely recommend this one.

 

Miracle Mile

Is cute a weird word to describe a nuclear holocaust movie?  I mean it’s unnerving at times, especially towards the end with people panicking and LA going to shit, but the protagonist we follow through the ordeal is kinda silly.  Harry (Anthony Edwards (Pet Sematary II)) is a self described Glenn Miller impersonator who wears the same round glasses, a bright blue suit and plays the trombone.  One night he picks up a ringing payphone with the person on the other end screaming that the nukes were set off before gunshots blast away and a different voice picks up eerily telling him to “go back to sleep”.  Harry believes what he heard and tells the first people he sees.  This snowballs with word spreading like a virus causing the entire goddamn world to lose its mind.

While the characters are likeable enough it’s the fever dream approach that makes the movie in my opinion.  The whole time you don’t know if Tinseltown will actually be obliterated momentarily or if it’s all mass hysteria and that filters everything you see.  Maybe the madness is over nothing.  But what if it isn’t?

Once Harry receives the call the rest of the film takes place in real time more of less with a greater number of folks thinking they only have under an hour left to live.  Crazy situations ensue, special bonds are formed and felonies are definitely committed.  Harry’s sole mission is to get out of the city with the woman he fell in love with the day before (Mare Winningham (Tuner & Hooch)) and his devotion is touching (even though it drives him to make questionable decisions).

 

Say Anything

What the fuck is up with the bizarro B plot involving an IRS investigation?  There were certain things I expected out of this picture and half the movie delivered on exactly that.  Teen romance?  Yes.  Dramedy?  Yes.  Tensions between parent and child over who they’re dating?  Yes.  80’s as hell?  Oh yes.  All that stuff is handled well enough with plenty of poignant and funny moments to go around.  The leads are actually pretty damn affable too making most of the film enjoyable to watch.

But then the IRS come knocking creating a ridiculous distraction that pops up every now and again.  It’s not that the girlfriend’s father (John Mahoney (Tin Men)) didn’t pay his taxes, it’s that they think he’s committing major fraud.  This is serious man.  He’s weathering a huge shitstorm while his daughter and her goofy fuckin’ boyfriend figure out their lives and carry on an adorable relationship post high school.

"You're under criminal investigation
for the tax years 1982-1986"

Even the most famous part where John Cusack (Love & Mercy) holds a boom box over his head pumping “In Your Eyes” by Peter Gabriel doesn’t go down like I thought it would.  All these years I was led to believe that he’s outside his ex-girlfriend’s (Ione Skye (River’s Edge)) window yearning for her to notice him and give him another chance.  But that’s not what happens in the movie at all.  Instead he’s in a park playing the music for no one nowhere near his ex who’s tossing and turning in bed.  I don’t really get why this scene became so ingrained in pop culture then.  The situation is a lot sadder and depressing than how I think everyone remembers it.

Weird fuckin’ film guys.

Toy Story 3 & 4 Thoughts

Ok, so I ended up moving which is why there hasn’t been a lot going on around here lately.  And after I got settled I wanted something comforting.  Like hanging out with an old friend.  A friend in me?  That doesn’t make sense.  Anyway, newly acquired access to Disney+ opened up a fresh array of movies to exploit.  Right away family movie juggernaut Toy Story was staring me in the face so it got the call.  Unexpectedly however, this put me on a path to rewatching the whole series and checking out number 4 for the first time.  Surprisingly the journey was an enlightening one.

You may have read the title to this piece so let’s quickly get some business out of the way from the top.  The first film is damn near perfect.  I absolutely love it and can’t imagine I have a helluva lot to contribute to the conversation at this point.  The second is still great with an insanely tight script but it doesn’t have quite the same magic as its predecessor.  There’s actually a lot to breakdown there but I’d rather touch on the later sequels for reasons that will soon become apparent.

Number 3 is basically a prison break movie where Woody (Tom Hanks (Turner and Hooch)) must bust out his pals from a daycare center run by a tyrannical strawberry scented bear named Lotso (Ned Beatty (The Big Easy)).  This asshole sacrifices newcomers and toys he simply doesn’t like to the rowdy group of toddlers who deface, beat and mangle anything they get their hands on.  Lotso sets himself up, along with his friends, to be played with the gentler kids.  Your choices are fall in with A No. 1 or take your own chances with the beast babies.

