Harefooted Halloween: I Still Know What You Did Last Summer

What I liked: The one sorta positive thing I can say about this piece is it does what any horror sequel should do, in some areas anyway.  They up the body count, crank the blood, dish out the sexiness, drug use is introduced and the setups are slightly more elaborate.  They also bring in new lead characters which would make sense since almost all of them died in the previous film.  Additionally, the backstory and lore is expanded on.  I mean it’s done in the laziest way possible but it’s here.

What I Didn’t Like: Jesus frick the villain’s plan is insanely elaborate.  I gotta go into spoilers for this so skip to the next section if you wanna be surprised by the bullshit.  *Spoilers* Turns out ol’ Ben Willis survived having his hand ripped off and chucked into the ocean at the end of the last film.  He and his son, Will Benson (get it?  Ben’s son?), hatch a scheme to finish the revenge plot by taking out Julie (Jennifer Love Hewitt (The Tuxedo)) and Ray (Freddie Prinze Jr. (Summer Catch)), and boy oh boy you’re gonna love what they cooked up.  All Will has to do is get into Boston University, take the same classes as Julie and over the course of a year befriend her, gain her trust and hit on her pretty hard to show romantic interest.  Then behind the scenes orchestrate a fake radio contest where Julie and her friends win an all expenses paid vacation to the Bahamas.  Will and Ben want to bait their prey to a specific location that’s eventually revealed to have special significance (didn’t seem to matter the last time Ben went on a slaughter spree but whatever).  Now naturally Julie wants Ray to come along but he declines due to commitment issues.  Luckily Julie’s roommate, Karla (Brandy (Moesha)), invites Will along in Ray’s place (against Julie’s wishes by the way).  The hotel where they stay is located on a remote island only accessible by boat and the day they arrive is the last day of their regular season.  The next day, July 4^th, starts their off season which coincides with hurricane season and wouldn’t you know it, a storm is rolling in right on time.  All other guests staying at the resort flee the island leaving our four leads and five or six hotel staff.  Ben and Will knew this would happen so they could murder Julie and Ray in private.  Except Ray isn’t there.  Well, he feels bad about breaking Julie’s heart so he decides to surprise her and show up anyway (he plans on proposing).  Ben intervenes en route and attempts to kill Ray but he escapes and continues to make his way to the Bahamas.  At the hotel Will and/or Ben dispatch the remaining staff (can’t leave witnesses) and then work on the kids.  Boom, revenge achieved.  Simple, right?  Wrong!  What the fuck is the matter with these assholes?!  Listen, Ben’s goal is to kill Julie and Ray, he can do that anytime anywhere.  The hoax radio contest, the luring of the victims to a faraway isolated hotel (the connection is Ben worked there in the past and murdered his wife in the honeymoon suite), the needless killing of the entire resort staff and Julie’s friends (some are setup to be kinda jerky but they’re all still innocent people), the timing of the events to occur on July 4^th (the date when Ben was run over in the previous film), it’s all completely unnecessary.  The only part I can see working is Will sneaking his way into Julie’s inner circle only to turn on her but he makes the task way harder on himself than he needs to.  Man these two dickheads needed to pause for a sec and reevaluate their whole murder plot.  In this case less definitely would’ve been more.

Overall Impressions: I think they were going for a The Shining vibe with our protagonists trapped in a minimally staffed hotel cut off from the rest of the world.  The place has a dark history of homicide that took place in Room 2XX and someone from the outside attempts to travel to the island to save the day (Ray).  Julie even wields an ax towards the end.  It’s winked at pretty damn hard and I don’t think that did it any favors.

In my opinion this is, uh, not a good movie.  Everything about it is irritating and none of it makes a lick of sense.  It’s not the worst time when you’re in it but even taking a half step back you quickly realize this is a dumb fuckin’ picture.  And I’m not the first to point this out but the title alone is nonsensical.  This takes place a year after the events of the first film which means they plowed into Ben Willis with their Beemer two summers ago, not last summer.

Harefooted Halloween: I Know What You Did Last Summer

What I Liked: At times this can be a nice looking movie.  It opens with a majestic helicopter shot of the North Carolina coast (really California) at sunset with waves crashing against the rocks and a showcase of the winding hilly road that will play a pivotal role later.  The camera eventually sweeps all the way around to show someone sitting on the edge of a cliff who will also play a critical role.  Good ominous vibe to get us going.  Cinematographer Denis Crossan (The Real McCoy, Incognito) includes neat shots like these every so often.  However, the night scenes in particular are very dark and it can be difficult to make out what you’re looking at.

