Single White Female

If you look at these sexy thriller lists you’ll find the usual suspects like Basic Instinct, Body Heat and Fatal Attraction.  But one you never see is Single White Female.  Why?  Who the fuck knows but I’m here to tell you that this is one sexy and thrilling fucking picture.

Allison (Bridget Fonda (Jackie Brown)) is a trendy 90’s kinda gal with a Linda Evangelista haircut and…some sort of…fashion sense…I guess?  She just broke up with her cheating boyfriend, Sam (Steven Weber (Wings)), but can’t stand the thought of being alone so she puts out an ad for a roommate.  Hedy (Jennifer Jason Leigh (The Machinist)) is the one that Allison takes on and, as these things go, Hedy is one rat shit insane motherfucker.

Linda Evangelista 1991

Bridget Fonda 1992

I thought this was going to be bad not only because it’s just the odds on these thrillers, but also because no one really talks about it (at least since the mid 90’s). And while this movie is mostly predictable it is one entertaining piece of cinema.  I mean, holy shit did I have a good time watching this.  The two leads pull off great performances (especially Leigh) and the story genuinely kinda creeped me out a little.  The idea that the person you’re living with is a psycho and that you’re really unsure whether or not they would kill you in your sleep got to me.  It’s not just the idea of impending doom but that impending doom is right down the hall.

And to go off on a side tangent for a moment, Allison has got to be the unluckiest person who ever existed.  She falls in love with a scumbag dude who cheats on her, had a falling out with her former business partner forcing her to start her career all over again, gets hired by some piece of shit that tries to rape her, subsequently has to quit leaving her with no future prospects and ends up picking the worst roommate of all time.  Jesus, this lady cannot catch a fucking break.  None of this shit is her fault really.  She’s like a magnet for horrible people.

The attempted rape thing totally didn’t need to be in there by the way.  I guess the filmmakers thought Allison’s life wasn’t going badly enough?  It’s an unnecessarily nasty plot point that doesn’t go anywhere.  Allison doesn’t suddenly become this strong independent woman that can deal with Hedy and the incident doesn’t lead to something else that eventually exposes Hedy.  So they probably should’ve left that out.

Impulsive rape wasn’t the only thing that caught me off guard though.  The crucial blowjob scene was a real surprise and the ending turned into something different than I was expecting.  Hedy becomes way too criminal mastermind-y with plotting a whole escape plan and way to tie everything up.  I didn’t buy it.  Hedy is a seriously mentally disturbed person with deep psychological issues and not a Batman villain.  When she whipped out a gun it didn’t feel right.  Hedy would never purposefully carry a gun.  She would use whatever was around her at the time because she’s the type of person that acts more in the moment and doesn’t think ahead too much, if at all.  The character was excellently built up and fleshed for most of the film and then they threw it all out the window so the confrontation between her and Allison for the finale could be perceived as more exciting.  That’s a real shame.

While I’m talking about the negatives I did mention that many of the plot points are predictable.  For example Hedy buys a puppy which you know was only introduced so it could be killed off later to demonstrate how evil Hedy is.  There’s also Allison’s friend, Graham (Peter Friedman (Paycheck)), who’s there to either be more fodder for Hedy or help out during the ending (you’ll have to watch to find out which it is).  And so on.

But don’t let that stand in your way.  Even if you’ve seen a bunch of these types of thrillers this one has a lot to offer.  The characters are better developed than usual, some turns in the plot aren’t so predictable (including one that shocked the shit out of me, I’ll just say keep an eye out for it *wink* *wink*), the film may not have been shot in the most exciting manner but it’s certainly clear and concise, the lighting is actually well done with a lot of scenes taking place at night and they make some interesting use of shadows, this might be the best acting job I’ve seen Jennifer Jason Leigh give and the general idea for the movie is a great one.

My favorite part is probably when Hedy takes Allison to the salon to get their hair done.  And even though I knew what was coming, that Hedy was going to get the same haircut, hair color and clothes as Allison, I was still in disbelief that this character would do something this weird and crazy.  What I was most shocked about, and impressed with, was how much they got Leigh to look like Fonda.  It’s pretty goddamn amazing because they look like two totally different people for half the movie but then when Hedy changes over I actually had a little bit of a hard time telling them apart.  For the rest of the film I had to think for a second who I was looking at and get my bearings.  I applaud the good folks that did the hair, makeup and wardrobe because they totally nailed it. 

With all the buildup the transformation scene hits hard and makes you realize that Hedy is more fucked up than you may have initially thought.  To compare, Alicia Silverstone in The Crush does really movie-ish things to show how crazy she is, like she dumps a hive full of bees into a darkroom and she unbuckles the saddle on a horse so that the rider will get thrown off at the precise moment.  That character isn’t scary because she’s too cartoony.  Hedy, on the other hand, feels more like a real person because she starts off doing things that are subtly eerie like buying the same clothes that Allison has and ups the ante with the mysterious death of the puppy.  Then she becomes Allison and the gravity of the situation changes.  At first it’s like, “looks like we got a run of the mill psycho bitch on our hands”, but then it turns into, “cheez, that’s actually some bizarrely dark and creepy shit.”  That’s why the big dumb Hollywood ending that they stuck on here stings worse than usual.  They had a good thing going and opted to wrap it up in the most typical and, in some ways, offensive way possible.

