Die Hard: A Few Thoughts

Yea I know this is late but what the hell.  Die Hard, oh boy.  Since this thing has been analyzed to death by many many people that are all much smarter than I, all I have to offer are these small number of items I noticed upon re-upping this past Christmas season.  And by the way, it really is possibly the best action movie ever made.  It’s not necessarily my top favorite but it certainly has such tremendous presence and near flawless execution that I can’t help but feel like a wide eyed excitable little kid every time I throw it on.

Alright enough of that shit, here are some pointless thoughts:

• McTiernan and de Bont’s camera movements are really crazy at times.  The camera is very graceful with easy flowing maneuvers, even during the action scenes.  The movie feels big and the way it was shot has a ton to do with that.  But the movements never call attention to themselves.  They interact beautifully with the actors, the tone of the scene, the sets, etc.  It’s hard to give examples on this in writing but just keep this note in the back of your mind next time you watch.

• There’s a lot of lens flare in this film and honestly I’m not really a fan.  It may not be J.J. Abrams (Star Trek Into Darkness) level but there’s a whole bunch.

• Two of the bad guys survive this fiasco.  Of course we know Theo gets knocked the fuck out by my man Argyle (De’voreaux White (Trespass (1992))).  But there’s also the guy that gets knocked to the ground spilling bonds across the floor by McClane right before he faces Gruber.  I bet those two assholes went to jail.

• When Al Powell (Reginald VelJohnson (Die Hard 2)) is checking out the lobby of Nakatomi there’s one shot where he starts to walk down the hallway to the elevators but stops because he figures he’s seen enough.  On the left side of the screen there’s a blurry image of one of the bad guys holding his gun waiting for Powell.  I never noticed this nice detail before.  Maybe it was because of the pan and scan VHS tape I had all these years and this time I saw it on glorious Blu Ray where now I have the full frame?  I dunno.

• Ellis is a coke man.  He not only does coke but he also drinks a Coke when he attempts to negotiate with Gruber.  I’m sure I’m not the 730 millionth person to pick up on that shit.

• Gruber hums Beethoven’s “Ode to Joy” while riding in the elevator with Joe Takagi which plays later at full blast when they finally break into the vault.  And in that same scene when Gruber comments on Tagaki’s handsome suit he mentions that he hears (Yasser) Arafat buys the same brand.  At this point in history it’s an interesting dated reference.

• This year I got around to reading “Nothing Lasts Forever” by Roderick Thorpe which Die Hard is based on.  Admittedly it took me a little while to get into it but I have a hard time reading fiction in general.  About a third of the way through though I was captivated.  The similarities and differences were fascinating to uncover.  This isn’t going to be a book review or comparison of any sort but I do wanna point out that this picture owes everything to Thorpe’s novel.  Not only the basic premise but numerous details were taken from the book including bare feet, “now I have a machine gun”, Christmas, dumping a dead body out the building, tossing plastic explosives down an elevator shaft and a lot more.  I think I have to agree with practically everything the film changed though, which was a good goddamn chunk of stuff.  The movie is more fun with a lot of humor that was added and a lot of horrifyingly brutal deaths being left out.  The book gets very political as well but in sort of an ambiguous way.  Thorpe throws so much out there for you to ponder with regards to the actions the characters take without making a clear judgment.  But if you’re as big a Die Hard fan as I am (and I think you might be if you read this far into the piece) I would recommend picking the book up.

Well we made it through another year guys.  Not sure about you but it was a weird one for me.  Anyway, I hope you had a good holiday and that New Year’s is a blast (please be safe, don’t rob a money train or nothin’).  I’ll catch you on the flip side.  Take care now.  Bye bye.  See ya.  Later.

Jack Frost & Jack Frost 2: Revenge of the Mutant Killer Snowman

Jack Frost

Jack Frost is a captured serial killer that’s being transported on the road when they crash into an experimental genetic chemical truck.  The new substance gets all over Jack and his DNA bonds with the snow so now he’s an evil snowman on the loose.  He can melt and refreeze at will which means he can get under doors and into most places.  He can also shoot icicles from his body impaling his victims.  Frost takes his revenge on the town where he was eventually captured, Snowmonton (love that name), by killing everything in sight.

