Out of Bounds

First of all I know none of you give even the smallest fuck about 1986’s Out of Bounds, an action thriller starring Anthony Michael Hall (Halloween Kills) and Jenny Wright (The Lawnmower Man).  Second of all I know your time is precious and wasting it on this dumb bullshit will be at best a mild regret.  But I must convey how absurdly strange this picture is.  The safest approach might be what I did with another humdinger of a viewer, Ricochet, which is to rattle off bullet points.  It not only parallels the disconnected nature of the film but is also probably the most efficient method (again, thinking of you treasured reader).  Oooookay:

• We should do a brief plot synopsis, right?  Daryl (Hall) (hah, sounds like the guy from the pop outfit Hall & Oates) travels from Podunk, Iowa to the City of Angels (LA) to stay with his brother but his bag gets mixed up at the airport for one with a lot of heroin stashed in it.  The bad guy wants his drugs back so he kills the brother and his wife causing Daryl to go on the run.  He hooks up with a lady named Dizz (Wright) who he met on the plane ride over and the two scamper all over town trying to find/evade the bad guys and the cops.
• When Daryl discovers his brother’s corpse he grabs a gun he finds on the ground (his brother’s?  the killer’s?  I dunno).  At that moment some poor innocent bastard walks in to let the brother know his septic tank is overflowing.  He spots the gun, the two tussle and Daryl shoots and kills him!!!  I repeat, this wasn’t a villainous character of any stripe.  Just some guy in the wrong place at the wrong time.
• The cops spot Daryl shortly after fleeing the scene so he hops on the back of a motorcycle, holds a gun to the driver’s head and the two blast away on a wild bike/cop car chase.  Afterward the driver believes Daryl is innocent and commends him for evading the cops.
• In a precursor to Pulp Fiction Dizz works at a kitschy restaurant where they serve menu items such as Buddy Holly burgers and Elvis Presley shakes.
• Dizz is one of the most aggressively 80’s characters I’ve ever seen.  It’s difficult to describe her appearance but she has sort of a bleached tumbleweed for hair, caked on makeup, wears black ripped stockings and in one part an eye piercingly neon yellow super glossy raincoat.  She drives a pink convertible with a zebra skin interior and lives in a multi-colored, mish mosh style house filled with images and trinkets of penguins.
• Hall attempts a soft southerny/mid-westerny accent with disappointing results.
  
• Hall’s hair is distracting.  He sports a borderline mullet that looks unbelievably greasy like he hasn’t washed it in weeks.  Gross.
• I have no fucking clue what Daryl and Dizz are ever doing.  All throughout the film they meet up with the bad guy as if to make a deal of some sort but then they immediately run from him upon first sight.  The same happens with the cops.  They call the police, cops arrive, they run.  Look, I saw this sucker stone cold sober but can’t tell you for the life of me what the protagonists’ goals are or how any of the plot points make any logical sense.  If Daryl is seeking to prove his innocence regarding his brother’s murder then he’s shitting the bed really hard and nasty on that.
• Admittedly the only reason I put this movie on is because I had read that power pop royalty Tommy Keene was in it.  And in fact he does perform “Run Now” in the background at a club where Daryl and Dizz set a meet up with the villain.  It’s an unceremonious affair but still cool to see Tommy in his heyday slingin’ his trademark Telecaster ‘n’ all in an actual movie.  His biggest album, Songs from the Film (unrelated), dopped the same year so this was a promotional move.  Siouxsie and the Banshees also make an appearance at a different club earlier and get more of a spotlight.  Makes sense since they were already firmly established for about a decade at that point.
• The one big kick I got out of this thing is Jerry Levine has a role as a grimy slimy fast talking gregarious drug dealer/hustler guy.  This is almost the same exact character as Stiles from Teen Wolf that he played the previous year.  Therefore I am choosing to believe this IS Stiles and these two pictures take place in a shared universe.  Out of Bounds is so fucked anyway I would’ve welcomed werewolves into the scenario.
• Finally, Meat Loaf shows up for a quick minute as a drug runner pilot who abruptly gets shot during take off.  At one point I spotted someone wearing a Rocky Horror Picture Show shirt so I wonder if that was a coincidence.

As you can surmise this movie is baaaaaaaaad.  It’s not even that entertainingly bad either.  It just made me cranky because nothing adds up.  From the two random dudes going around killing people who we find out at the very end are rogue DEA agents to Daryl outwitting and out-brawling the pathetic villain at every turn.  I mean this asshole simply has some of the worst luck of all time.  Like to the point where I felt a little sorry for him by the end (kinda like the bad guy in The Net).