Our killer is a dude decked out in a black fisherman’s slicker, big floppy hat, boots and he wields a handheld hook.  You can’t see his face because the collar of the coat and the wide brim of the hat nearly cover him up completely.  I always thought this was a creepy image.  Almost like a take on the grim reaper or an executioner.  Most slashers favor some sort of mask to hide the identity of the perpetrator but here he’s simply faceless and there’s something unsettling about that.  It’s not the first time a hook has been used as a weapon in horror with Candyman being released only five years prior, and you could throw in general pirate plundering imagery, but it effectively stands out here.  And I appreciate that he employs it to dispatch all his victims as opposed to some other titans of terror like Michael Myers or Freddy Kreuger who tend to shy away from using their signature weapons at least half the time.

What I Didn’t Like: So one of the big problems I have with this picture is the setup.  Our four teenage leads accidentally run someone over with their car, panic, dump the body in the ocean and vow to never speak about the incident ever again.  A year later they start to receive letters telling them “I know what you did last summer” and the blood begins to fly.  We’re supposed to like these young adults who made a mistake and in order to avoid fucking up their futures they did what they thought they had to do.  I just have a hard time getting over this initial hump.  Sure, the hit was legitimately an accident and really only one character is a major asshole who talks the rest into covering it up.  But still, I can’t bring myself to be on their side.  I’m not saying they deserve to be stalked, tortured and murdered for what they did but they sure as hell should be brought to justice and deserve a comeuppance.  Now, factors are clumsily revealed later that try to mitigate all the bad shit these friends did (we’ll get there in the spoiler section) but again, they still committed some serious crimes and I don’t feel nearly as sorry for them as I should.

Just about every aspect of this picture is very middle of the road.  Aside from a few cool shots the acting, editing, horror setups, etc. are kinda whatever.  About halfway through a bunch of silly shit starts to get thrown at us like the killer plants a dead body crawling with crabs in the trunk of a protagonist’s car and removes it ten minutes later without a trace.  He also cuts off another person’s hair in their sleep.  It’s not clear why this is done.  To signal he can get to anyone at anytime?  Humiliation?  Mind fuck?

Overall Impressions: This is one of those movies that was huge at the time and difficult to explain why decades later.  Scream came out the year before which kicked off the 90’s slasher revival and was also written by Kevin Williamson (although he wrote I Know first (based on a book from 1973) and it shows).  There was a marketing gimmick to capitalize on this by advertising on the poster “From the creator of Scream” which led to a successful lawsuit claiming it was misleading.  Wes Craven had nothing to do with I Know.  Regardless I’m sure it worked somewhat.  Plus people were excited about slashers again and clamored for more.  Another factor is Jennifer Love Hewitt (Party of Five) and Sarah Michelle Gellar (Buffy the Vampire Slayer) as the female leads were on hit TV shows then.  The male leads Ryan Phillippe (One Shot) and Freddie Prinze Jr. (She’s All That) were less known but considered stud muffins all the same.  For a short time the film was inescapable being referenced and parodied nonstop.  For that reason it looms larger in my mind than it probably should.

I saw this when it came out, didn’t care for it then and my opinion hasn’t changed.  It’s a fairly unremarkable slasher that doesn’t offer anything truly unique or clever.  It’s teens getting attacked by a madman padded out with mostly nonsensical and forgettable shit.  With that said it’s totally watchable.  Just don’t expect much.

 

*Spoilers from here on*

Alright, this is the stuff I really wanted to get to.  While the idea of teens trying to figure out the identity of the maniac who’s slaughtering them is straightforward, this picture’s reveal has always confounded me.  We’re led to believe for the entire runtime that the person they killed with their car is a guy named David Egan.  I thought I remembered the killer being David’s father seeking vengeance but that’s wrong.  Then after this watch I attempted to piece together the flow of events, checked against Wikipedia and it turns out I was wrong again!  To shortcut this the bottom line is the kids did not run over David Egan but some other dude named Ben Willis.  He’s out for revenge for himself for not only being maimed but also because the four friends dumped his body in the water and left him for dead.  So at first this appears to be taking a different angle on a standard action revenge movie like Hard to Kill or something.  Ben Willis is simply killing those who tried to kill him.  This would’ve been an interesting approach if they saw it through.  However, that’s not what we got.