This is a pretty relentless movie that has a high body count.  All of the deaths are kinda gruesome with one of the worst being handed out to an innocent woman.  Jack smashes her face in glass ornaments with some rubbing around to make sure all the shards tear her the fuck up.  He then wraps her in lights and shoves her in the Christmas tree.  Damn.  Everyone else this thing murders is an asshole of some sort but this woman hasn’t done shit.  In fact all she was doing was grieving over her lost son (who Jack killed earlier!), so what the fuck gives movie?

But don’t get me wrong, overall there’s a fun time in here.  I saw this when it came out in 1997 and it’s goofier but also more cohesive than I remember.  The story is tight, there’s a huge effort to cram as much Christmas shit in here as possible, the kills are varied with some inventive ones (death by freeze rape?) and how the townspeople take out Jack is really clever.  The filmmakers also made sure to put a snowman somewhere in every scene, practically every shot.  It may be a decoration, a toy, an ornament, a Pez dispenser, an actual snowman, whatever, they found a way to do it.  Bravo.

One thing I didn’t remember though is that this picture is low budget as shit.  They clearly filmed this someplace not cold because you don’t see anyone’s breath and the fake snow is well, absurdly fake.  Some of the actors kick up the edge of the flap of the “snow” lying on the ground a few time.  And the killer snowman comes alive mostly through editing and a few bits of puppetry.  They must not have been able to afford to make an animatronic I guess.  There are also the typical trappings of a low budget production like bad dialogue, bad acting, nonsensical behavior, not the best cinematography, etc.

But hey if you want a Christmas horror movie that’s proud of who it is, what it’s trying to accomplish and is pretty off the wall this might be for you.

Jack Frost 2: Revenge of the Mutant Killer Snowman

I guess a few people liked ol’ Jack so here we are.  This time scientists bring him back (we never find out why by the way) and he escapes to get his revenge on the Snowmonton sheriff that bested him a year earlier.  They eventually duke it out on a tropical island where the sheriff and his wife are vacationing for Christmas.  That’s right, they went tropical for number two which puts this film in such illustrious company as Weekend at Bernie’s II, The Hangover II, Speed 2: Cruise Control (this one doesn’t exactly fit but it’s close enough) and National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation 2: Cousin Eddie’s Island Adventure.

Surprisingly Jack isn’t in this as much, at least as we’ve come to know him.  His first five or six victims are attacked while he’s in a melted state with the ability to form ice to deliver the deathblow whenever needed.  So first off the filmmakers seemed to make him more powerful than before because he’s essentially invincible as deadly water that can go anywhere (even across oceans).  In the original he couldn’t really do much when he was melted.  His mobility was somewhat limited and he had to refreeze fully to actually kill someone.

But the other thing is we’re introduced to new creatures that take over the mayhem for the last half hour.  They’re snowball critters that, like Jack, can’t be destroyed by almost anything, including heat.  Their affinity for destruction, the sheer number of them and their silly behavior makes them fairly strong Gremlin rip offs.  I wanna say this is supposed to be an homage because of how overt it is.  If it’s not then that’s kinda bad. 

I also don’t know if the snowballs were a way to cut back on Jack for budget reasons (the snowballs are static figures in many shots) or if it was purely a creative decision.  Either way these things are mostly annoying, although I appreciate the effort to try to change it up.

I can’t recommend this one.  It’s harder to watch than the first in every way.  The budget is seemingly lower, they went for more laughs (unsuccessfully in my opinion), the script is much worse, the effects are sorta bad overall and the deaths are stupidly comical.  Please don’t see this.

The Music Man

Harold Hill (Robert Preston (The Last Starfighter)) is a con artist salesman that targets a small Iowan town as his next score.  Actually he’s sorta forced into this particular location because he was traveling on a train with legit merchant peddlers and they want to wring his neck for ruining their business.  So Hill high tails it to River City and immediately stirs up controversy by demonizing the newly installed pool table.  It causes nothing but trouble he says.  With that seed planted in folks minds he insists that a boys marching band is the solution to getting back on the pure and righteous track.  Naturally (almost) everyone goes for it and they order instruments and uniforms from Hill.  He also claims he can teach the kids how to play the instruments and will lead the band.