Even though the film isn’t that haha funny, it’s strange funny.  There’s edge to it.  Like they depict the bad guy toys gambling and talking shit about the other toys.  Not to mention the very idea of having your family movie take place in a prison (daycare) is a touch odd.  But perhaps the most shocking part is when Buzz Lightyear (Tim Allen (Redbelt)) gets tortured.  They eventually push his reset button so he reverts back to thinking he’s a real space ranger and they recruit him as their bodyguard.  Think about that for a minute.  This goddamn film implies that Buzz gets fucked up so badly that either he has a break from reality and can’t remember who he really is or they brainwashed him and now he’s a villain.  That’s kinda dark man.

And then part 4 has a horror vibe to it at times as well as a philosophical one.  This fuckin’ movie examines the very definition of a toy and creation and consciousness.  It’s completely bizarre.  The little girl who now owns Woody and co (although they’re careful to not use the word “own” I’m sure because of the connotations to slavery) creates a figure using a spork for the body, a pipe cleaner for arms, a popsicle stick cut in half for feet and googly eyes for, well, eyes.  And it comes to life, like frickin’ Frankenstein’s monster!  And it’s the same deal where Forky (Tony Hale (Being the Ricardos)), as he’s named, is all fucked up and doesn’t know who he is, where he is or what the hey is going on.  He thinks he’s trash and constantly tries to jump back in the garbage can.  The first film delved into this territory a little with Sid mixing and matching different toy parts but part 4 takes it to another level.  How do you distinguish what is and what isn’t a toy?  If you slap eyes on anything does it miraculously bring a conscious toy into being?  Where’s the line?  This is some heavy shit to explore.

Later a large chunk of the picture takes place in an antique store where an old doll from the 50’s and her ventriloquist dummy goons fill in as the villains.  The dummies move like zombies with their arms sorta lifeless and their legs wobbly and their mouths always agape.  These things are legitimately creepy (which they fully acknowledge in the movie by the way).  And the doll’s evil plan is to rip Woody’s voice box out so she can replace her own broken one.  So part 4 is by far the weirdest of the bunch.

Stepping back for a moment though it’s fascinating to see the progression of the series.  One of the most noticeable aspects is the animation.  While the first installment still looks fantastic there are certain things that stick out like the backgrounds have little detail or are silhouettes.  The animators knew to focus their attention and the limited power of their computers towards the characters, what’s happening in the foreground, crafting a story that stayed within their means and carefully picking shots that would have the most impact without frying their equipment.  Talk about impressive.  And now the technology has come amazingly far since 1995.  Like parts of 4 look a hundred percent photorealistic, the camerawork is more confident and you can tell the filmmakers aren’t worried about what’s possible, freeing them up to concentrate on the story and the characters and if a used spork with a crooked clay mouth constitutes a toy and all that kinda shit.

Toy Story 1, essentially a blank background

Toy Story 4, now they have the ability to fill in all the detail

Here are some other noteworthy items.  An amusing recurring theme throughout is the films acknowledge there are definitely a lot of nasty ass kids out there like Sid, the girl at the airport at the end of 2, the toddlers from 3, the kindergarteners from 4, etc.  Yea, a handful are depicted as precious and wonderful but there are also a ton that are straight up dicks.

Buzz seemed to be a bit of a problem for the filmmakers in the sequels because they kept wanting to turn him back into the old Buzz from part 1 where he doesn’t realize he’s a toy.  They did this in 2 and 3 and the twist in part 4 is they simply make him extra dumb.  Bo Peep (Annie Potts (Designing Women)) is the one who ends up kicking all the ass while Buzz is just sorta there to meekly help out.  He’s supposed to be equal to Woody in terms of stature but in reality he’s a total side character who plays a much smaller role in all the sequels.

Woody is a good guy ‘n all but his antics of trying to save every troubled toy he comes across gets extremely tiring.  I know his heart is in the right place (well, if he had a heart) but he seriously needs to learn to let some shit go.  Probably a majority of the sticky situations these characters get in is due to Woody having an uncontrollable impulse to rescue and find a home for all toys.