Cue the wrinkles.  One is that Ben Willis is an actual murderer who bumped off David Egan earlier that night or the day before or something like that.  David accidentally killed Ben’s daughter so Ben was pretty angry about that.  The other wrinkle is Ben was still alive after the kids ran him over and plopped him in the water so it turns out they didn’t kill anyone at all.  These two items are how the movie attempts to get you on board with what the protagonists did.  The guy they hit was a murderer and they didn’t actually kill him anyway.  All of this is explained in like one quick sentence at the finale making it very easy to miss.  Even if you catch that it’s still difficult to unravel what really happened.  Putting all that crap aside it doesn’t forgive all the other horrible crimes our protagonists still committed at the beginning: vehicular assault, leaving the scene of an accident, conspiracy to commit murder, attempted murder, tampering with evidence and who knows what else.

I mean the movie’s dumb enough if you don’t think about it but if you dig deeper it only gets worse.

The Bourne Series (Identity, Supremacy, Ultimatum, Legacy, Jason Bourne)

Let’s go back and take a condensed look at the Bourne series.  To give a brief rundown for those unfamiliar the plot follows Jason Bourne who wakes up one day on a French fishing boat with no memory of who he is.  He was found floating in the sea with gunshots in his back.  Eventually he discovers he’s a CIA operative enrolled in a secret program whose main purpose is to assassinate.  Since the guy’s situation is all fucked up now the agency deems him a threat and tries repeatedly to apprehend or kill him.  Bourne goes on the run, slowly remembers his past and uses his internalized skillset to evade and retaliate.

Based on Robert Ludlum’s novels from the 80’s they originally adapted the first installment into a TV miniseries in 1988, then in the 2000’s there were the Matt Damon pictures (plus that Jeremy Renner one), which is what we’ll be covering, and finally there was a spinoff TV show called Treadstone that ran for one season in 2019.

The Bourne Identity

Real good solid spy action thriller.  The story and mystery beats unfold very naturally where one clue or incident logically leads to the next.  They don’t take big leaps that ask too much of the audience.  With this approach it’s so easy to get caught up in the plot.  It’s remarkable how efficiently the filmmakers juggle the unraveling of Bourne’s true identity, his clandestine mission, the inner workings of the agency behind that mission and, of course, a budding romance between Bourne and the woman who helps him along the way (Franka Potente (Run Lola Run)).

Matt Damon (The Brothers Grimm) is terrific as the amnesia plagued government asset.  He balances his confusion, anger, anxiety, drive and stilted tenderness well.  It’s a tough role because he needs to be distant and deadly but also vulnerable and somewhat naïve.  Damon shows off credible action moves to boot so he ended up being a great pick.

If I have one bone to pick it’s that I’ve always found the action to be neat but slightly underwhelming.  It’s a touch choppy with some sped up camera work so it’s not as clear as I would like it to be.  With that said it’s definitely better executed than the unbearable zoomy shaky bullshit employed in the sequels.

This first one was crowned a minor classic when it came out and is probably considered a full-fledged one at this point.   While not the most amazing thing in my opinion, what it does it does well.  The suspense and tension keep ratcheting up making you want to see where the story goes next.  It’s very enjoyable and fun from start to finish.

The Sequels: Supremacy, Ultimatum, Legacy, Jason Bourne

I know it’s weird to lump all the sequels together but they all share the same issues so to prevent this from getting redundant I think it’s appropriate.

Supremacy picks up two years after the events of the first film.  Bourne is living in hiding in India with his girlfriend from Identity.  All of a sudden some Russian asshole is trying to kill them and Bourne needs to figure out why.  More globe trotting, sleuthing and action scenes ensue.  This continues on through Ultimatum which picks up right where Supremacy leaves off and then twelve years later in Jason Bourne.  Legacy is basically a side quest that takes place concurrently with Ultimatum.  It involves a separate CIA assassin in the same program as Bourne named Aaron Cross (Jeremy Renner (Hansel & Gretel: Witch Hunters)).  Due to increased public awareness of the covert op the agency decides to cover shit up by terminating anyone linked to it.  Cross proceeds to go on the run, globe trot, sleuth and action shit up.

While fairly watchable I wish I had some positive things to say about parts 2-5.  They don’t work for me on multiple levels.  For starters the sequels unfortunately don’t further the story a ton.  Plot-wise it’s simply the CIA using everything at its disposal to track down Bourne/Cross and take them out.  It’s already established in the first movie that Bourne is part of a larger assassin program with his brethren activated to take him out.  It’s also established that even within the CIA the program is supposed to be sort of a secret so there’s backstabbing and conniving from the start.  Sadly nothing more is uncovered in the sequels.

