Evil Dead (2013)

I wasn’t going to do this but I have to get this movie off my chest.  Some other cinema reviewers that I respect and admire gave the Evil Dead remake a favorable nod.  The reviews weren’t glowing but they said there was a bunch to like and that it was one of the better horror films in recent years.  So I figured what the hell, I’ll give it a look.  Well let me tell you, this was fucking terrible.  I hate to admit it but I think these folks I like to follow are getting soft.

First of all I’m a The Evil Dead fan (that’s a poorly worded sentence).  I’m like anyone else who’s seen the series and think the first one’s pretty good but Evil Dead 2 and Army of Darkness are genius.  However, the original was so creative and downright weird that even if the other two weren’t made it would still be a cult classic. 

The remake is just another schlocky horror picture that’s no different from most horror released today.  Starting with the characters and the acting, they’re very bland and forgettable.  You have your typical mix of twenty something guys and gals.  One has a little more attitude, another is a little more timid, one of the guys is kinda nerdy, the other is more of a leader type and who gives a fuck?  I didn’t care about anyone.  No one gives a good performance either.  There’s a lot of screaming and looking scared and that was fine.  But there were one or two times when things were supposed to be emotional that didn’t have anything to do with the horror stuff and they were handled poorly.  For example, the reason why these people are at the cabin is because they’re trying to help this one character, Mia, kick heroin cold turkey.  Her brother, David, is told fairly casually in a conversation that Mia overdosed not that long ago and that she even died for a short time before being revived.  David gives no reaction to this.  And I’m not exaggerating.  He just stares off with a blank expression and says something like “whoa” as flatly as possible.

And I can’t get over how atrocious the dialogue is.  Like when we’re first introduced to the characters they talk so unnaturally to each other to set up for the audience who these folks are.  They literally say shit like “hey teacher”, “you’re a doctor right?”, “this is my girl” and “hi brother”.  Maybe there wasn’t any dialogue written and the actors were told to improvise? 

But actually the whole script is bad.  One of the most confusing parts is when the girlfriend character turns into a demon but then abruptly turns back into a human and then just dies.  We never see her again and according to what happens previously this doesn’t make a lot of sense.  And who the hell left the book of the dead in the cabin?  I mean I know it was from that ceremony in the beginning but the old woman should’ve taken it with her for safekeeping so no one could accidentally summon demons.  That whole intro part was unnecessary by the way.  If the book was just there with all the skinned cats ‘n shit then it would’ve worked better.  There would be more mystery.  It’s not like that would’ve saved the movie but it would’ve been one less awful thing.  Also, nail guns don’t work that way and a jug of gasoline will not explode into a massive fireball if you shoot at it.       

Ok that last sentence was a little nitpicky (especially for someone who’s such a big action movie fan) but here’s what isn’t.  You could totally tell the old original stuff from the new remake stuff.  Anything good in this picture came from the original like the simple almost plot-less story, the fact that they can’t escape the cabin because the road’s out, the POV of the demon running through the woods, the totally bizarre tree raping scene, a chainsaw cutting a body in half vertically (although if I remember correctly that’s from Evil Dead 2), the Raimi-esque montage where David puts together a defibrillator, etc.  Compare that with the new stuff like sawing the side of your face off, stabbing the eyes with a syringe, shooting nails into various parts of the body, splitting a tongue with a utility knife, beating people with a crowbar, the nerdy teacher guy reads the words from the book of the dead aloud even though it says all over the thing “don’t read this” and “leave this book alone” and etc.  All the new elements are either shitty horror movie clichés, like the inept boring characters, or torture porn type stuff, like a close up of someone pulling a needle out of their eye.  And I mean that last bit as a negative (or at least not a positive) because personally I don’t find the really gruesome material scary.  It’s purely there for shock value so I have a hard time appreciating it.   

You know, there’s something to be said for subtlety.  Making the goriest and most graphic picture is what some people aspire to do and that’s fine.  If that’s your dream go for it.  The thing is I think there’s a limit.  Eventually you’re gonna get to the point where you might as well show a video of a real open heart surgery.  If you show the audience everything then there’s nothing left to the imagination.  You need to be smart about what you show and what you don’t show.  That’s why when that guy gets hit on the head in The Texas Chainsaw Massacre, gets dragged into the other room and Leatherface slams the door shut it’s so effective.  It’s a brief sequence and what you think is happening to that guy is worse than what they could actually show you.       

There was a conscious effort to use less CGI with this production which is fantastic but I gotta tell you, it didn’t feel like it very much.  The glossy, gritty, diluted colors that have been going on ever since the Ring and Texas Chainsaw Massacre remakes are all there.  It didn’t look or feel any different than what you see today so even though they used more practical effects they didn’t come through great.             

Now I know what you’re thinking, “This is just some stupid horror film, relax.  You’re supposed to have fun with it.”  This wasn’t really fun though.  Look, I can come up with a list of seven of the grossest, most horribly violent things I can imagine and string them together in a flimsy plot with mediocre dialogue and character development too.  And it’s not that everything needs to be very thoughtful but I didn’t really find anything interesting about this one.  The original doesn’t have a message or was meant to be this great piece of art.  But it is a great piece of art because of the ingenuity of the filmmakers and the willingness to make something different from what everyone else was doing at the time (slasher movies).  This remake is a generic modern horror picture, it’s not an exception.

All the complaining aside, what it comes down to is that the things I liked in the remake are all found in the original so there’s no reason for me to go back to this one.