Waterworld

There are some movies that are pure summer to me and Waterworld is one of them.  The beautiful warm clear weather, the tropical bright blue water, the big budget popcorn flick-ness and you get my point.  This movie gets so much shit but I could never quite put my finger on why.  I was never a big fan of it but there wasn’t one obvious thing you could point to that painted a clear picture of what was so wrong with the film.  Well let’s dive in (get it?) and try to figure this the fuck out.

We open with the narrator telling us that in the future the polar ice caps have melted and we can see for ourselves that Earth has become a bonafide Waterworld now.  The narrator doesn’t give us any more info than that but at least we know it’s the future of our own world and not some other planet far far away or some shit. 

Then we meet our main character…uhh…water…guy?  We never actually learn his name but IMDb lists him as Mariner so I’ll go with that.  It’s risky (and ok, a little cool) to not give your hero a name.  Sure it can work like in the man with no name series (A Fistful of Dollars, For a Few Dollars More, The Good, the Bad and the Ugly) but ultimately you want your lead to have some sort of name, even John or Jack like almost every action hero from the 80’s and 90’s.  Whatever, Mariner is a loner.  He just drifts around the ocean trading with passing ships and going from one manmade atoll to another.  He doesn’t talk a lot and when he does he doesn’t mess around.  These are all good points.  The beef I have is he’s too underdeveloped.  We don’t even know if he’s haunted by his past because we don’t know anything about his background at all.  He doesn’t smoke, drink, gamble, have lots of sex or fall victim to any vice or bad behavior.  Well, he can be rude sometimes but that’s only when people are rude to him first.  Bottom line is he’s uninteresting.  Mariner may not think twice about killing a dude, but aside from that standard action movie character feature there’s no real edge to the guy.  By the end I felt like I didn’t know him all that well or that I’d want to go on another adventure with him.  He’s just kinda there.  Kevin Costner (Swing Vote) went for stoicism, which I’m down with, but he forgot to add depth to the character and that’s sort of an important thing to leave out in my opinion.

Let’s talk about this universe for a minute.  In Waterworld people have huddled together in tribes.  But these tribes aren’t split along racial lines like you would think.  Instead it’s divided between smokers and, well, nonsmokers I suppose.  Slavers are mentioned twice but that’s it.  We never find out a single solitary thing about those folks, except that they may or may not be bad guys.  Anyway, there are more differences between the smokers and nonsmokers besides cigarettes (which happen to be the only things that smokers light up by the way.  Wouldn’t a pipe be a more practical approach?  Because if a pipe gets wet it won’t, you know, be ruined beyond repair like a cig).  Smokers like to use vehicles powered by engines, nonsmokers do not; smokers have guns, nonsmokers have spears, knives and other non-explosive type shit; the smokers are governed by a dictator, the nonsmokers are governed by some sort of council.

But of course the real question is why are people who smoke cigarettes and ride on jet skis the bad guys?  I have no goddamn clue.  There isn’t really the message of technology=bad here because Mariner uses fancy mechanical rigs all the fucking time and the bumbling yet loveable mad scientist character, Gregor (Michael Jeter (Tango & Cash)), built an electric generator that powers the lights in the atoll at night.  Mariner even rides a jet ski at the end that helps him on his mission.

Where did they get the gas for the engines anyway?  Dennis Hopper (Swing Vote) and his henchmen use a humungous oil tanker (it’s funny that they had it be the ol’ Exxon Valdez), with a fairly large supply of oil still left in it, as their base of operations.  But you need to refine that shit.  You can’t just pour crude oil in your gas tank.  So either they figured out how to refine it or they modified the engines to run on something else.  I wonder if they came up with similar technology to what Doc Brown invented in Back to the Future Part II where the engines run on garbage.  That would be very convenient as there’s apparently tons of it around?  I’ll get back to that thought in a minute.

Another thing that isn’t explained are the guns.  Specifically what I’m talking about is the gunpowder and shell casings.  We never find out where they come from.  Did the smokers make them themselves or did they stumble across a massive cache?  Really it’s pretty stupid that guns are in here at all.  I mean we’re in a world where there is no land (for the most part) so you would think guns would be out.  But no, they stuck ‘em in anyway.

The gas powered vehicles, the guns, the cigarettes and almost everything else in the movie is part of an overall problem with the script.  It’s childish and dumbed down.  The action scenes should’ve been all hand to hand combat and knife fights but the filmmakers and the studio felt that wouldn’t be exciting enough.  There need to be guns and explosions because that’s what people like, right?  They can’t all ride around on sail boats and paddle boats either, that’s boring.  So speedy gas powered boats exist here.  And the bad guys smoke because, well, it looks a little menacing, sorta, not really.  You also have a protagonist who’s pretty much infallible and who’s developed the superhuman ability to breathe underwater somehow.