Bourne’s personal backstory isn’t expanded on very much either.  In total we find out what his actual name is down the line and one other tidbit of history (no spoilers), each with no real bearing on the plot.  Cross’ history amounts to one quick scene explaining he used to be in the military before being recruited.  So the characters don’t grow or evolve almost at all during the series.  It’s so strange that Bourne remains robotic through to the end when he should become more human and empathetic as he tries to shed his past.

Another issue with Bourne/Cross is that they’re too perfect.  Whatever they need to be able to do in any situation they can do.  They can escape any predicament, break into any building, get in contact with whoever they need, speak any language that’s required, spot bad guys no matter where they are or what they’re doing, retrieve any object they need, etc.  Every single circumstance turns out exactly how they predict essentially making them omniscient.  With every goal being easily achievable that makes things kinda boring.

And being indestructible doesn’t help.  Numerous vehicle crashes, explosions, falls from buildings, it doesn’t matter.  They walk away with a limp and a cut on the eyebrow.  Sure, this is par for action films but it becomes difficult to swallow when these characters are also immaculate in every task they set out to do.  It becomes a bridge too far.  There are no stakes then.  If we know they can’t be harmed in any meaningful way and can’t botch any maneuver they make then why should we care about how dangerous the action is?

On top of this the sequels in particular are all shot shakily and chopped to shit so it’s hard to tell what in the hell is going on.  This was a popular style from that time period and has always worked to undercut the menace instead of enhancing it in my opinion.  One last kick in the nuts on this topic is that the filmmakers don’t even get creative with the sequences.  Instead they opt to repeat gags over and over in each installment.  By the time I got to Legacy and Jason Bourne I was completely uninvested.

One more gripe (sorry, I know this is a lot of complaining), travel is yet another area that’s never a hassle.  Bourne/Cross can go anywhere they want without incident.  Their credentials are always good and no one ever recognizes them.  Immigration, customs, Interpol, CIA, no agency can catch them en route.  They always find out after the plane has landed or the train has arrived.  By the way it’s kinda crazy how much traveling these guys do if you think about.  They must spend like days and days going from one country to another.  I don’t know how they pay for any of this shit either.  After the first film money is rarely discussed so it’s a mystery how Bourne/Cross afford anything.  They have to rack up tens of thousands of dollars in travel expenses alone.  But of course there’s also food, lodgings, weapons, gadgets, bribes and other crap.

It's a bummer that the sequels don’t improve on the formula or escalate shit.  They somehow manage to be all intrigue and action scenes while simultaneously being dull.

Conclusion

I totally dig that first one.  It works as a self-contained picture that excites, delights and satisfies.  Bourne shows a greater display of humanity where you feel sorry for him and want to see him get to the bottom of who he is.  I’d go as far as to say he’s even a bit dorky and that only makes him more likeable.  The filmmakers tease the audience along at just the right pace and dole out the mystery in an approachable way.  If you haven’t seen it I definitely recommend it.

Honestly, the rest can piss off.  It’s very contrived how they get Bourne back into the game in Supremacy which then fuels the rest of his journey.  He was minding his own business half way around the world when these morons decided to kick the hornet’s nest.

I mean none of these sequels make much sense.  Supremacy and Ultimatum may have the veneer that they’re smarter and more sophisticated than they actually are but Legacy and Jason Bourne are more flat out dumb.  For example in Jason Bourne a character hacks into the CIA and steals a folder called “Black Operations” with subfolders of all their programs listed.  Incriminating and convenient all in one!

A fairly big problem I have with the Bourne sequels is the same problem I have with most other spy movies, they’re cheesy in a bad way.  For a lot of the runtime you have stiff agency folks in suits in a dramatically lit situation room with the big screen and other agents at their stations furiously typing away spitting out tech mumbo jumbo and government operational mumbo jumbo and tactical mumbo jumbo fretting over every detail while the flawless hero outwits these rubes at every turn.  It’s not that gripping or engaging.  I would say this might work better as a TV show but 24 is pretty similar (from the one season I saw anyway) and debuted the year before Identity.  Plus they did that Treadstone series which I didn’t check out.

In the end the dealbreaker for me is you can’t take yourself this fuckin’ seriously (there’s shockingly no comic relief whatsoever in any of the sequels) while also being this goddamn ridiculous.  And that combination gives them a lame edge.  Then you can pile on that they’re annoyingly uncreative, the action is too repetitive and the universe and characters aren’t really expanded on with each episode like they should. 