It’s interesting that both the book that this was based on and the screenplay were written by men.  The director, Barbet Schroeder (Reversal of Fortune), is also a dude.  I’ve mentioned previously that this is the case with most sexy thrillers and it’s kind of a weird thing.  There isn’t much else I have to say on that, it’s just something I noticed.

So yeah, this is both sexy and thrilling.  I enjoyed it a helluva lot.  In fact my initial feeling was that this is required reading for sexy thriller aficionados.  But then I thought about it a little more and couldn’t make a strong enough argument that this is one of the greatest of all time.  There are too many flaws that prevent it from achieving that status.  This is a good movie though guys, not just for single white females but for everyone.

Ah fuck it, this is one of the best sexy thrillers out there.  You should really probably see it.

Sex Scenes: Two and a half and…uhh…a half.  The two halves are made up of the blowjob scene and there’s also a masturbation scene.  Together they do not equal a whole other sex scene in my opinion.

After Sex Scenes: Two and a half?  I’m not that confident in my tally for this category because there were a bunch of scenes with Bridget Fonda and Steven Weber lying in bed and/or waking up naked.  It was difficult to tell if sex had previously taken place or if that’s just how these people sleep.

And I also want to mention that there’s a lot of just plane nudity and shadow butt type shit in here.  You know, someone will get up from bed and you’ll catch a glimpse of side boob or whatever.

Strange Cameos: Stephen Tobolowsky plays Allison’s boss and attempted rapist.  He’s been in a ton of stuff but most folks might know him as Ned from Groundhog Day.        

The Mataras twins, Tiffany and Krystle, are in this for a minute and if you’ve seen Kindergarten Cop, Problem Child 2 or Camp Nowhere you’ll probably recognize them.

The Big Easy

A hotshot New Orleans detective named Remy (Dennis Quaid (Undercover Blues)) falls for the District Attorney, Anne (Ellen Barkin (The Fan)), but Remy isn’t all that he appears to be.  He’s a dirty cop that takes a couple of bills on the side plus he does some other abuse of power type shit like running red lights and parking in handicapped spots.  Can he keep the corruption going while wooing the D.A.?  Well, sorta.

I’m gonna make this short and sweet.  Remy is a dick of a slimeball and I don’t get what we or Anne are supposed to see in this guy.  They do play up the he’s-the-best-damn-cop-there-is angle but that isn’t enough.  He can’t get out of his own way.  For instance, when Remy goes on trial for being caught on tape almost accepting a bribe he has the incriminating video destroyed through a series of illegal actions.  I think this was supposed to come off as clever but it only makes this character seem like more of a jerk.

Maybe the filmmakers intended Remy to be more of a cop-that-plays-by-his-own-rules.  The problem is he’s just doing stupid illegal shit and not being a badass.  The most notable un-badass thing about him is the way he talks.  I guess Quaid was going for a Louisiana accent but he sounds more like someone who’s making fun of the way Louisianans talk.  It’s distracting how put on it sounds.  You throw in a jerry curl and a tacky suit and you got one annoying sonuvabitch.

Oh, and in the beginning every other line he says is “this is New Orleans, the Big Easy!”  This isn’t only to remind Anne of where she is every two minutes but it’s also Remy’s excuse for all of the unsavory stuff that he does.  So this picture plays up the weird seedy part of New Orleans which…seems to be the case for almost every movie set there.  Guys, what the fuck is up with the Big Easy?  And what the hell does “the Big Easy” mean?  The town is big, both physically and metaphorically in terms of personality and culture.  I get that part.  But “easy”?  I got nothin’ for that one fellas.

Anyway, Anne dislikes Remy at first for obvious reasons (he’s sort of an asshole) but eventually she gets into his zydeco groove.  Well, that is until she finds out he’s a dirty fucking cop and then has to take him to court on behalf of the government.  But in typical fashion she falls for him all over again by the end.  That’s pretty dumb.  Remy is not a good person exactly.  Sure, he ultimately sees the errors of his ways but only because he got busted and not because he came to the realization that what he was doing was wrong.

This film relies more on poorly constructed thrills than on sex so this wasn’t the steamy affair I was hoping for based on the cover.  It’s a fairly bad picture really that’s unfocused and lame.  The ending is extremely rushed with a weak showdown too.  This is one of the worst New Orleans based films I’ve seen (the best might be Bad Lieutenant: Port of Call New Orleans).

But a lot of critics liked this movie apparently and I guess it did pretty well at the box office.  Ten years later they even made a TV show out of it using the same title and premise.  I don’t get it guys.  I wouldn’t recommend seeing this.

I'll tell you what though, this is a helluva trailer.  Much better than the actual film.

Sex Scenes: One.  It’s a little awkward because Anne doesn’t feel comfortable but Remy insists.  Really it almost isn’t a sex scene because the trepidation on Anne’s part leads to them actually having sex for only a brief moment before Remy gets called away to check out a murder.

After Sex Scenes: Two.  One is from the sex scene but there’s another one in there too.

Strange Cameos: John Goodman (King Ralph) plays a cop that’s barely in the movie but he eventually ends up having a huge fucking impact on the story out of nowhere.

Gailard Sartain has a brief appearance as a Cajun chef.  He might be best known for his role as Chuck in the Ernest movies.

Oddly enough another guy from an Ernest movie (Saves Christmas) is in this and that’s Robert Lesser.  He’s been in a bunch of big films (Die Hard, 2010, Godzilla (1998)) but always in minor roles.

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After you get where you're going,
take off your shoes and your socks
then walk around on the rug bare foot and
make fists with your toes."