So the scheme comprises of Hill making money off the sales of the instruments and uniforms and then skipping town leaving the swindled public behind with empty pockets, right?  Wrong.  Shockingly Hill actually delivers on the brass and band outfits!  What he doesn’t deliver on is the supposed knowledge that he knows how to play the damn things and conduct a band.  I guess the assumption is no one will ever learn how to play the instruments and therefore never get to proudly display their uniforms so it’s like these people just pissed their money down the drain?  Is that what makes this whole idea devilishly conniving?  Is it just me or is this a totally bizarre plan?

This kinda needs to be broken down a little bit.  First of all Hill makes genuine sales.  He takes the orders, gets the money, gives the people their shit and takes his cut.  Sure the way the sonuvabitch pitches his wares is pretty slimy by either insisting everyone is a natural musician or getting them intensely excited at the prospect of being involved with the marching band.  But this isn’t any different from a lot of salesman.  They pick an angle and exploit it or flatter you do death.  Hey, they’re trying to move their merchandise.

Second, just because Hill doesn’t know shit about music doesn’t mean the people can’t learn how to play from someone else.  In fact the love interest, Marian (Shirley Jones (Two Rode Together)), is a librarian.  Oh, and a music teacher.  Almost forgot where I was going with that.  Anyway, why can’t she teach and conduct the band?

And third, even if some folks are out a couple of bucks that doesn’t appear to be a problem.  We’re never lead to believe that the townspeople are dead ass broke and that they can’t afford food or clothing and then get scammed into spending what little they do have on musical instruments.  Everyone seems to be doing ok.  Go ahead, splurge a bit.

As far as I can tell Hill doesn’t really do anything illegal.  Broken promises?  Yea.  I dunno.

Eventually we learn that Hill’s true gift to the community is he brings excitement and happiness (albeit accidentally) to an otherwise drab existence.  I mean before the possibility of having a marching band the most thrilling thing the town had was that brand new pool table.  But they condemn it out of the gate so really all they have to pin their enjoyment on now is the band.

The plot is weird but it’s a very pretty movie to look at with a wonderfully lavish production.  There are plenty of bright vibrant colors used and a multitude of grand shots during the big music scenes.  Robert Preston is excellent in the lead with his quick smooth delivery and confident buoyant choreography.  And Shirley Jones holds her own as a brassy dame on the outside that tends to quiver beneath the surface more and more as she falls for Hill.

One thing I have to say though is there are too many music numbers.  This film is two and a half hours long and it’s bloated to all hell with song after song.  Some even get repeated more than once.  I swear not two minutes go by and then someone starts belting out yet another piece.  The movie was based on a play and maybe it works better in that medium but for a picture some cuts desperately needed to be made.  And what’s odd is the story doesn’t feel fleshed out enough.  Certain plot elements could’ve been reinforced and made clearer while, at the same time, other parts could’ve been streamlined.

The music in The Music Man definitely takes priority over the story, go figure.  And if you’re into the tunes like “76 Trombones” and “Till There Was You” (yes Beatlemaniacs that “Till There Was You” which originates here (well, the ’57 play…you get what I’m saying)) you’ll probably forgive any missteps or yell at your screen that some asshole on the interweb has no idea what he’s talking about (you’re not wrong by the way).  I guess what I’m trying to say is I wish the plot made more sense and there was a better balance between dialogue and song scenes.

Look it pains me to say this because a friend of mine adores this film but I don’t think this is great.  There are very nice moments (the three biggest numbers (“76 Trombones”, “Marian the Librarian” and “Shipoopi”) are a lot of fun) but overall I found it a little tedious.  And it was hard for me to get on board with the con Hill hatches because the angle is so strange.  Harry, after you get the sap’s money DON’T use some of it to hold up your end of the deal and buy actual instruments.  Pocket the dough and slip out of town when no one’s looking.  Now that’s how you scam someone buddy.

Arachnophobia

Frank Marshall is one of those mega producers.  He helped bring awesome shit to the silver screen like The Warriors, the Indiana Joneses, the Back to the Futureses, the Gremlinses and etc.  He co-found Amblin Entertainment with Steven Spielberg and Kathleen Kennedy, and was also second unit man on a bunch of Spielberg’s stuff.  The guy has had success a million times over but in the late 80’s he decided it was time to direct something.  With his stature Frank must’ve had the pick of the litter.  What would he make, an epic special effects adventure extravaganza?  An epic heart wrenching period drama?  An epic multi-world spanning tale?  A spider invasion movie?  Come again?