During this Toy Story deluge I opted to watch the two TV specials that came out in 2013 and 2014 (which were clearly abandoned ideas for a fourth film) and one of them, Toy Story That Time Forgot, highlights the fact that all toys in this universe don’t realize they’re toys at first.  They think they’re the real thing they’re supposed to represent, a space ranger, a battle dinosaur, a stuntman, etc.  So I guess all toys need to be educated on what they truly are at some point.

The toys don’t need any sustenance.  Food and water isn’t necessary for their survival so presumably as long as they’re taken care of they’ll live forever.

They can feel pain sometimes, maybe.  During fights the toys act like they’re experiencing pain but if an arm gets ripped off sometimes they don’t react at all.

This hurts

This doesn't

This leads me to the issue I had the hardest time wrapping my head around (and the question most folks have been asking since the mid 90’s).  Why are some toys alive and others aren’t?  This question popped into my head over and over.  Why aren’t board games sentient?  Wood blocks?  Hell, the remote control car from part 1 is alive but the one in part 4 isn’t?  A chair with eyes is living but a toy truck that Woody randomly comes across isn’t?  Bouncing balls aren’t alive but friggin’ hockey pucks are?!  Of course the answer is: whatever the fuck the filmmakers felt like doing or needed for a particular scene.  That doesn’t make this conundrum any less frustrating though.

Plus batteries may or may not be vital for certain toys to function, individual pieces of a toy can detach and work independently of the main body, Woody’s voice box is removed but he can still talk normally and AHHHH MY BRAIN IS GOING TO EXPLODE!

Ironically that’s the elephant in the room with these movies.  They’re delightful to watch as long as you don’t think about the concept for more than half a second.  In most other instances this would almost certainly be an automatic disqualifier.  Yet the people behind the franchise found the fine line that made sense to everyone and, friends, they walk the shit out of it.  Again, ridiculously impressive with how they knew what would work and what wouldn’t.

Do I recommend these pictures?  Fuck yea.  I mean part 4 pushes it too far in my opinion though.  They wrapped up the saga very nicely with number 3 where everything fit neatly into a touching send off.  Without going into spoilers all I’ll say is I cannot overstate how much I disagree with the ending of the fourth one.  It feels entirely wrong.  They got greedy and fucked up.  Aside from that this is a worthwhile set to revisit or visit for the first time.  There are technical reasons and there are storytelling/bonkers plot reasons.  There’s something for everyone.  I can’t say for sure they’ll take you to infinity and wherever but as long as you loosen your mind they’re real fun.

Alright everyone, it was a messy year and I don’t doubt the next one will be any less head scratching.  But keep on truckin’.  See you on the other side.

Harefooted Halloween: Cursed

What I Liked: They went for a human sized wolf that stands on its hind legs which is probably my favorite type of design when it comes to these creatures.  When you can get a decent glimpse the elongated snout and teeth and muscular body are menacing features.  Even though this guy passed through many different effects artists (I’ll explain soon) the final product turned out surprisingly good.

When there are practical werewolf effects they’re kinda cool looking.  I mean when it’s a guy in a suit (Derek Mears (Friday the 13^th (2009))) maybe it’s a little too obvious and cheesy (although that could’ve been how they decided to shoot and edit) but to have someone in the room for real goes a long way and is very charming.

It’s really all about the second half of the film.  Once we have a better idea of what’s happening things start to get a lot more fun.  The protagonists are discovering their newly acquired powers, villain motivation garners a neat twist, the fight scenes are energetic and choreographed alright and some characters become less annoying to the point of fully redeeming themselves.

*Mild spoiler on this last point* I really appreciate that the finale doesn’t involve a bunch of full on werewolves battling each other but rather humans with some super power werewolf abilities.  This is a clever way for the audience to follow the action.  Otherwise it would be furry animals bouncing all over the room and we wouldn’t be able to tell who the fuck is who.