It’s like a seven-year-old’s idea of how this universe should go.  What’s the opposite of water?  Dirt.  So that means it’s the most valuable thing in Waterworld.  Paper is another rare commodity because it’s easily destroyed by water.  Also, from the movie’s perspective everyone’s surrounded by sea water so fresh water is scarce and they can only get some when it rains or something.  All of these items are just absolutely fucking thoughtless.  Dirt and paper should have very little value to these people as they can’t really plant anything and if water is everywhere then that wouldn’t make paper a good record keeping device.  And fresh water shouldn’t be an issue.  The citizens of Waterworld clearly never saw The Voyage of the Mimi where they show you how to make fresh water from salt water using only primitive materials.  Everyone should have their own solar still and an ample supply of fresh water.  Although, finding fresh water doesn’t figure into the plot, like at all.  So, whatever.

I’m gonna go to bullet points for a while because there are still so many things I want to mention and this will be the most efficient way:

·         The atoll being so gigantic and fortified is yet another thing that doesn’t make much sense.  How did something like that get built?  Where did the materials and the tools come from?  This is what I was talking about with all the junk lying around.  We don’t see that the ocean is filled with endless amounts of crap floating on the surface.  Instead it’s pristine looking water for miles in every direction.  Not one piece of scrap metal in sight (so I guess someone didn’t invent that BTTF garbage fueled engine after all). 

·         The movie probably could’ve started with Mariner at sea for a minute and then arriving at the atoll.  Of course we wouldn’t get a demonstration that this guy is a badass sonuvabitch that will kill (or leave you for dead) if you cross him.  And yes yes, we wouldn’t see a dude filtering and then drinking his own piss but that could’ve easily been worked in almost anywhere else.

·         While the opening scene isn’t totally necessary it’s still fine in the overall scheme of things.  However, the scene where the sun baked nut job sells Mariner paper and then buys some time with Jeanne Tripplehorn (The Firm, Basic Instinct) is completely unnecessary.  It doesn’t further the plot (looking for dry land and/or fighting smokers) or bring up crucial character development.  We already know that Mariner is cool with Jeanne and Enola because even though he’s threatened to kill them (in so many words) he still lets them tag along on his boat.  You can totally tell he likes them and that they’re all growing to be good friends.  We also know that Mariner will kill a motherfucker if need be.  He killed at least one smoker dude back at the atoll and beat the shit out of a bunch of others.  The nut job doesn’t give Mariner anything that will help him find dry land later either.  So this scene is 100% superfluous and should’ve been cut out.

·         After Mariner’s boat gets destroyed and Enola is captured Mariner and Jeanne have sex.  Why?  Beats the hell outta me.

·         Mariner goes after Enola (Tina Majorino (Napoleon Dynamite, Andre)) at the end because…she’s his friend.  That’s it.  He doesn’t have a stake in finding dry land because he’s adapted to the water with his gills and webbed feet, he doesn’t say he wants her back so that the atoll survivors can find dry land, and while he isn’t friendly with the smokers he isn’t hellbent on their destruction either.  He simply wants to rescue his friend.  This was probably too damn saccharine for most people to take, including myself.

·         Remember when Mariner holds a burning flare over a tube on the oil tanker at the end?  How did he know the tube he’s standing next to leads to a pit filled with oil?  And even if he did know something was down there how does he know what oil is or that it’ll burn?  Ok so even if he knew about oil and that it would cause an explosion how did he know he wouldn’t kill himself and Enola in the process?  There are a lot of assumptions in that scene.

·         What gas is Gregor’s airship thingy filled with that makes it fly?  And where did he get it?  (By the way it doesn’t look like he uses hot air so I’m ruling that out)

·         Almost every smoker vehicle explodes when it hits something.

·         Why the fuck are the directions to dry land so goddamn cryptic?  When they finally find out how to read Enola’s tattoo they realize that the coordinates are the opposite of what’s really written.  Either you want people to find this small piece of land or you don’t.  Make it something simple and spell it out if you want help.  Otherwise don’t put some enigmatic tattoo on the back of your kid that people may or may not be able to figure out.

·         It’s easy to miss but Enola is essentially supposed to be Moses.  They mention that she was found in a basket (presumably floating around the ocean for a little while), she has a prophetic message etched on her back and she eventually leads people to the Promised Land (dry land).  This angle is extremely underplayed though and I wonder if the religious allegories were originally more prominent.