Look, I’ve mentioned this before but I’m not a big James Bond fan either which is sort of on the other end of the spectrum of this genre.  It’s meant to be more carefree with tons of colorful characters, innovative stunts and wild plots.  The stuff I find irritating about the franchise is Bond himself is a horrible misogynistic arrogant piece of shit, the plots as well as the villains are cartoonishly absurd and everything always turns out fine so there’s no reason to care.  Most of the installments tend to be more annoying than fun.

Spy thrillers, for the most part, just aren’t my thing.  But check out Identity.

Dogman

A real quick one for ya.  Marcello (Marcello Fonte (Pinocchio (2019))) runs a small business as a dog groomer in some coastal Podunk town in Italy but he also deals a little coke on the side.  Actually the other businessmen in the area seem kinda shady too.  Nothing is explicitly said but it’s just the way they carry themselves.  What’s nice is they all get along and enjoy one another’s company having lunch together and so forth.  Marcello looks happy.  He clearly adores taking care of the dogs, cleaning them, walking them, feeding them and calling them “sweetie”.  Plus he shares a loving young daughter with his ex-wife (who thankfully sidesteps the tired cliché of constantly breaking his balls, surprisingly she trusts him) and they get to spend time with each other going on trips.

All good, right?  Unfortunately, the one big fly in the ointment is a local thug named Simone.  He’s a large dude who constantly does blow, breaks shit, gets in fights and causes general mayhem.  Everyone in town hates him but no one knows what to do.  Simone buys his drugs from Marcello, which by itself would be more interaction than you would want, but this douchebag drags him into deeper and deeper shit because he knows he can push him around.  Whether it’s ripping off suppliers or directly threatening Marcello himself to engage in some bad shit it’s all to fuel Simone’s habit and ego.  The situation keeps escalating while the merciless bullying is endless.

Everything about this film is perfectly executed.  It’s shot wonderfully, the town and Marcello’s shop have a grimy feel, the performances are amazing, the pacing is measured, etc.  The story may be simple but Marcello is a complex character.  He’s a tiny scrawny guy who wants to fit in with his group of friends so he eats with them, plays soccer with them and my guess is he participates in these various illegal activities in order to endear himself.  There’s a part of him that likes being a low level dealer (he occasionally indulges in his own supply as well) because it makes him feel like a minor big shot (sorry for the oxymoron).  At the same time I don’t know if he would partake in any of this shit if his circle of buds were totally on the up and up.

What’s even more fascinating is Marcello’s relationship with Simone.  Similar to the drug dealing there are times when Marcello undoubtedly gets a kick out of hanging with Simone like when they go to a strip club together, do some lines, have some drinks and dance.  Maybe this guy isn’t so terrible after all?  Well, things take a turn when a drive by shooter clips Simone in the shoulder.  This was certainly done by any one of the dozens of folks he’s monumentally pissed off throughout his life.  Suddenly the party-every-day-don’t-give-a-fuck lifestyle doesn’t seem so fun anymore.  But I think Marcello wishes he could be more like Simone, have some of his confidence and braggadocio attitude.  He’s too decent of a person though to take on even a fraction of that persona.  For example he gets roped into being the getaway driver for a burglary job Simone and some other guy pull at a house.  When they mention they threw a yapping dog in the freezer to shut it up Marcello goes back to the house later to rescue it.  His conscience couldn’t bear the thought of the poor animal suffering.

This picture reminds me a lot of Nicolas Winding Refn’s work, especially the Pusher sequels.  This is a brilliant character study and wild slice of life type scenario.  The atmosphere goes from bliss to very uncomfortable in a heartbeat.  The characters have a ton of nuance without fancy dialogue or overwrought plot points.  The story is extremely straightforward yet there’s so much to dig into.  I absolutely love little films like this.

Mish Mash 28 (Flying Down to Rio, Movie Body Counts, K-9, Goodbye Hooper?)

Flying Down to Rio

This picture’s famous for showcasing the first pairing of Fred Astaire and Ginger Rogers.  They play supporting characters though and are bandmates/friends meant for comic relief.  Of course the one big number they have is a showstopper revolving around a Brazilian dance called the carioca.

Putting all that aside the real reason I’m bringing the movie up is because of the finale.  Don’t worry about spoilers, they show what happens on the damn poster.  Anyway, the whole thing involves tying a bunch of dancers to the wings of planes and having them do a choreographed routine in the sky.  They didn’t actually do this by the way.  It’s movie magic.  Unsurprisingly they look pretty awkward trying to swing their arms or kick their legs while someone off camera blows wind in their faces and jostles the fake plane around.  Some are dressed in silly looking costumes too with propellers on their heads or airplane wings jutting out of their necks.