What I Didn’t Like: In order to get to the more enjoyable second half you unfortunately have to sit through an abysmal first half.  There’s uninteresting characters, internet sleuthing, a bad dream sequence, a strained romance and stupid high school bullying leftover from the 80’s.  Everyone is either bland or annoying.  Our leads Ellie (Christina Ricci (The Smurfs 2)) and Jimmy (Jesse Eisenberg (The Squid and the Whale)) exhibit both those qualities.  They’re brother and sister living in a house in LA by themselves which isn’t explained, they have no chemistry, everyone’s kidna mean to both of them, Eisenberg’s fast talking schtick is grating, Ricci looks checked out and it’s just terrible.

Most of the CGI doesn’t look so great.  It’s mainly the transformation scenes that are the ugliest with the body and face distorting in cartoony ways.  When it’s the werewolf running around it blends shockingly well with the practical effects but not well enough to totally shed the plastic shiny ragdoll appearance.

In some spots the editing is ridiculously coked up and absolutely horrendous.  I think the editing is too fast paced in general here but in three or four spots it goes off the fucking rails into Saw territory.  Boy, that mid 2000’s style hasn’t come around to being nearly as funny as I want it to be yet.  How much longer do I have to wait?

This is such a fucking dated movie.  Ellie works for Craig Kilborn’s late night talk show, Scott Baio (Zapped!) has an oddly large role as himself, there’s an angsty nu metal-esque soundtrack, Jimmy goes emo when he becomes a werewolf by straightening his hair and letting it hang in front of his face, primitive (by today’s standards) internet websites, there’s a bunch of gay jokes and the aforementioned CGI.

Overall Impressions: Ok so here’s the deal, this picture went through the fucking wringer with the original script being almost completely shot before the Weinstein’s at Dimension and Miramax decided none of it was any good.  So after several rewrites, three rounds of reshoots, a bump down in rating from R to PG-13 and various characters being dropped (whose scenes were already filmed) what should’ve been a couple of month process took two and a half goddamn years!  What may have been the biggest crime is the legendary Rick Baker did the original effects but none of them wound up in the film.  After that another illustrious effects house, KNB, were brought on to the project but apparently most of their practical shit also got cut from the movie and was replaced by CGI.  Jeez Louise.

So that explains why this thing definitely feels like a mess.  But it’s not all bad which is the curious part.  You can see flashes of cool ideas, entertaining moments and yes, bits of badass effects.  Stuff like starting the third act earlier than normal and not letting up until the end credits helps.  But it in no way erases the awful crap you have to sit through before that.

I don’t know if I can recommend this one.  It’s Wes Craven’s werewolf picture so of course it has to be seen if you’re a big horror fan.  If you’re looking for a study on a train wreck of a film this wouldn’t satisfy though.  It was essentially entirely remade so there isn’t much figuring out how the filmmakers tried to glue the old and new fragments together to form a Frankenstein concoction.  So the piece ends up in a real messed up strange area.  Everyone got screwed on this job, Wes Craven, writer Kevin Williamson (Scream, I Know What You Did Last Summer, The Faculty), the actors who got cut (Skeet Ulrich, Mandy Moore, John C McGinley), the effects work that didn’t get shown off, my ears and eyes for some questionable soundtrack and editing choices, etc.  But you know, fuck me.  It was right there in the title.  The movie truly is cursed.

Harefooted Halloween: Halloween Kills

What I Liked: Michael Myers takes on a group of people twice which is something I don’t think we’ve seen before, at least not like this.  In Halloween 4 he fights a mob of vigilantes while racing down the road in their truck and then gets shot by them shortly after.  But here Michael goes up against several opponents simultaneously on the ground in the open like in an action movie.  While this is a fun novelty thing to do the character definitely works better as a menacing figure when he engages in one on one or even two on one combat.

Michael looks and moves pretty well.  The singed mask from the fire at the end of the previous film (and beginning of this one) adds a cool bit of weathering to remind you he’s been through some shit.  James Jude Courtney (Soccer Dog: The Movie) gives a slightly stiffer performance than last time from what I can remember but he can still lunge and quickly dispatch anyone standing in his way.  Although at points they may have pushed it a touch too far (we’ll dive into this a little later).

John Carpenter, his son Cody and frequent collaborator Daniel Davies (Dave Davies’ son and Carpenter’s godson!) return for another solid soundtrack.  Maybe the choral additions to the main theme aren’t the best but the rest of it is good heart pumping atmospheric tunes.