And because of Daryl’s utter idiocy and reluctance to turn himself him and clear his name he either directly or indirectly causes the deaths of a number of folks and ruins the lives of countless others.  By the time the credits roll he’s committed many crimes he didn’t need to (including murder!) and the cops let him walk away with his arm slung over Dizz as if to say “wow that was a crazy misadventure wasn’t it?”  Arrest him!

I would not recommend Out of Bounds.  The title says it all, leave it there. 

Mish Mash 27 (Eye for an Eye, The Chaser, Mortal Thoughts)

Eye for an Eye

Really what I wanted to point out with this mid level thriller is the villain portrayed by Kiefer Sutherland (Flatliners (2017)).  They make him so goddamn evil it’s comical.  Sutherland plays Robert Doob, a rapist and murderer which you would think would be enough to set the audience against him but the filmmakers take it much further.  He not only smirks and laughs when he gets off for said crimes but he also threatens to rape an eight year old and pours hot coffee on a dog.  Plus he’s just rude like when he pisses on a lady’s lawn and drives like an asshole swerving in and out of lanes.  Sporting a 90’s greaser look with slick pompadour hair, a gross goatee, A-shirt and a long ass wallet chain only puts this sonuvabitch over the top.

As for the film proper it’s not great.  I think they were aiming for a commentary on how the loss of a loved one through particularly violent and terrible means can change even a rich white liberal woman’s (Sally Field (The Amazing Spider-Man 2)) mind about vengeance, the death penalty, vigilante justice, etc.  In other words if you went through a heavily traumatizing tragedy would that alter where you stand morally on the ol’ eye for an eye sentiment.  And while this is definitely a dilemma worth exploring the movie isn’t subtle about who’s right/wrong, who’s good/bad.  As mentioned in the previous paragraph Doob is such a piece of fucking rat shit with the picture leaving zero doubt that he absolutely committed the crimes he’s accused of that there isn’t this gray area for debate.  Sally Field is absolved of any possible crimes she’s flirting with in striking back because we know her actions are essentially justified.  Anyway, that’s how eye sees it.

The Chaser

Late as hell to the party on this one (what else is new?) but yea, amazing.  This is one of those where you don’t wanna know a whole lot going in.  The basic premise is about a pimp whose girls have been disappearing.  He thinks someone is pulling a human trafficking job by stealing and selling them off as sex slaves.  He gets a lead on who might be behind this so he follows up only to find he stumbled into a fucking nightmare situation (as opposed to the non-nightmare world of slavery (*sarcasm*)).  Twists and turns abound with thrills packed to the gills.  I feel I should clarify it’s a cop film with a (sort of) mystery that (sort of) needs to be pieced together.  So if you were thinking it goes in a sci-fi or supernatural direction it doesn’t.  This thing does get pretty damn movie-ish towards the end however with some ridiculous coincidences but that’s easily forgiven because the rest of the story is so well told and the performances are very strong.  I know I’m being stupidly vague but really, if any of this sounds remotely interesting to you check it out pronto.

*Spoiler section for those who need more of a push* I do want to mention that the events in this picture were loosely based on real life Korean serial killer (and possible cannibal) Yoo Young-chul who murdered as many as twenty people in the early 2000’s (there’s a good doc on these crimes called The Raincoat Killer).  And having this knowledge makes the film even darker and spookier.  It adds a layer of reality you kinda wish wasn’t there but at the same time makes the film even more compelling.  This is similar to the early 80’s Austrian slasher Angst where real life and what’s supposed to be entertaining cinema clash in your brain for an uncomfortably mesmerizing experience.

Mortal Thoughts

In the wake of Bruce Willis announcing his aphasia and retirement I decided to finally pull the trigger on Mortal Thoughts which I had been meaning to watch for a long while.  It’s a thriller from 1991 about the murder of Jimmy (Bruce) at the hand of his wife, Joyce (Glenne Headly (Dirty Rotten Scoundrels)), and her best friend, Cynthia (Bruce’s then wife Demi Moore (G.I. Jane)).  The entire thing is told via flashback during Cynthia’s police interrogation and while she fully admits to covering up the crime with Joyce we’re given the impression that she isn’t telling the whole story.  The movie’s fine.  Not remarkable but engaging enough that I was interested in knowing what was gonna happen next.  This shit’s right up my alley so I’m a sucker for it.