·         Why would Enola’s folks send their child off to an almost certain death?  I guess they were the last humans left on the island and wanted to see if there was anyone else out there but why not send a different message of some kind?  You know, one that doesn’t involve your baby having to deliver it personally.

Post-apocalyptic flicks are tricky.  They tend to be big hits or big bombs.  On one hand you have The Hunger Games, Wall-E, Planet of the Apes and The Mad Max series.  But then on the other hand you have The Book of Eli, Reign of Fire, Battlefield Earth and, well, The Postman.  It seems that the post-apocalypse isn’t something that everyone can get on board with.  I think there’s a sharp divide between people that are into the aftermath of the destruction of the world as we know it and people that just flat out aren’t.

I don’t want you guys to get confused with films that show the apocalypse itself.  No matter the form it takes, nuclear war, disease, monkeys, most folks seem to be totally cool with that.  After all that shit happens though you better soup up a car and pimp it to the hilt with weapons movie because you’re on your own.

One of the main gripes after watching Waterworld this time is that despite being over two hours long they sure don’t explain much.  There’s too much just accepting that this is the way things are.  They wanted to have their big action set pieces, which I can totally understand, but they’re gonna go to waste if you don’t paint a rich enough picture.  We don’t know the backstory to any of the characters except Enola.  Hell I don’t even know anyone’s name, again besides Enola.  Ok and maybe Gregor but that’s it.  There’s no real context for anything.  It’s all so flat and underdeveloped. 

This isn’t to say that the movie doesn’t have its fun moments.  The big fight scene on the oil tanker at the end is an alright time and the atoll attack scene is probably the best part of the picture.  It’s during these sequences that you can understand, and maybe even appreciate, why this thing was made.  It’s a spectacle, a big summer blockbuster with some huge sets, stars and action.  Sure we would all like something more thoughtful and absorbing but at times Waterworld can be pretty impressive, at least production-wise.  Plus I dig the soundtrack, especially that main theme.  It’s a real shame that such an adventurous and exciting theme got buried under the massive amount of criticism the rest of the film got.

Ok fine, so I piled on the criticism myself with this rambling review.  The concept is cool ‘n’ all but man, they fucked it up.  It’s just too simplistic and childish in its approach.  The stunt show at Universal Studios Hollywood works better than the movie does.  I’d say catch that if you happen to be there.

A little addendum here, apparently there was a ton of footage shot for Waterworld that didn’t make the final cut.  Well someone did us a favor and put all that shit together to make The Ulysses Cut.  It runs about three hours and includes extended scenes as well as scenes that were cut entirely.  The only caveat is that it was pieced together from television broadcasts that aired over the years so it’s censored.  But if you’re interested it exists.

Lionheart Setup

When I re-upped on this the other day it made me realize how goddamn fucking huge and ridiculous the setup is.  Lyon (Van Damme) has to break out of the French Foreign Legion in northern Africa (Djibouti to be specific), travel across a desert by jeep and eventually foot, stowaway on a ship, when he gets to the edge of Manhattan he jumps out and swims the last bit to actually reach land, he enters and wins several underground fights so he can get some money and finally fly to LA to see his sister-in-law and niece.  It takes him a full thirty minutes of running time to make it to his ultimate destination.

I mean look at the shit the filmmakers felt they had to go through to explain why our main character is French (or Belgian).  If he were American there wouldn’t be any of this.  He would just have to break out of some army base near or in California and then do underground fighting to help support his sister-in-law and niece.

You should check out Lionheart not only for the setup that goes the extra mile but also because it’s one of Van Damme’s best and it’s also one of the best tournament fighting movies.  I love the different locations they use for each fight and there’s some heavy drama during the last brawl with more than just money on the line.  See it. 

Mish Mash 7 (Enemy, Nomads, Ministry of Vengeance, Ferris Bueller Fight Club Theory)

Enemy

Denis Valle’s Prisoners was one of my favorite (or maybe my favorite) movie that came out last year.  He managed to pull off what so many other filmmakers futilely attempt, a classic whodunit thriller with excellent build up and an ending that actually didn’t make me slap my forehead.  While that picture was straight forward Enemy is pretty abstract, at least in concept.  I mean what’s with the spiders?  Or anything for that matter?

The plot sounds interesting on paper, a mild mannered guy (Jake Gyllenhaal (Bubble Boy)) sees his perfect double in a movie and decides to track him down, but the execution is languid.  Everything takes a long time to happen and then when the two finally meet it’s very anticlimactic.   