I’m fine with all this.  The part that’s kinda dumb in my opinion is that the entire sequence is meant to wow the tourists staying at Rio’s fancy hotels but it’s like really obvious the people on the ground can’t see any of this shit.  And these ladies are risking their lives by agreeing to tether themselves to bi-planes that were hastily and spontaneously outfitted with hooks, ropes and screws just moments before.  There’s even a part where a woman falls from one of the wings and miraculously lands on another plane below her.  This wasn’t planned.  The filmmakers wanted you to think for a moment this broad was going to plunge to her death.  I guess within the film the grounded audience does see the dazzling air show so it was probably all worth it.  The scene’s still fuckin’ odd man.

 

Movie Body Counts

Ok, we’re definitely gonna be in spoiler territory this time.  So I was watching Alien vs. Predator: Requiem and towards the end the military drops a nuclear bomb on the town that gets taken over by the battling creatures and that particular move probably ticks this guy way up the list in terms of body count.  Again, a whole regular ass town gets obliterated with the people still living there.  No evac.

Lord of the Rings: Return of the King is often cited as having either the highest or nearly the highest body count in a single installment…on screen.  That caveat’s tricky and AVP: Requiem got me thinking.  What about The Day After Tomorrow?  With all the global shenanigans of devastating monster storms covering every inch of Erath’s surface billions had to have died during that.  There’s a lot of flooding and stuff but since it’s all shot from very wide angles showing more the destruction of cities, famous landmarks and landscapes as opposed to focusing in on millions and millions of individuals being decimated.

The Day After Tomorrow's storms are the size
of continents

And what about Star Wars: A New Hope?  The evil empire blows up an entire planet of innocent people in that.  Maybe that one gets a pass because technically they’re all aliens and not human beings?  Even though we all think of them as human beings?  I guess similar to The Day After Tomorrow since we only see the planet burst into bits from a distance and don’t see the suffering up close it doesn’t register nearly as much as say Halloween Kills where you witness the innocents die up close and in particularly gruesome ways.

K-9

Pairing up a human cop with a dog cop is fine.  No problem there.  Anthropomorphizing the dog, eeh, always kinda bizarre but ok.  In typical fashion the two don’t get along at first because they cramp each other’s style but learn to love and respect one another through harrowing escapades on the job.  All acceptable.  The part I’m not on board with is how much of a goddamn psycho Jim Belushi’s (K-911, K-9: P.I.) character is.

Normally in an action cop movie the protagonist is a hard boiled sonuvabitch who plays by his own rules.  He’s constantly in hot water with his boss and doesn’t want a partner because all the other cops are too by the book and/or inexperienced.  That’s all here except Belushi’s Michael Dooley pushes these tropes to the limit.  Here’s one example of how crazy he is.  In order to secure a drug sniffing German Shepard named Jerry Lee Lewis (“the killer”) to help take down the villain he makes a deal with the man in charge of such decisions (not his captain by the way, some other random cop played by Ed O’Neill (Blue Chips)).  If Dooley can resolve the current shootout at an apartment building teeming with bad guys then the dog is his.  Yes, this arrangement makes absolutely no sense.  Anyhow, Dooley proceeds to go to the car rental place next door, get a convertible (the only kind he drives), max out the insurance, drive over to where the standoff is and then rams that sucker right through the fuckin’ wall.  He pops out from the car with his gun completely unscathed and saves the day.  And of course, he gets his dog.

I mean that’s pretty over the top.  But that’s just one incident.  Dooley also tortures suspects, raids a bustling warehouse in broad daylight without a warrant or backup where he suspects the drugs are being held, disrespects his superior, disobeys orders, destroys private property, bursts into the villain’s dinner party waving a gun around scaring the shit out of the innocent guests, sexually assaults a woman, mistreats the dog all throughout the film including wrestling with him, leaving him in a closet overnight, running him through a car wash fully exposed to bathe him and encourages him to have sex with a stranger’s dog without anyone’s consent.  And that’s not to mention he takes on a police dog solo when he has no training in that area or has ever worked with one before.  Aside from something like the Bad Lieutenants this asshole is in the mix for most reckless cop I’ve ever seen on film.

Look, I understand this is supposed to be a comedy but fuck, this guy’s a lunatic.  And not a fun lunatic.  The whole movie’s weird bad.

 

Goodbye Hooper?