Anyway, Bruce gives one of the two standout performances (Headly is the other who pretty much shows up anyone she shares a scene with).  It’s unfortunate that his character is an unbelievable major league piece of crap asshole with no redeeming qualities whatsoever but Bruce plays it wonderfully.  He’s constantly angry with Joyce over anything and everything including something as simple as having sugar in stock for his tea.  He goes from zero to a hundred in seconds and starts yelling then getting in your face then grabbing then pushing and he’s just so infuriating.  But again, Bruce parades the scumbaggery in a way that I was invested in the character despite his appalling behavior (including sexual assault by the way).  There’s even a part where Jimmy is high on coke and pills and because he broke the car radio on a previous occasion (off screen) he starts obnoxiously singing “Kung Fu Fighting” and it’s bewilderingly amusing.  It’s always weird to hate a character a great deal but still want to see more of them.  The picture might be worth checking out for Bruce’s work here alone.

One Shot

If you still had doubts that Scott Adkins (The Debt Collector) is the reigning champ of action cinema right now take a gander at One Shot and then get back to me.  Holy shit what a fun and exciting film.

At first I was worried because the beginning has a cheap amateur feel.  The setup of Navy SEALS and a CIA operative butting heads with other secretive US government spooks to transfer a terrorist prisoner isn’t particularly interesting.  It’s generic military crap that a zillion other movies use as a baseline for tension.  However, when a large force of insurgents armed to the teeth breaks into the compound it’s all out war.  They want the prisoner in question and it’s up to Adkins and co. to prevent that from happening by both fighting the enemy head on in firefights, sneaking around covertly dispatching victims and desperately trying to get the antenna up and running again so they can call for backup.

The main gimmick of this sucker is that it all appears to be done in one long shot.  It wasn’t but it becomes so engrossing it doesn’t matter (plus these motherfuckers ain’t crazy like those who made Russian Ark).  The closest equivalent that I (and I think most people) have seen is 1917, a seemingly single take war picture.  One Shot is sort of like a much rougher version.  The camera doesn’t glide nearly as elegantly so you definitely notice the movements more.  This is particularly obvious in the non-action scenes where the filmmakers don’t know what to do with the camera so they end up swiveling in a circle around the actors or swinging back and forth between whoever has the next line of dialogue.  They never lock the camera down.  For three quarters of the film this works though because there’s so much chaos with constant scrapes and shouting matches that you do get successfully emersed in the dire situation.  The rawness and limitation of committing to a one shot approach works incredibly well here.

And with the combination of a continuous shot and little relief from the onslaught certain deaths hit hard.  Most are your usual stormtrooper type with faceless guys being gunned or knifed down and you don’t really think about it.  But there are a couple of non-military administrative folks that work at the black site who get executed and it’s kinda disturbing.  And earlier one of Adkins’ team lies severely injured on a table after the initial attack slowly dying with his brothers in arms unable to help him.  They can only do their best to comfort him during his last moments.  The camera doesn’t cut away because it can’t making this scene especially heart wrenching.

One curious thing is the acting.  At the start it’s not very good adding to the preliminary shitty production feel.  But then, like every other aspect of this picture, it turns a corner when the attack begins.  Everyone switches on pro mode and gives it their all showing determination, frustration, agony, madness, fear, desperation, etc.  Even Adkins sports a much more successful American accent here than the trashy quasi southern one he did in Ip Man 4.  Although out of everyone the stand out is Waleed Elgadi (The 355) who plays the prisoner being transferred.  He does an amazing job all the way through as someone who’s been tortured, at the end of his rope and has been jerked around so much he doesn’t know who or what to believe anymore.  I would love to see Elgadi in bigger films and get more recognition.

This is a smartly made film.  They knew to keep the location in one contained area (a secret US black site somewhere), the scenario is simple (protect the prisoner), they plotted out the action and non-action scenes well so there would be proper breaks, good people were hired to pull this shit off and there’s a clever twist towards the end.  It’s just so impressive what these guys were able to accomplish on a tiny ass budget (compared to a major Hollywood flick).

You do have to accept certain views the movie throws at you however.  There’s an acknowledgment that these black sites are, maybe not good, but at least necessary.  The title has a double meaning beyond the technical standpoint that this target prisoner is our one shot at preventing a possible imminent terrorist attack on DC.  If he dies potentially hundreds or thousands of innocent people will as well.  Even though the movie makes an argument against torturing people for information the water gets muddied when whoops!  That’s a spoiler.  Look, I’d be lying if I said this ruined the film for me.  The rest of what’s presented is so enjoyable that I was able to compartmentalize this stuff.