I feel like there might not be anything to this one, that it might be weird for weird’s sake.  I dunno.  I don’t get it.

Nomads

This was John McTiernan’s first film and boy is it not very good.  I’ve been on somewhat of a McTiernan kick and had to check out his first effort.  The story of a haunted anthropologist (Pierce Brosnon (The Lawnmower Man)) and doctor (Lesley-Ann Down (Death Wish V: The Face of Death)) didn’t sound that appealing to me but the completest in me had to give it a look. 

The whole thing can probably best be summed up as “why?” because I asked myself that an awful lot during and after the movie.  Why is the anthropologist French?  Why do the nomads target the anthropologist?  Why does the doctor get infected with the anthropologist’s spirit and not the anthropologist’s wife?  Why is the doctor and her side of the story in this movie at all?  And there are a million more.

The thing is all of these questions have to do with the script and not really anything else.  And that’s why this movie being sorta bad stings a little extra, because McTirenan wrote the damn thing.  Wisely he never wrote anything else.

It’s kinda strange that this is what got him the Predator gig.  Nomads is shot fairly well and has a quick moving plot but doesn’t hint at how masterful of a filmmaker he would become.  Yet, someone saw something in it and in John boy.  I sure am glad. 

Ministry of Vengeance

Man is this movie full of surprises.  Just look at the supporting cast: Ned Beatty (The Unholy), James Tolkan (Principal Strickland from Back to the Future), George Kennedy (Creepshow 2), Yaphet Kotto (The Running Man) and Apollonia (Prince protégé).  Jeez Louise.  They’re all fun to watch too, especially Tolkan as the tough as nails drill sergeant/mentor.  He’s right at home in this type of role.

As for the rest of it, it was alright.  Usually with these low budget 80’s B action films they’re either very entertaining or very boring.  There isn’t much that lands in the middle.  A lot of A pictures are just ok because there’s some competency involved but not all of the pieces come together.  With B movies either its unintentionally funny or actually well done.  Ministry of Vengeance is a rare B middle grounder though.  It’s all put together just fine and the pacing is quite good, but a bunch of the acting and some of the plot elements aren’t great.

I still liked it though.  It makes sense surprisingly.  A priest really is out to serve up some vengeance to the terrorist that murdered his wife and daughter.  He’s a Vietnam vet, so that explains how he knows how to use a gun and his connection to friends that help him along the way.  He’s also conflicted about his faith which is a very important aspect to have here because it makes the lead a stronger and deeper character.

This one isn’t anything special but I had fun. 

On a side note this was a long time coming.  Many many years ago (over ten at this point) my buds and I picked up a VHS copy of Ministry of Vengeance because it looked like it would be a good time.  We never saw it, but at least I finished what we (never actually) started back then.  

Ferris Bueller Fight Club Theory

A friend told me this theory floating around on the internet about Ferris Bueller’s Day Off.  The idea is that Cameron and Ferris are the same person.  Ferris is the alter ego of Cameron like how Tyler Durden is Ed Norton’s (we never learn his character’s name) alternate personality in Fight Club.  Cameron becomes everything he isn’t though Ferris, outgoing, clever, brash, confident, etc.

It’s a very interesting way to look at the characters and the film as a whole.  I don’t buy it personally though and don’t believe for a second that this was John Hughes’ intention.  The more you think about it the more the theory falls apart.  One of the biggest problem is that Sloane addresses both Cameron and Ferris separately throughout the movie.  But even if she’s in Cameron’s head too there’s Ed Rooney and the entire school believing that Ferris is a real person with a sister and parents and a house and all that.

So this one doesn’t really hold water.  It’s a fun thing to think about though.

The Panic in Needle Park

Bobby (Al Pacino (The Devil’s Advocate)) is a heroin addict with no prospects, a kind of annoying personality and not a possession in the world besides the clothes on his back.  Yet, Helen (Kitty Winn (The Exorcist)) falls head over heels in love with him.  She finds him and his lifestyle fascinating and eventually becomes a heroin junkie herself.  This is a tragic and fucking awesome movie guys.

If you’re looking for a hardcore heroin film then this is for you.  There’s a lot of shooting up, coming down from a high, trying to score shit, finding ways to get money and everything else that comes with the territory.  The entire time you’re slightly on edge because either someone’s so fucked up that they can barely sit up or there isn’t enough money or dope to go around.