So I’m checking out The Goodbye Girl starring Richard Dreyfuss (What About Bob?) and Marsha Mason (Nick of Time) which is just ok.  It’s a meet cute love story with a mildly wacky premise and snappy dialogue.  You know, something that would’ve been made in like the 50’s or earlier but they’re doing it in the mid 70’s and it doesn’t exactly translate in my opinion, at least the way they did it here.  The leads don’t have any chemistry which is the whole enchilada.  Dreyfuss’ energetic, screwball, extremely idiosyncratic character is pretty damn annoying too (he beat out John Travolta in Saturday Night Fever for the Oscar!).

Well, in one very quick scene Dreyfuss looks exactly like he did in Jaws.  He’s got the jean jacket, some gray/tan shirt underneath, the black beanie, the glasses, the beard, it’s all there.  He never dresses like this again at any other point in the film either.  Actually, in a separate scene earlier Dreyfuss is wearing a solid gray sweater that also resembles the one he wears throughout Jaws, except now it’s splattered with white paint or something.

I know this is stupidly nerdy shit to point out but I couldn’t believe it when I saw it.  Girl was only two years after Jaws so it’s possible he really did recycle some of the same wardrobe.  It’s a similar situation with Bruce Willis’ brown jacket in Pulp Fiction and Color of Night except those movies came out the same year.

The Goodbye Girl

Jaws

The Goodbye Girl

Jaws

Holy Spider

Damn Holy Spider is great.  Based on true events it’s about a serial killer in Iran in the early 2000’s and the female journalist, Arezoo (Zar Amir Ebrahimi), who tries to hunt him down.  He targets sex workers because he believes God has put him on a mission to rid the world of “corrupt” women.

This case doesn’t seem to be a high priority for the police so they’re portrayed as somewhat inept or at the very least lazy.  Arezoo knows how dire and important the situation is so she takes it upon herself to investigate which isn’t easy.  She’s constantly faced with roadblocks from society who don’t take her seriously at best and treat her as sub-human at worst.  When she tries to check into a hotel she’s denied because she’s an unmarried woman and it’s against the moral code for her to have a room by herself.  Or later the chief of police thinks she’s taking her sleuthing too far, backs her into a corner, calls her worthless and all but threatens to rape and/or beat her.  Arezoo pushes on though and in her own way fights against the strict guidelines the government and society have put on her.  She’s a hard hitting tenacious journalist, she smokes when she’s not supposed to, she goes around town unaccompanied at night when she’s not supposed to, she insists on following through with procedure when others want to sidestep, she’s a warrior.

However, that’s only half the story.  The other half is about the killer, Saeed (Mehdi Bajestani).  This is hands down one of the best portrayals of a serial murderer I’ve ever seen because it’s realistic.  Look, Se7en is one of my favorite films and John Doe is a fantastic character but the super villain approach that most pictures take is cartoonish.  Sure, there are some that have existed in the world but the vast majority are not like that.  Saeed isn’t some brooding, plotting, ten-steps-ahead-of-the-cops evil genius.  Yes, he’s an extremely disturbed individual who has an urge to kill but he’s also a family man with an average day job as a builder.  In other words he’s a boring middle-aged dude ninety percent of the time.  He goes to work and has dinner with his wife and kids in the evening and discusses visiting the in-laws and plays soccer with his son and goes on picnics and all the other everyday shit that most folks do.  This throughline extends into his homicides too because they don’t always go as planned and he needs to improvise sometimes causing injury to himself accidentally.  And his wife barely buys his lame made up excuses he employs to cover his tracks.  To feed his narcissistic side though he calls the local newspaper after each attack because he wants the credit and wants the world to understand what he’s doing and gets upset when they don’t carry a cover story about him.  Saeed is a complicated individual who is exceedingly dangerous but also tremendously mundane.  His actions are born out of mediocrity.  He believes he was meant for a greater purpose than to merely work construction and raise a family.  It’s incredible how well the filmmakers get this asshole down.

And if that wasn’t enough the setting the story takes place in is totally unique.  Showing Iran having sex workers and drug addicts (particularly female drug addicts) and a serial killer is something I’ve never thought about or seen before.  Of course it makes perfect sense that these things would exist there because they exist absolutely everywhere but to see it portrayed so matter-of-factly on film is an eye opener.  I’m sure we don’t hear about this stuff in the west because not only are we simply not reporting on it but also because Iran tightly controls the image and information that’s transmitted to the rest of the world.  In many ways we’re all the same and deal with a lot of the same issues and that was fascinating, comforting and depressing all at once to encounter.