So while I wouldn’t say this is the best action picture of the last however many years it’s a helluva good one.  And I don’t normally go for technical gimmickry or heavy military set pieces like this so that’s saying something.  There’s a ferocity to the experience that’s undeniably gripping.  I haven’t even mentioned the scene where the main villain summons one of his foot soldiers over and they both seem to know what’s up but we don’t yet.  They take a walk together in silence with some other members joining until finally someone pulls out a suicide vest.  They form a circle and do a ritual chant before continuing to walk towards their intended target.  The bomber is visibly upset and can barely hold it together but is also determined because he knows what he has to do and jeezy creezy.  Such an intense fucking scene.

Definitely not for everyone.  But if it sounds like it’s in your wheelhouse take the plunge, it’s exhilarating.

Strays

Recently I checked out Vin Diesel’s (A Man Apart) short, Multi-Facial, that he made back in the mid 90’s that he wrote, directed, produced AND starred in.  It’s a clever concept about an actor going on auditions in NYC but due to his ambiguous ethnicity he keeps getting rejected for not being quite right for any role (Diesel himself has said he’s unsure of his own heritage, partially stemming from never knowing his biological father).  Anyway, a good effort that shows promising acting and storytelling chops.  You should check it out.

What I do not recommend though is his follow up feature length debut Strays which came out a couple of years after.  Diesel takes on the same responsibilities of writing, directing, etc.  It’s the only time he’s done that on this scale (as of this Talkin’) so it’s his baby.  The story focuses on weed dealer Rick (Diesel) hangin’ in NYC going out to bars every night, boozin’, gettin’ high and havin’ tons of casual sex.  But he’s tired of this lifestyle and wants a real meaningful relationship.  One day he catches a glimpse of his neighbor down the street and decides to pursue her.  She’s a classy mild mannered mid-westerner (i.e. the opposite of who Rick normally sees) named Heather (Suzanne Lanza (The Night We Never Met)).  How will it go?

Well on their first meeting (like probably minutes in) Rick tells her to close her eyes and he starts to sing:

When a man's an empty kettle
He should be on his mettle
And yet I'm torn apart
Just because I'm presumin'
That I could be kind of human
If I only had a heart

Yea, fucking “If I Only Had a Heart” from The Wizard of Oz.  And he sings THE ENTIRE GODDAMN SONG!  He’s also gently caressing her hair during this by the way.  Heather goofily smiles at the conclusion and then Rick continues with their conversation as if that shit didn’t just happen (later Heather tells her friend it was wonderful *gag*).  This is one of the most awkward fucking things I’ve ever seen in a movie and I’m really not kidding.  It was a huge roll of the dice if that scene would work but holy shit, that sucker crashed and burned and took out several dozen innocent bystanders in the process.  I can’t stress enough how Weird this part is.  And of course Diesel and Lanza have no chemistry whatsoever adding yet another layer to this shit sandwich.

The movie has lots of problems but no other moment fails as hard as tough guy/baller/stud/drug dealer/hot headed Rick softly crooning a tune from The Wizard of Oz on the street to the girl he likes a lot.  Rick must’ve had this “ace” in his back pocket ready to go completely confident in its undeniable dazzling charm because otherwise I have no explanation for it.  And naturally this move does end up wooing the lady because hey, it’s Vin Diesel’s movie.

Interestingly when Rick and Heather have more of a real date the next night (dinner, etc.) they’re walking down the street and these two guys pass by and Rick thinks they’re giving his lady the eye so he starts in with them.  He turns on the macho bullshit promptly dishing out insults and dropping N bombs.  Heather is disgusted and immediately ditches his ass on the street corner.  Good for her.  Now, they eventually reconcile but in another scene later on she overhears Rick threatening to beat up a dude who owes him money.  Once again, Heather bolts instantly because this is a scary side to Rick that she doesn’t know how to deal with or want to tolerate.  So Diesel knew the right way to play out those scenes.  Too bad he didn’t have such good sense with the rest of the film.

Texas Chainsaw Massacre (2022)

Essentially the filmmakers said “people really liked the 2018 Halloween, let’s do that”.  And they’re shameless about it.  This one is a direct sequel to the 1974 film ignoring everything else, it’s set in modern day, features the original (now older) Leatherface, they bring back sole survivor Sally (although played by Olwen Fouere (Mandy) as Marilyn Burns had died a few years before production began) who’s turned into a take-no-shit hard boiled badass who’s been waiting for the day when Leatherface would resurface so she can have a winner-take-all showdown, the title is (frustratingly) almost precisely the same as the movie it’s a sequel to and you get the idea.

