Rhinestone

Now if you expect me to shit all over Rhinestone and call it the worst thing ever and curse its very existence then you’ve come to the wrong place my friend.  Everyone else will try to convince you that it isn’t even worth considering watching let alone actually watching.  Well I’m here to tell you it’s a good movie, not passable or just ok or not as bad as its reputation, but good.

Dolly Parton (The Best Little Whorehouse in Texas, music shit) plays Jake, a country music singer/songwriter who has a steady gig at The Rhinestone bar in NYC.  It’s a pretty big place that seems packed every night and the crowd is intense.  They go wild for Jake but if they don’t like you they’ll heckle and boo your ass outta there (an accurate depiction of a NYC horde by the way).  Jake works for the slimeball club owner Freddie Ugo (FU) (Ron Leibman (Slaughterhouse-five)) who’s constantly making gross passes at her trying to get her into bed.  Desperate to escape Freddie’s clutches Jake bets her contract that in two weeks she can turn any person off the street into a country singer.  Right on cue cab driver Nick (Stallone) crashes his ride right in front of them.  They’ve found their victim.

The film works on multiple levels.  First off the premise is silly and fun.  They keep the tone light by making Nick a good sport about the whole situation.  It’s important that Jake and Freddie discuss the bet with him and don’t try to trick him into something he doesn’t want to do.  However, to get Nick on board Freddie does have to promise to buy Nick a new cab.  And yes, Nick is attracted to Jake so that’s a factor as well.  What’s key though is all parties have their cards on the table.

Secondly, believe it or not Stallone and Parton have chemistry.  Dolly is charming as all hell by striking the perfect balance between being sweet when Nick follows her instructions and tough when he horses around.  She works really hard to whip Nick into shape.  She’s so dedicated they even go down to Tennessee where Parton puts him up in her own home so they can soak up the southern atmosphere and get away from any distractions.

And Sly plays up the lug headed New Yorker to a T.  He does the “hey yo” thing and makes a lot of sarcastic goofy jokes but he also sees the bet through and gives it a real shot.  At first he thinks country music is “like worse than liver” but comes around to respecting and liking it.  On paper Stallone and Parton sound like a train wreck but I swear they play off each other well.

Finally, the movie’s funny.  I’ve said before that I avoid comedies in general on this blob because humor is incredibly specific from one person to the next so all I can really say is I laughed out loud a bunch.  Parton gets in her one liners which are great (“the next time you feel romantic don’t call me, why don’t you try the city zoo!”) but it’s more about Stallone and the fish out of water setup that yields a good chunk of the comedy. 

There’s also the constant clash of NYC vs small southern town.  Like when Nick meets a local at a Tennessee bar the guy asks how the mob is doing and what it’s like to shoot up heroin.  Conversely Nick fails horribly at farm work and doesn’t know the proper way to eat southern food.

The thing I probably appreciate the most though is how they treat Stallone’s singing.  Normally in a film like this the lead would either dub his singing after he’d had lots of lessons or hire a professional to take over for him.  But in a tremendous move Stallone does all his own singing live on set and doesn’t pretty it up.  Like when Nick tries to sing at first he yells a rendition of “Tutti Frutti” and bops around all over the goddamn place.  It’s bad but exaggerated so much that it’s obviously played up as a joke.  The thing is his enthusiasm during his performances rubs off and you want to see him succeed and belt out a number with an equally passionate crowd cheering him on.  And by the end Nick improves but he’s still not a good singer really.  It’s the journey, not the end result.  It doesn’t matter that Nick didn’t become an amazing singer in two weeks because he grew as a person and gained some new friends along the way.  The movie doesn’t insult the audience and that’s fuckin’ awesome.

Everyone looks like they’re having a fantastic time making the movie.  The vibe is upbeat and easygoing.  It’s also diplomatic by showing good and bad qualities of both Tennesseeans and New Yorkers.  Jake is hard working and friendly but can sometimes let pride stand in her way.  Nick is daring and witty but also brash and can be stubborn.  The two bring out the best attributes in each other and form a bond from the experience.  That’s cool man.

I wanna say a lot of the hostility towards this picture comes from people who haven’t even seen the thing.  They look at the team up of Stallone and Parton, read the premise and prematurely decide it has to be total shit.  Now nine times out of ten that tends to be the case but this is that tenth time.  I may be alone out here but I don’t care, I’m down with Rhinestone.