Yeah, he went with killer spiders.  Who the fuck would have ever guessed that?  Well it’s probably a safe bet to say Marshall and co pitched this premise as the Jaws of spider pictures.  You have the transplant local guy (Jeff Daniels (The Martian, Speed)) whose small town is being ravaged by a giant lethal spider, he calls in the expert scientist(s) (Brian McNamara (Short Circuit) & Julian Sands (Warlock)), and the deranged professional (John Goodman (Flight)), and they go to war with the arachnid.  It’s a solid idea that’s worked well before and wouldn’t you know it, the damn idea works well here.

However one thing they do that Jaws stayed away from for the most part is they anthropomorphized the main villain spider perhaps a bit too much.  This thing gets pissed when humans collect his family/soldiers in the Amazon jungle so he kills one of the expeditionists and hitches a ride with the corpse all the way to the states.  He then proceeds to setup shop in an old barn and sends his minions out to kill the residents of a small Californian town.  It just seems like the spider is kinda too smart.  In Jaws the humans invade the shark’s space so the fish was only doin’ what it does.  In Arachnophobia the spider ventures where it isn’t supposed to (can a Venezuelan spider survive in a California climate anyway?) and that’s a little harder to get behind.  The story would make more sense if it took place entirely in South America but they knew the film would be more effective if they moved the events to an environment North Americans could easily relate to.  You know, cottage style houses and football fields and Wheel of Fortune ‘n’ shit.

As far as the scares go holy shit do the filmmakers fuck with a ton of people’s very common fear of spiders.  A big part of the creepiness is that there could be a deadly one RIGHT BEHIND YOU!  (Admit it, you at least thought about checking to see if there was a spider the size of Andre the Giant’s hand sneaking up on you.)  They pull out all the stops man.  A spider could attack you anytime anywhere: when you turn off a lamp, put on a shoe, in your shower, under your toilet, the motherfuckers could be in your goddamn food for Christ’s sake.  There is no safe space.  You can’t even lock yourself in a room because they can go under the door or come out the sink or anywhere else.  Jeez.

There’s also other unsettling shit like humungous webs with dead animal parts stuck in them and getting that web stuck all over your fucking face!  And don’t forget about the vomit inducing crunch you hear when a spider is squashed under a boot (plus the slimy gooey remnants it leaves behind).

I have to believe this is the best that a killer spider movie can get (although I haven’t seen Kingdom of the Spiders yet).  It’s very Spielbergian partly because he produced but also because Marshall had been working with him for almost ten years at that point.  So there’s plenty of that trademarked humor mixed in to relieve all the tension from the nasty bits which is very welcomed.  They seemed to use real spiders for a lot of the shots but it’s obvious when they’re using a puppet for the main gigantic one.  And they didn’t go for a T-Rex sized sonuvabitch like in the 50’s or 60’s which was a good move.  They stuck to normal sized arachnids but punched it up with the one very big one and in pure numbers with the smaller ones.  They weren’t afraid to show the spiders off and I appreciate that because it would’ve been lame to hold back on this concept.  There are a lot of fucking spiders everywhere in real life so go hog wild, er, spider wild?

Franky picked a weird one to make for his big debut but like I said, I think he saw an opportunity to do a Jaws meets The Birds type movie.  You know, give this creature its proper due.  The picture wasn’t quite as big as either of those but it did pretty well at the box office and with reviews ‘n’ shit.  In the end the film accomplished what it was supposed to, make a couple of bucks, be entertaining and remind you why you fucking hate spiders.

As a side note Marshall wouldn’t fare so well a few years later with killer gorillas in Congo and then have even less success with murderous huskies in Eight Below after that.

Anyway I’m not afraid to admit I got that arachnophobia.  It ain’t paralyzing or nothing but those things are hard for me to take.  So it’s all the more a wonder that this last viewing was probably my fourth or fifth.  It’s a fun time, but also one of the freakiest.