The setup is mostly routine except with an odd angle.  A group of young people buy an entire deserted town in the middle of nowhere Texas and plan to auction the majority of it off to investors to turn the place into a thriving cutesy hipster community, I think?  These folks look like they’re in their early 20’s making me wonder where the hell they got the money for this.  They appear to be chefs with a social media presence and they drive a fancy ass Tesla so I guess that equals big bucks.  Whatever, it doesn’t really matter.  Leatherface lives in the run down orphanage off of the main drag being taken care of by an old lady acting as his guardian (I don’t think she’s supposed to be his mother but I could be wrong).  The spry entrepreneurs confront the woman (whos’ sickly and on oxygen) about how she’s not supposed to be there, she has a heart attack, Leatherface goes apeshit and slaughters everyone.  Typical stuff, victims trapped in an isolated spot with no help on the way.  However, you must overlook that the movie very clearly establishes there’s an internet connection for the entire duration yet no one takes advantage of it to call in the cavalry.  Thanks.

Ok, so it’s primarily Leatherface going around gutting people like there’s no tomorrow.  Naturally the gore is amped way the fuck up making just about every kill damn brutal.  A good handful are particularly vicious that involve either head smashing, complete chain sawing in half with internal organs spilling out, decapitation and so forth.  This isn’t exactly my cup of tea with how much they show but they were successful in creating some startling moments that curled my face.  Mission accomplished guys.

Easily the best sequence is when Leatherface boards a bus full of young smug investors.  They have no place to escape so Leatherface has no problem mowing through the crowd.  There are so many targets he’ll chop off a limb and toss it aside or maim someone and let them bleed out ‘cause he doesn’t have time to finish.  It’s a frenzy.  I can’t recall seeing this specific idea done before and it’s great and simple and would be truly terrifying if you ran into that in real life.

When Leatherface initially steps on the bus everyone whips out their phone and starts taking video and live streaming not knowing who they’re dealing with.  One asshole threatens to cancel him if he gets any closer and this type of social commentary is something the film leans into hard.  Towards the beginning our main group of victims meet a local Texan who was hired to help fix up the town for the auction and there’s friction immediately.  They criticize him for openly carrying a handgun, pumping thick black exhaust from his truck and they act generally antagonistic towards one another.  Plus there’s an entire scene involving removing a confederate flag hanging on a building, a run in with local cops who are suspicious of the kids because they’re young, from out of town and one of them is black and you get the idea.  Look, I know everyone loved Get Out but that was constructed from the ground up to address racism and other social issues.  This ain’t that.  This is technically sequel number eight in a horror franchise with statements shoehorned in desperately trying to connect to today’s youth.  I’m not saying you can’t do this successfully in a Texas Chainsaw but from what I gather this sloppy shoving of topical shit in your face has turned a lot of fans off (including myself).  The filmmakers needed to put in a good deal more thought than they did here.

Now the movie isn’t all bad.  They got Leatherface right which is important.  Yes he’s a treacherous beast but he also has tender moments like when his…caretaker (?)…is dying and he rides with her in the police van cradling her in his arms.  He loves her and is a wreck over what’s happening.  Later he goes back to the orphanage, finds her dress in the closet and hugs and smells it as a way to remember and connect.  This is what sets Leatherface apart from Michael Myers, Jason Voorhees and Freddy Krueger.  They don’t have the capacity to be nearly as emotionally open and actually weep and mourn in a way we can relate to (as opposed to stealing your deceased mother’s tombstone or corpse to create a makeshift alter).

And hey, the picture delivers on people getting massacred via chainsaw.  That happens like kind of a lot so I gotta hand it to ‘em.  In the ’74 and ’03 Chainsaws only one poor bastard gets taken down by that method.  Hell, TCM: The Next Generation possesses none such deaths!

Most of the rest of the film I’m not that into.  Leatherface’s skin mask is too droopy (almost melted in appearance), the little story that’s here isn’t very good, the characters aren’t interesting, the acting isn’t anything special except for Mark Burnham (Lowlife) who plays Leatherface and Alice Krige (Gretel & Hansel) who plays his keeper, it’s a touch extreme on the gore and the social statements are unwelcome.  There’s plenty of flat out stupid shit too like the fact that Leatherface must be in his 70’s at this point and can still run around like a vibrant youngster and take many blows without losing a step.  His chainsaw was bricked up behind a wall in the orphanage for some reason and it works fine after sitting for like fifty years.  Sally has the opportunity to blast Leatherface dead at point blank range but decides not to because she’s hurt he doesn’t remember her.  And you get the idea.