Speaking of the government, as I was watching I was thinking “there’s no way they actually filmed this in Iran, they wouldn’t allow their country to be portrayed in such a nuanced and controversial light” and sure enough yea, they filmed in Jordan.  In my opinion the movie does point out how cruel and stubbornly single-minded Iran’s society can be at times but it also humanizes the people.  The filmmakers show a spectrum of citizens who don’t all feel the same way about the morals imposed on them and are just as devastated as anyone else when they learn their child has been horribly murdered.

So you definitely gotta check this one out.  It’s wonderfully made and probably one of the best thrillers ever.  Holy Spider?  Holy shit!  (I have to be the first person who came up with that)

Behind Enemy Lines

This action picture from 2001 is a marvel of odd choices.  Owen Wilson (Anaconda, Cars 3) as a downed Navy fighter pilot in enemy territory who must run the gauntlet of war-torn Bosnia to escape to a friendly country next door is miscast.  His laid back jokey demeanor doesn’t fit with the character.  Most of the runtime calls for him to be in awe, pain, anger, display stoicism, remain defiant, etc. but he never really gets there.  He’s too much of a lightweight compared to the more intense tone of every other aspect the production is aiming for.

The editing I can’t go too hard on considering the style of the time but the chaotic moments are damn annoying.  Every once in a while it goes into a frantic seizure with rapid cuts, zooms, camera spinning, slow motion, sped up motion and other gimmickry.  Be careful, suffering whiplash is a real threat here.

Moving on, the soundtrack is all over the goddamn place with pop songs seemingly chosen at random like “What’d I Say” by Ray Charles used during a scene where Wilson and co. fool around propelling a football off the deck of an aircraft carrier at incredible velocity.  But then there’s also techno bangers, villain cues reminiscent of Brad Fiedel’s T2 with metal clanging, dramatic choir singing and your typical driving orchestral pounding.  Again, the tones don’t line up.

But what about all that sweet action?  Well, it’s both cool at times (Wilson’s jet being chased by two heat seeking missiles is tense as hell, followable, fast paced and damn exciting, although the scene is twice as long as it needs to be) and comical at times (Wilson must run through a crumbling factory lined with trip wires all setup adjacent to each other like fifty or sixty in a row like a Wile E. Coyote cartoon and who the hell stacked this shit like this?  No strategy or thought was put into placing them).

Strangely everything is mismatched so much that it comes back around to being kinda interesting.  It nearly works as a whole even though any individual element is a head scratcher.  Every actor is taking the material deadly seriously and then Owen Wilson pops in to do a whiny “aw c’mon”.  Some of the shots are neat like the POV of the catapult that launches the jets off the aircraft carrier or the extreme slow motion of a baddie getting blown away by a trip mine.  But then other parts are a cheese-fest like Wilson’s constant headbutting with his superior officer (Gene Hackman (Extreme Measures, Young Frankenstein)) or his saccharine relationship with his smiling and always supportive co-pilot (Gabriel Macht (The Spirit, Whiteout)) who’s way too upbeat so you know damn well he won’t last long.

This was director John Moore’s first feature and he went on to not have the best track record which includes the pointless 2006 The Omen remake and the sad sequel A Good Day to Die Hard.  I can see how this film would spark interest though.  There’s enough good, even great, stuff to give him more projects.  Maybe he would abandon some of the sillier of-the-times techniques and mature with subsequent films but the material didn’t really pan out.  He doesn’t seem to have been active since 2016.

So there’s plenty to enjoy and plenty to mock here.  From Hackman’s gruff performance to the title being the plot.  The entire thing is basically just Owen Wilson going to a place, getting shot at, navigating a set of obstacles particular to that location, running away (there’s A LOT of running in this) and evading death for a short period until the next set piece.  Repeat ad nauseum.  Each circumstance is entertaining and pretty wild but almost immediately becomes laughable due to Wilson’s bottomless dumb luck and the ineptitude of his pursuers.  He should’ve easily died twenty times over.

Take that for what you will.  It’s messy absurd fun and a time capsule of early 2000’s junk when major movie studios still made straight ahead genre action shit like this.  The same concept would be done much better decades later, albeit in only one act, in Top Gun: Maverick.

*Spoiler for this final paragraph* Lastly I have to mention the weird decision made by Owen Wilson at the end of the movie to stay in the Navy after putting in his letter of resignation earlier in the film.  You would think the insane situation he barely survived where he had a thousand brushes with death would make him want to exit the Navy even more.  But nope, instead his resolve is strengthened.