Christmas in Connecticut (1945)

We still have a little while to go but what the hell, Merry Christmas!  May all ye blessed and joyful blah blah blah.  Alright enough of that.

I thought it would be fun to check out the only full length picture Arnold Schwarzenegger ever directed, a TV movie remake of Christmas in Connecticut done in 1992.  But to better understand where Arnie’s coming from I figured I ought to see the original first.  So here a goes.

The plot for the 1945 one is a goddamn disaster.  I tried over and over to explain it in writing but I just couldn’t do it.  I started to confuse even myself.  I then tried to draw a diagram but that didn’t work out either.  So I’ll make it overly simplistic for you guys.  Elizabeth Lane (Barbara Stanwyck (Double Indemnity)) is a food writer that pretends to know how to cook and lies about having a family and a farm in Connecticut.  The trick is she must manifest this deception in real life in order to save the job of her editor.  I left out so much shit but that’s the main idea.

And it’s a pretty bad movie.  There are so many plot holes and just weird behavior.  I mean it’s like I just said, Elizabeth and company pretend to have the farm, the family and all that stuff to help rescue some poor bastard’s job.  The guy’s only in the movie for maybe five minutes too so you don’t build a strong connection with him.  But I’ll tell ya, he’s got some damn good friends that are willing to stick their necks out for him.  What’s bizarrely missing from the plot is that Elizabeth’s job isn’t on the line.  Remember, she’s the main character here.  She’s just willing to take the hit.  Almost immediately when she’s put in this tough spot she’s ready to give it all up and marry some dude that she doesn’t love.  What the fuck?

Then there’s the Alexander Yardley character (Sydney Greenstreet (Casablanca)).  He’s the owner of the magazine that runs Elizabeth’s articles and he’s such a fucking asshole.  He doesn’t know she’s a fake and invites himself over to spend Christmas with her made up family in Connecticut.  That’s kinda rude right there, but later Yardley tells Elizabeth’s bogus husband that if they have a baby it will boost circulation.  How horrible is that?  This guy wants these two to have a kid so he can make some more money.  And not only that but Yardley insists that Elizabeth cook Christmas dinner even though Elizabeth came up with the, actually pretty good, excuse that it’s fucking Christmas and she wants a day off.  I mean the whole idea is that she can’t cook in the first place but who the fuck would tell their host “no, you’re gonna cook my meals because I want it that way”.  This guy is terrible.

Also I think the fake husband character, Sloan (who is also the person Elizabeth agrees to marry for real), is made out to be a bad guy but I don’t really see it.  He doesn’t treat her that badly.  Like he doesn’t beat her or fuckin’ yell at her all the time or some shit.  Sloan’s a bit stiff and a penny pincher but a bad person?  I don’t think so. 

Although it’s really strange that Sloan feels the need to marry Elizabeth as soon as humanly possible.  He and Elizabeth sneak around trying to get it done during the whole deception in Connecticut scheme.  Why?  What’s the fucking rush?  Just do it the day after Christmas or something when the guests you’re trying to scam have left and you don’t have to worry about them.

This was a very frustrating movie to watch.  As of this writing it has a 7.2 on IMDB.  I don’t get it.  It’s not that fun or entertaining.  The whole thing is so convoluted and contrived.  The filmmakers tried so fucking hard to create a wacky situation but there’s no reason for any of it.  Elizabeth’s articles are incredibly popular so I don’t think Yardley is gonna have a problem with it all being made up.  In fact at the end of the picture when the sham is revealed he totally doesn’t give a fuck.  He’s even willing to double her salary. 

There’s also this war hero character, Jones (doubling as the true love interest), that Elizabeth also needs to fool for some very forced reason.  But just like Yardley he doesn’t seem to care when the truth is exposed.  Jones is actually happy because it means Elizabeth isn’t really married and he can shack up with her. 

So in the end it turned out all of this shit had no consequences.  Fuck this movie.