In the end it’s just another tired sequel to add to the fire.  I’ll admit I like it more after sitting with it for a few days to ponder over.  But still, the same beats are followed more or less with the surprising change of having Leatherface go solo this time around and ditching the other insane family members.  They tried that before with Texas Chainsaw 3D and it simply doesn’t work as well.  With the small number of positives I wanna say it’s better than Leatherface but I can’t be sure about the other installments.  Nothing’s gonna beat TCM 2 which truly is a worthy successor to the original and only gets better with each viewing.  And despite not being officially labeled as a TCM sequel I’ll give a shoutout to Butcher Boys for displaying the same spirited chaotic attitude.

Mish Mash 26 (All the Right Moves, Attica, Miracle Mile, Say Anything)

All the Right Moves

High school and football, a classic combo.  The thing that sets this one apart is the gray area that each character winds up in.  Tom Cruise (Legend) isn’t the star of the team but he’s first string and is devoted to putting in the hard work to win.  When his squad suffers a particularly devastating loss the coach (Craig T. Nelson (Action Jackson)) brutally berates one of his players prompting Cruise to step in and defend his teammate while also hurling some insults.  The coach immediately kicks Cruise off the team.  Oh shit!  Now he can’t get a football scholarship and go to college.  He’s doomed to spend the rest of his life in a small western PA mill town.

The movie doesn’t hold your hand (for the most part) in telling you who’s right and who’s wrong or what degrees may exist in between.  You can understand the justifications for each character’s actions but at the same time you can also see how they might not be totally right either.  Cruise sticks up for his teammate but maybe he takes it too far by calling the coach out on his bullshit and dumping trash on his lawn.  And even though the coach may have been too hard on his players after such a crushing defeat he can’t have his guys run roughshod over him.  However, what the coach fails to realize is he’s holding the future of some teenagers in his hands.  They’re kids that he knows and works with every day yet respect and honor are real things that can’t be ignored when shit gets real emotional.  I dunno, maybe I took this thing deeper than the film intended.

Unfortunately in the end the film does pick a side instead of leaving it up to you to decide where these folks land on your moral compass.  But for ninety five percent of it there’s plenty to think about here and I appreciate that.

 

Attica

The prison riot at Attica I think is one of those things most people know of but don’t really know much about.  This excellent documentary goes through the conditions the prisoners were rebelling against, the mindset of all people involved including, crucially, the families of the hostages, the tense, negotiations and the horrible ending to the whole fiasco.

It was a heartbreaking incident that never should’ve happened because the prisoners shouldn’t have been treated so horribly to begin with.  All freedoms have already been taken away from them for whatever crime they committed so why subject them to further torture through beatings, detestable food, overuse of solitary confinement, etc.

It’s an illuminating film that’s edited very well.  They make sure to highlight that while the inmates’ grievances were legitimate they were also hurting others to get their point across so there’s some balance there.  It’s a heavy watch but I would definitely recommend this one.

 

Miracle Mile

Is cute a weird word to describe a nuclear holocaust movie?  I mean it’s unnerving at times, especially towards the end with people panicking and LA going to shit, but the protagonist we follow through the ordeal is kinda silly.  Harry (Anthony Edwards (Pet Sematary II)) is a self described Glenn Miller impersonator who wears the same round glasses, a bright blue suit and plays the trombone.  One night he picks up a ringing payphone with the person on the other end screaming that the nukes were set off before gunshots blast away and a different voice picks up eerily telling him to “go back to sleep”.  Harry believes what he heard and tells the first people he sees.  This snowballs with word spreading like a virus causing the entire goddamn world to lose its mind.

While the characters are likeable enough it’s the fever dream approach that makes the movie in my opinion.  The whole time you don’t know if Tinseltown will actually be obliterated momentarily or if it’s all mass hysteria and that filters everything you see.  Maybe the madness is over nothing.  But what if it isn’t?

Once Harry receives the call the rest of the film takes place in real time more of less with a greater number of folks thinking they only have under an hour left to live.  Crazy situations ensue, special bonds are formed and felonies are definitely committed.  Harry’s sole mission is to get out of the city with the woman he fell in love with the day before (Mare Winningham (Tuner & Hooch)) and his devotion is touching (even though it drives him to make questionable decisions).

 

Say Anything

What the fuck is up with the bizarro B plot involving an IRS investigation?  There were certain things I expected out of this picture and half the movie delivered on exactly that.  Teen romance?  Yes.  Dramedy?  Yes.  Tensions between parent and child over who they’re dating?  Yes.  80’s as hell?  Oh yes.  All that stuff is handled well enough with plenty of poignant and funny moments to go around.  The leads are actually pretty damn affable too making most of the film enjoyable to watch.