There are more nods to the previous pictures for fans to pick out.  Michael hops on top of a car and smashes a window with his hand from the original, eating candy embedded with a razor blade from II, the Silver Shamrock masks from III, the raging mob from 4, skewering someone with a pitchfork through the back from 5, and I’m sure there are others.  Oh and is the baseball bat that grown up Tommy Doyle (Anthony Michael Hall (Edward Scissorhands)) picks up from the local bar to use against Michael a reference to Silver Bullet?

What I Didn’t Like: They had no idea what to do for this movie.  It follows the tradition of the ’81 and 2009 Halloween II in that we pick up right where the last film left off on Halloween night and there’s a lot of hospital stuff.  But it’s simply Michael continuing to kill people.  We don’t know why and there isn’t a driving force to anything.

A whole bunch of times someone tries to shoot Michael with a gun and except for one instance it never goes well.  Either they miss, are out of bullets or Michael is so fast he swats the gun away at the last possible second.  It’s so noticeable because of how often it happens, like to the point where it becomes comical.  The filmmakers seem to want to emphasize that Michael is lightning quick in this one but really it’s slick editing and people being terrible shots.

The narration at the end is cheesy and unnecessary.  It’s about how Michael isn’t human but made up of pure evil which we know.  We’ve known that since 1978, Loomis told us.  That’s just ham fisted filmmaking.  And there’s another example of this earlier in the picture when a good chunk of the town has been whipped into a frenzy because not a single person has been able to stop Michael so naturally they’re frustrated and extremely pissed off.  They chase after a completely different escaped mental patient and want to kill him because they erroneously think he’s the killer.  Then some character has the out loud realization that Michael has turned the good citizens of Haddonfield into monsters.  Yea, we can see that.  Thanks for knocking us over the noggin.

Jump scares galore and they can all go fuck themselves.  I will be eternally hopeful that one day we will move past this bullshit as a society but today is not that day.

None of the humor lands.

Overall Impressions: I wasn’t the biggest fan of the 2018 Halloween but it had a few neat ideas like Laurie (Jamie Lee Curtis (Beverly Hills Chihuahua)) becoming a paranoid survivalist who’s convinced Michael will return one day and attack her and there were some impressive showcases of Michael dispatching his victims (the one long tracking shot following him through different houses, the flood light in the yard turning on and off so you never know where he’ll pop up next, etc).  This installment has almost nothing to cling onto and keep you engaged.  The only scene I really dig is Michael vs a team of firefighters during an actual fire.  The concept is weird enough and executed well enough that it made for some entertaining imagery.

Even with all of that said my main issue might be that there’s a mean spiritedness to this film that I don’t care for.  A lot of innocent people die and in horrifically grisly ways and it’s like why?  I mean one poor bastard gets his head pounded against a wall and three or four knives stuck in his back.  And he wasn’t setup as an asshole or gave us any reason to dislike him.  If the filmmakers were trying to remind us that Michael is the devil and to not root for him they went about it the wrong way.  Good guy characters need to be built up so we have a connection with them and then you can kill them off for an emotional gut punch.  But to murder too many random folks who are just minding their own business is a fundamental misunderstanding of storytelling in my opinion.

Additionally, massive crowds of folks blinded by fury attacking an innocent mentally ill person isn’t the most enjoyable aspect either.  There are so many people they take over practically the entire hospital.  This and having Tommy Doyle recruit townsfolk all over Haddonfield to hunt down Michael feels sorta out of place.  In Halloween 4 it was a handful of guys but here it’s like half the damn town.  It bogs down the movie and leaves you with very few characters to get behind.

On top of this there are technical problems that don’t add up like characters inexplicably teleporting in scenes or Michael putting on music after posing the victims’ bodies which seems amazingly out of character.  All this shit is annoying but also incredibly tedious so I’ll just leave it at that.

Oh man, the more I think about it the worse this movie gets.  It’s very violent and not really in a fun way.  And while it initially may have seemed awesome that they’re doing two sequels back to back they don’t appear to have a roadmap on where they’re going.  What the hell is the next one gonna be like?