Pacino is great as the lowlife Bobby.  He steals TVs, rips off local stores and treats Helen like shit.  It’s Bobby first all the time.  Pacino is known for playing bossy, confident loudmouths but he can also play a dimwitted, directionless loudmouth.  He plays a similar character in Dog Day Afternoon which is one of his best performances.  So it’s no surprise that this is too.  At first you want to know what it’s like to be part of his world but after a while you realize that there isn’t a lot of mystery and there certainly isn’t any glamour.  Helen finds that out when she has to support her own habit and gets slapped around and yelled at by Bobby.  That last part nobody really wants to see but of course you take him back so you can find out where the addiction takes this couple next.  This is classic abusive relationship behavior and Pacino plays his part pretty perfectly.

Winn also does a bang up job.  We see the movie through Helen’s eyes so we start out curious, then interested, and finally totally hooked just like her.  I don’t exactly know what she sees in Bobby though.  He does irritating shit like hiding behind things and surprising her but that isn’t charming if you ask me.  I think it’s the bad boy thing.  You know, how almost every chick falls for the bad boy and thinks she can change him?  Well this is that, except I don’t think Helen wants to change Bobby.  She likes him the way he is.  Well, except for when he calls her a whore.  It didn’t look like she was into that.

I guess the strange thing is we’re supposed to identify with Helen and always be on her side.  She seems wholesome and innocent even though we don’t know much about her before she meets Bobby.  One of the few things we do know is that she’s from Indiana which reinforces the naïve innocent notion.  We’re introduced to her while she’s having some sort of medical issue.  We’re never told what exactly and I’m not even sure what to infer.  Whatever, what I’m trying to say is I was constantly asking myself throughout the picture, “what the fuck are you doing?”  Again, we know very little about her background but she seems too sweet to get involved with a guy hooked on heroin and then heroin itself.  Maybe that’s the point.  You never truly know with people and even though they seem alright on the outside they may be a mess on the inside.  And going on a drug fueled journey with a character like this works very well.  I was always sympathetic towards her and wanted to see if she would get her shit together and quit.  It kept me invested all the way.

I mean when Helen started to pour the raw heroin out into a bottle cap for the first time or started to turn tricks and bang dudes to get drug money or the scenes where she’s completely stung out, when she takes Bobby back, when she gets busted…they all broke my goddamn fuckin’ heart man.  Yes, this film is all about Helen.  Nothing will work unless you care about her and want to see her get better.

The only character I didn’t care for was the young hot shot cop (Alan Vint (Badlands)).  He’s so stiff and monotone which makes him standout horribly.  Everyone is giving such great performances and then every once in a while this bland dude steps into the scene.  I wonder if that was on purpose for contrast.  In any case he’s just about the only thing I didn’t like about this movie.

Production-wise the whole thing is shot very well.  It’s done almost in a documentary style but it still feels cinematic.  I never forgot I was watching some movie but I believed everything I saw could and has happened.  Everything’s very clear and there isn’t a lot of bullshitting around.  The filmmakers know you want to see the seedy underbelly of New York City and they give it to you in full effect.  Also, if you don’t like shots of needles going into people’s arms then you might want to steer clear of this one.

Actually, that brings up a question I have in case any of you out there know.  Did they get folks to shoot heroin for real on camera?  I ask because it sure as hell looks like they did, at least in one scene.  That’s pretty hardcore fellas.  I know it may not sound like a big deal today with so many drug realty shows and movies made about drugs since this came out but still, seeing that shit is gruesome and awful.  ‘Cause you know the people you’re watching have real problems beyond the movie.  Their lives are run by sticking that needle in themselves and they’ll do anything to do it.

Anyway, one of the coolest aspects of this picture is that there’s no music.  It’s one of those things where I didn’t notice until I thought back on it.  It’s a cool choice because it emphasizes the idea that you’re seeing a slice of someone’s life.

The ending is something I wish I could talk about but, of course, I won’t spoil it for you.  I thought I knew where it was all heading having seen a bunch of drug films before but they got me this time.  It isn’t anything big, I don’t want to build your hopes up too much, but it’s smart and entirely fitting.  Good work.

So to wrap this sucker up, this is one of the best movies about drugs and addiction I’ve ever seen.  It’s honest and feels real.  The filmmakers give it to you straight about how it can go if you put your life into heroin.  Sure not every addict will have this particular experience but the never ending search for money and a high does ring true.  I loved the characters too.  Bobby and Helen are like Sid and Nancy where they feed off of each other but also destroy each other.  They’re in love (more Helen than Bobby) which is sweet but they’re enablers for one another so they really shouldn’t be together.

I highly recommend checking out this love story.  It’ll make you feel good…that you saw a very well made film anyway.

Uncle Sam Wants You...to Die

Happy 4th of July guys!