But then the IRS come knocking creating a ridiculous distraction that pops up every now and again.  It’s not that the girlfriend’s father (John Mahoney (Tin Men)) didn’t pay his taxes, it’s that they think he’s committing major fraud.  This is serious man.  He’s weathering a huge shitstorm while his daughter and her goofy fuckin’ boyfriend figure out their lives and carry on an adorable relationship post high school.

"You're under criminal investigation
for the tax years 1982-1986"

Even the most famous part where John Cusack (Love & Mercy) holds a boom box over his head pumping “In Your Eyes” by Peter Gabriel doesn’t go down like I thought it would.  All these years I was led to believe that he’s outside his ex-girlfriend’s (Ione Skye (River’s Edge)) window yearning for her to notice him and give him another chance.  But that’s not what happens in the movie at all.  Instead he’s in a park playing the music for no one nowhere near his ex who’s tossing and turning in bed.  I don’t really get why this scene became so ingrained in pop culture then.  The situation is a lot sadder and depressing than how I think everyone remembers it.

Weird fuckin’ film guys.

Toy Story 3 & 4 Thoughts

Ok, so I ended up moving which is why there hasn’t been a lot going on around here lately.  And after I got settled I wanted something comforting.  Like hanging out with an old friend.  A friend in me?  That doesn’t make sense.  Anyway, newly acquired access to Disney+ opened up a fresh array of movies to exploit.  Right away family movie juggernaut Toy Story was staring me in the face so it got the call.  Unexpectedly however, this put me on a path to rewatching the whole series and checking out number 4 for the first time.  Surprisingly the journey was an enlightening one.

You may have read the title to this piece so let’s quickly get some business out of the way from the top.  The first film is damn near perfect.  I absolutely love it and can’t imagine I have a helluva lot to contribute to the conversation at this point.  The second is still great with an insanely tight script but it doesn’t have quite the same magic as its predecessor.  There’s actually a lot to breakdown there but I’d rather touch on the later sequels for reasons that will soon become apparent.

Number 3 is basically a prison break movie where Woody (Tom Hanks (Turner and Hooch)) must bust out his pals from a daycare center run by a tyrannical strawberry scented bear named Lotso (Ned Beatty (The Big Easy)).  This asshole sacrifices newcomers and toys he simply doesn’t like to the rowdy group of toddlers who deface, beat and mangle anything they get their hands on.  Lotso sets himself up, along with his friends, to be played with the gentler kids.  Your choices are fall in with A No. 1 or take your own chances with the beast babies.

Even though the film isn’t that haha funny, it’s strange funny.  There’s edge to it.  Like they depict the bad guy toys gambling and talking shit about the other toys.  Not to mention the very idea of having your family movie take place in a prison (daycare) is a touch odd.  But perhaps the most shocking part is when Buzz Lightyear (Tim Allen (Redbelt)) gets tortured.  They eventually push his reset button so he reverts back to thinking he’s a real space ranger and they recruit him as their bodyguard.  Think about that for a minute.  This goddamn film implies that Buzz gets fucked up so badly that either he has a break from reality and can’t remember who he really is or they brainwashed him and now he’s a villain.  That’s kinda dark man.

And then part 4 has a horror vibe to it at times as well as a philosophical one.  This fuckin’ movie examines the very definition of a toy and creation and consciousness.  It’s completely bizarre.  The little girl who now owns Woody and co (although they’re careful to not use the word “own” I’m sure because of the connotations to slavery) creates a figure using a spork for the body, a pipe cleaner for arms, a popsicle stick cut in half for feet and googly eyes for, well, eyes.  And it comes to life, like frickin’ Frankenstein’s monster!  And it’s the same deal where Forky (Tony Hale (Being the Ricardos)), as he’s named, is all fucked up and doesn’t know who he is, where he is or what the hey is going on.  He thinks he’s trash and constantly tries to jump back in the garbage can.  The first film delved into this territory a little with Sid mixing and matching different toy parts but part 4 takes it to another level.  How do you distinguish what is and what isn’t a toy?  If you slap eyes on anything does it miraculously bring a conscious toy into being?  Where’s the line?  This is some heavy shit to explore.

Later a large chunk of the picture takes place in an antique store where an old doll from the 50’s and her ventriloquist dummy goons fill in as the villains.  The dummies move like zombies with their arms sorta lifeless and their legs wobbly and their mouths always agape.  These things are legitimately creepy (which they fully acknowledge in the movie by the way).  And the doll’s evil plan is to rip Woody’s voice box out so she can replace her own broken one.  So part 4 is by far the weirdest of the bunch.

Stepping back for a moment though it’s fascinating to see the progression of the series.  One of the most noticeable aspects is the animation.  While the first installment still looks fantastic there are certain things that stick out like the backgrounds have little detail or are silhouettes.  The animators knew to focus their attention and the limited power of their computers towards the characters, what’s happening in the foreground, crafting a story that stayed within their means and carefully picking shots that would have the most impact without frying their equipment.  Talk about impressive.  And now the technology has come amazingly far since 1995.  Like parts of 4 look a hundred percent photorealistic, the camerawork is more confident and you can tell the filmmakers aren’t worried about what’s possible, freeing them up to concentrate on the story and the characters and if a used spork with a crooked clay mouth constitutes a toy and all that kinda shit.

Toy Story 1, essentially a blank background

Toy Story 4, now they have the ability to fill in all the detail

Here are some other noteworthy items.  An amusing recurring theme throughout is the films acknowledge there are definitely a lot of nasty ass kids out there like Sid, the girl at the airport at the end of 2, the toddlers from 3, the kindergarteners from 4, etc.  Yea, a handful are depicted as precious and wonderful but there are also a ton that are straight up dicks.

Buzz seemed to be a bit of a problem for the filmmakers in the sequels because they kept wanting to turn him back into the old Buzz from part 1 where he doesn’t realize he’s a toy.  They did this in 2 and 3 and the twist in part 4 is they simply make him extra dumb.  Bo Peep (Annie Potts (Designing Women)) is the one who ends up kicking all the ass while Buzz is just sorta there to meekly help out.  He’s supposed to be equal to Woody in terms of stature but in reality he’s a total side character who plays a much smaller role in all the sequels.

Woody is a good guy ‘n all but his antics of trying to save every troubled toy he comes across gets extremely tiring.  I know his heart is in the right place (well, if he had a heart) but he seriously needs to learn to let some shit go.  Probably a majority of the sticky situations these characters get in is due to Woody having an uncontrollable impulse to rescue and find a home for all toys.

During this Toy Story deluge I opted to watch the two TV specials that came out in 2013 and 2014 (which were clearly abandoned ideas for a fourth film) and one of them, Toy Story That Time Forgot, highlights the fact that all toys in this universe don’t realize they’re toys at first.  They think they’re the real thing they’re supposed to represent, a space ranger, a battle dinosaur, a stuntman, etc.  So I guess all toys need to be educated on what they truly are at some point.

The toys don’t need any sustenance.  Food and water isn’t necessary for their survival so presumably as long as they’re taken care of they’ll live forever.

They can feel pain sometimes, maybe.  During fights the toys act like they’re experiencing pain but if an arm gets ripped off sometimes they don’t react at all.

This hurts

This doesn't

This leads me to the issue I had the hardest time wrapping my head around (and the question most folks have been asking since the mid 90’s).  Why are some toys alive and others aren’t?  This question popped into my head over and over.  Why aren’t board games sentient?  Wood blocks?  Hell, the remote control car from part 1 is alive but the one in part 4 isn’t?  A chair with eyes is living but a toy truck that Woody randomly comes across isn’t?  Bouncing balls aren’t alive but friggin’ hockey pucks are?!  Of course the answer is: whatever the fuck the filmmakers felt like doing or needed for a particular scene.  That doesn’t make this conundrum any less frustrating though.

Plus batteries may or may not be vital for certain toys to function, individual pieces of a toy can detach and work independently of the main body, Woody’s voice box is removed but he can still talk normally and AHHHH MY BRAIN IS GOING TO EXPLODE!

Ironically that’s the elephant in the room with these movies.  They’re delightful to watch as long as you don’t think about the concept for more than half a second.  In most other instances this would almost certainly be an automatic disqualifier.  Yet the people behind the franchise found the fine line that made sense to everyone and, friends, they walk the shit out of it.  Again, ridiculously impressive with how they knew what would work and what wouldn’t.

Do I recommend these pictures?  Fuck yea.  I mean part 4 pushes it too far in my opinion though.  They wrapped up the saga very nicely with number 3 where everything fit neatly into a touching send off.  Without going into spoilers all I’ll say is I cannot overstate how much I disagree with the ending of the fourth one.  It feels entirely wrong.  They got greedy and fucked up.  Aside from that this is a worthwhile set to revisit or visit for the first time.  There are technical reasons and there are storytelling/bonkers plot reasons.  There’s something for everyone.  I can’t say for sure they’ll take you to infinity and wherever but as long as you loosen your mind they’re real fun.

Alright everyone, it was a messy year and I don’t doubt the next one will be any less head scratching.  But keep on truckin’.  See you on the other side.